2013 all my children

 

Have you ever seen a happier group of people, knowing they’re on their way to jail? Well, yesterday at 6:00pm, Guilford County North Carolina Sheriff’s Deputies loaded over two dozen smiling WPA recruits into two sheriff’s office vans and whisked them away for a tour of one of the local county jails.

Then, with the jail tour group heading over to “the rock,” a parade of police cars from various departments began arriving at the WPA hotel. Their mission—to pick up a second wave of recruits for the start of four-hour ride-alongs.

When the final patrol car left the parking lot, keynote speaker Lisa Gardner took a seat behind the wheel of an unmarked Dodge Charger, a fancy police car specially designed and equipped for covert assignments.

Yes, I’d handed Lisa over to a multi-jurisdictional task force where she was to spend the next four hours with the “the boys in black.” Their mission was, of course, secret.

So, with the jail tour and ride-along participants off and away, it was time for my annual stress session to begin. I always know our WPA recruits are in good hands, but I still worry like a parent worries about their kids. Did they take a jacket in case it gets chilly? Did they take enough money in case the officers stop for refreshments, or a meal. Did they each wear their best underwear in case they’re in an accident. You parents all know the drill, right? It’s what we do.

But the worry would have to wait. We had other fish to fry. It was time to give the remaining recruits a taste of high-risk nighttime traffic stops. You know, where the suspects in the target vehicle are more than likely armed and you’ve stopped them someplace where backup is scarce and there’s nothing between you and the bad guys but space, blue lights, and a whole lot of hoping all goes well.

How the heck do cops handle those dangerous and scary situations? Well, WPA recruits were definitely in and up front on the action last night.

When the session was over there were many  shocked and amazed people, and their comments reflected their sudden “enlightenment.” Comments such as, “I had no idea what police officers go through out there. What a dangerous job. Holy cow! I have a new-found respect for police officers. Now I understand why it sometimes takes five or six police officers to arrest one guy. All those police cars for one small SUV? Now I know why. Heck, after seeing this tonight, I’d think it would be safer to bring in more officers and patrol cars.”

I was on my way back inside the hotel when I took a glance at the time. Not good. Lisa Gardner was missing-in-action—MIA.

Our star speaker’s ride-along was scheduled to end at 10pm. At 10:00, though, Lisa Gardner was nowhere to be seen. Then came 10:15. Still no Lisa. That’s when the knot of worms in my gut woke up and began to squiggle and wiggle. Images passed through my mind of Lisa caught in a crossfire with dangerous gang members. What would I tell her husband and other family members? Suppose she’d injured her best and favorite typing fingers? How would I face her fans, knowing that it was I alone who’d placed their favorite author in harm’s way?

Then the worst thought of all struck. How in the world would I fill her empty slot at the Saturday night banquet? It was certainly too late to find another keynote speaker. I began to pace the hotel lobby, first to the bar, then to the front desk. Back to the bar and back to the front desk. Okay, so I worry about everyone. I admit it.

Suddenly my phone alerted me to an incoming text message. It was 10:30. Please let it be Lisa, and please let her be okay.

I opened the message….

“Lee, it’s Lisa. Making an arrest. Be back later. Best ride-along ever!”

WHEW!

*Thursday evening and night was exciting and a lot of fun for everyone. What the WPA recruits don’t know is that the real action and excitement starts tomorrow. Last night was a mere sip from an ocean. As the songs says…”You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet!”

 

Policing the WPA

 

We’re hours away from the start of the 2013 Writers’ Police Academy. It’s such an exciting and action-packed event that some people like Chris P. (above left) stand in line for up to a year, skipping sleep and meals, hoping to grab one of the coveted slots. Probably a wise move since we sold out in just under six days this year. Special events, such as FATS, were scooped up the first day.

Speaking of the firearms simulation training…it’s a very serious activity, where WPA recruits are faced with real-time shoot/don’t shoot scenarios. It’s intensive, heart-pounding, and to some, quite emotional. Yes, some experience hand tremors, stress-induced perspiration, and a few have even shed tears. And then there are those who never, ever crack under the pressure.

The staff of the WPA have the unique opportunity to observe personal things about our recruits, such as a look at how well they function behind the wheel of emergency vehicles.

Some do really well under pressure, expertly steering around obstacles, such as cars, trucks, and pedestrians. Others (I wont mention any names…Lee Child) should not be permitted to operate any contraption bearing wheels and an engine. Actually, I think I heard a collective sigh of relief from the citizens of North Carolina when Lee handed over control of his vehicle to Marcia Clark, deciding that being a passenger was in the best interest of mankind. Lee Child is a true hero.

WPA workshops are taught by some of the top experts in the country, which sometimes translates into hard-to-come-by seating.

Some WPA recruits grow weary of the race to grab the best seats, therefore, they often resort to extreme means to secure premium spots in the various classrooms.

But, the weapon-wielding seat hunters are sometimes met with violent resistance.

Fortunately, we have a well-trained emergency medical staff on hand at all times.

If things to rise to the point of “out-of-control” we simply bring everyone together and have a sheriff’s captain give them a stern talking-to.

Then we make them promise, under oath, to behave.

The powerful oath always works, returning everyone to their normal “lovey-dovey” state.

Still, some renegade recruits require a one-on-one discussion to prevent them from going rogue.

When all else fails, we turn the matter over to our “enforcers,” who know how to deal with special situations.

In the end, and everyone who’s attended will agree, the WPA is hands-down/hands-on one of the best doggone events anywhere in the country.

For me, it’s the smiles on the faces of our recruits that tells the WPA story, and that’s what makes the effort worthwhile.

 

2013 WPA opens tomorrow

 

I suppose today’s the day when I should start blogging about the 2013 Writers’ Police Academy. Therefore, since I’ve got nothing else up my sleeve…here you go.

We leave for North Carolina this afternoon and I’m nearly done packing for the trip. My load is light this year—a few books, some clothes, toiletries, the Golden Donut Trophy, and more medication this year than last. The latter is a depressing reality that emphasizes the fact that I’m getting older.

Another reality I face at the Writers’ Police Academy is the officers there who all look so young. In fact, some of them weren’t yet born when I first pinned a badge to my uniform shirt.

When I started out in the police business I carried a six-shooter. Now, the youngsters carry guns that hold nearly as many rounds as the number of pills I take in a 24-hour period.

Speaking of pill-taking…one of those dang things affects my liver, so I take two to counteract the potential damages inflicted by the first. Then there’s the triangular one, the one shaped like a football, and a big ugly brown one and squirts of liquid-fire drops to hopefully help repair the damage caused to my eyes during a recent surgery. Not much luck there, so far. Then there’s stuff I mix with juice, and the weekly injection that I’m still too chicken to do myself (I could never be a heroin user).

In a few hours, with my gut full of pills and my eyes swimming in what feels like molten lava, we’ll drive away from our house, heading to North Caro… Oh yeah, I already told you that. By the way, youngsters, the memory automatically begins to come and go the day immediately following delivery of your first letter of invitation to join AARP.

So we’ll be arriving at the event hotel late tonight. I plan to have a quick snack, go over my “To-Do” list to be everything is To-Done and then call it a night. I’ll need a few solid hours of sleep since Thursday is when the WPA wheels really begin to turn.

To those of you who weren’t able to attend this year (we sold out in just under six days after opening registration), I want to assure you that you won’t be missing much, and that the 200 + WPA recruits and over 100 experts and presenters will absolutely NOT be having fun. This event is off-the-charts boring. Why, there’s hardly anything to do. Don’t believe me? Well, here…see for yourself. This is just a small portion of the boring crap you’ll be missing. I’m already yawning…

 

And, of course, there’s…

Lisa Gardner

and…

New Picture (1)

So I don’t blame you for not coming this year. It’s really going to be a real snooze-fest… NOT!

Beware of ransomware

Mr. Guise Saleazy kissed his wife goodnight and turned off the bedside lamp. He knew that within minutes she’d be snoring like a lumberjack overdosing on Valium. “Runs in the family,” she’d once told him, which was the reason his overbearing and grotesquely overweight in-laws slept in separate rooms on opposite ends of a long upstairs hallway.

It was just past midnight and the house was quiet, with the exception of the refrigerator hum that caused something in the pots and pans drawer to quiver and vibrate. Sounded like a handful of bees buzzing around among the Paula Deen cookware the little woman ordered through her banking rewards program. She’d had just enough points for the ten-piece stainless steel set with glass tops, and a pair of blush-pink slippers that she pops into the microwave to heat up on cold nights. Nothing like the odor of her hot and stinky porcine feet to ruin perfectly good episodes of “Honey Boo-Boo” and “Gator Boys.” Not to mention what the funky smell does to his appetite. Why, the stench practically destroys his taste for a nightly bowl of Orville’s best caramel corn.

He let her snores reach a level equal to that of a finely-tuned leaf blower, and then switched on his laptop. While waiting for the machine to boot up, he grabbed a bottle of ice cold root beer from the fridge and stripped down to his John Deere boxers and favorite pair of black Gold Toe socks. He was once again ready to take a romp through Pornland.

His fingers flew over the keys, typing in the address to his favorite site (he never bookmarked his secret places). He used the mouse to scroll through the pages, and…wait, what was that image? That wasn’t his favorite brunette. Instead, it was a picture of the Grim Reaper. And that message. Were they serious? They said they’d taken the computer hostage and they (hackers, he surmised) want $5,000 within 72 hours to release the data files or they’d wipe them clean. But all the business records are on that laptop. And the novel he’d been writing. It must be true because the computer was locked. Nothing worked.

Could this really be happening? Was it possible to virtually kidnap a computer and then demand a ransom for its safe return?

Well, the answer is, unfortunately, yes. Cyber criminals have developed viruses that lock a computer’s desktop while simultaneously using the device’s built-in camera to capture an image of the user. In Mr. Saleazy’s case, the incriminating image was of him just after he’d slipped off the boxers (he never removed his socks), and that was the photo displayed in all its glory on the frustratingly-locked desktop. They said if he doesn’t pay the ransom, in addition to holding the files, they’d send his “socks” photo to everyone in his contacts list.

What would his wife say if she saw the picture? Suppose his boss received a copy? Or his mother-in-law? A sheen of perspiration wet his forehead. His licked at his suddenly-dry lips. He tried to shut down the computer. Nothing. Clicking, poking, and stabbing at various keys and buttons. He couldn’t power it down no matter what he tried.

He was ruined. His darling little cupcake would want a divorce, and he’d most certainly lose his job as director of the youth choir at the Church of All That’s Holy.

Maybe the police could help. Sure, that’s what he’d do…call the police. Before dialing he peeked in to check on his princess. Good, she was still asleep. He thought she looked sweet, all curled up like a chubby little pig in a blanket—huffing, snorting, and wheezing like a freight train heading upward toward the peaks of the high Sierras.

He swallowed hard and punched 911 on his cell.

Australian Federal Police report a rise in “ransomware” attacks in the past couple of years. Not only are the cyber-crooks targeting porn lovers such as Mr. Saleazy, they’ve also hit several businesses, including a medical facility (hackers demanded $4,000 to have their files returned in operating order), a transportation company, personal computer owners for up to a couple hundred dollars each, and even a school ($5,000 ransom).

A report released by Symantec states that ransomware cyber gangs are extorting well over $5 million a year.

The best means to protect you and your computer from ransomware is to:

– purchase and utilize a reputable anti-virus program

– use good, strong passwords and change them often

– don’t advertise your personal information on the internet, especially on websites and social networks

– don’t share financial data with anyone over the internet unless it’s to a site you know well and trust

– avoid clicking on links in emails, especially when you don’t recognize the sender

– don’t open email attachments unless you know and trust the sender

– update your virus software regularly

And for goodness sake, wear more than just a pair of socks when reading this blog!

 

On the road, Phoenix to Las Vegas

 

*     *     *

Today’s journey brought to you by…

Paul Beecroft, has spent a good deal of his life in law enforcement, in England. He’s worked Foot Patrol, Area Car, Instant Response Car and also as a Police Motorcyclist. Paul currently works as a coroner’s investigator and has traveled all over England, Wales, Scotland and even Germany to investigate crimes.

 

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Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

You gave your all to protect and serve us, and for that we are eternally grateful.

Officer Jason Schneider, 36

Baltimore County Maryland Police Department

August 28, 2013 – Officer Jason Schneider was shot and killed while serving a search warrant. As the team entered the house to search for a teen wanted in connection with an earlier shooting, the four occupants inside attempted to flee. Officer Schneider pursued one of the subjects to the rear of the home when another of the subjects opened fire striking Officer Schneider several times. Before he passed away, Officer Schneider was able to return fire, killing the shooter.

Officer Schneider is survived by his wife and children.

Trooper William P. Keene, 56

New York State Police

August 23, 2013 – Trooper William Keane suffered a fatal heart attack while participating in a timed commercial vehicle inspection event at the North American Inspectors Championship in Utah. He is survived by his wife, seven children, and six grandchildren.

 

Bloody night in Georgia

What comes to mind when you think of Savannah, Georgia? Perhaps images of Spanish moss lifting in the trees as breezes push in from the rivers and surrounding marshes? Maybe glimpses of dolphins as they break the surface of the water, showing off for children leaning against the railings of tour boats. Many visitors to the city enjoy seeing the filming locations for the Forrest Gump movie, and watching shrimp boats trolling slowly across the horizon.

Maybe your imagination takes you to where Sherman’s soldiers came ashore at Coffee Bluff, near the site where former slaves later purchased 200 acres of land and started their own community. A city-owned marina now stands overlooking the waters at the Bluff.

Savannah area wildlife, a bit different than what many of you are accustomed to, is a site to behold.

Sure, there’s plenty to do when visiting Savannah. Tourists often meander through historic cemeteries, pausing to reflect at grave sites of confederate soldiers.

Or the burial site of Little Gracie Watson.

The final resting place of Mr. Moon River himself, Johnny Mercer, is also a favorite.

There’s the cathedral.

And Fort Pulaski where southern soldiers fought a hard battle, but were eventually defeated and those remaining alive were captured and imprisoned

Yes, Savannah, Georgia is rich in history, with a story to tell like no other.

Today’s tales, though, are about a present day battle taking place in Savannah. A struggle that, like the conflicts of the 1800’s, involve gunfire and bloodshed. Here’s the tourists don’t see while they’re strolling along River Street while stuffing their pudgy faces with sweet praline candy and sweet iced tea.

– 20-year-old Gregory Eugene Griffin murdered 19-year-old Rasheem Alexander at a downtown intersection.

– Bank and convenience store robberies are practically weekly news. Convenience store robberies have occurred so often that police are frequently stationed inside walk-in beverage coolers throughout the city (the ones where customers open a door to reach in for the products they wish to purchase—beer, wine, soft drinks, milk, etc.

– Crazy Clown drug sends over a dozen teens to hospital ER’s.

– Antwan Hayward is accused in the recent shooting of 23-year-old Jamon Cody at the intersection of West 34th Street and Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. That’s just a few blocks from where tourists catch the site-seeing trolleys.

– 13 prostitutes were arrested just this week while operating out of local hotels in an area called Gateway Savannah. Perhaps you’ve been there since Gateway is located at the junction of I95 and Hwy 204. It’s a spot where tourists stop for dinner at the many restaurants located there. Many tourists also decide to stay in the big-chain motels in this heavily visited area that’s often (unknown to tourists) in the news for prostitution, shootings, drug busts, and for some reason, several wanted suspects from other states have been captured while hiding out in the motels. Usually, it’s the U.S. Marshals leading the manhunt, but they’re assisted by by local special ops police units.

– Ironically, city officials were meeting with members of the public a couple of days ago to discuss ways to combat Savannah’s growing murder rate and rise of other violent crimes, when shots rang out across the street. A man in his early 30’s was transported to a local hospital with life-threatening injuries as a result of gunshot wounds. Again, the shooting happened directly across the street from a city-held meeting to calm the public’s unsteady nerves about the frequency and intensity of violent crime.

– Three days ago, the occupants of two cars began shooting at one another while traveling along a busy city street where many doctors’ offices are located. It was a scene reminiscent of Bonnie and Clyde days. The area is a fairly well-to-do location, where in addition to the many prominent physicians’ offices, other big businesses have office space there as well, such as a main headquarters of Bank of America. Not what you’d consider a dangerous area…until this week.

And, of course, I there’s the murder trial that’s taking place just down the road in Brunswick. I’m sure you’ve heard about this case, the one where two African American juveniles approached a white woman who was pushing a baby stroller on her way to the post office. The woman thought it was nice day out and wanted to take her baby so they both could enjoy the the time outdoors.

When the two youths approached, the older one, 17-year-old De’Marquise Elkins, demanded the woman’s purse. When she refused, the boy hit her and then shot the baby in the face from point blank range. Then he shot the mother in the leg. The two juvenile thugs then ran away. Later, the shooter’s mother and sister were charged for helping destroy/dispose of the weapon and lying to police.

Ten days earlier, Elkins shot Wilfredo Calix Flores in the arm. Flores is a pastor of a Hispanic church in Brunswick.

Witnesses have positively identified Elkins as the shooter in both cases. Even the boy who was with Elkins when he murdered the 13-month-old toddler identified him as the shooter. However, defense attorneys have accused the mother of murdering her own child to collect a $5,000 in life insurance money. Then, they say, she pointed the finger at Elkins, fabricating the attempted robbery/shooting story. They’ve also said the mother’s PTSD that stemmed from the incident has clouded her memory, causing her to confuse the events that occurred the day her innocent child/baby was gunned down in the street.

I guess the pistol that was positively identified as the murder weapon, the very gun Elkins’ mother hid/tossed in a lake to protect her son, was merely a remarkable coincidence that it had been in Elkins’ possession during two separate shootings.

Katrina Elkins, the shooter’s aunt, lied to police investigators, saying that her nephew was with her and her family at the time of the shooting. Therefore he could not have committed the murder.

A witness at the time of Elkins’ arrest testified to the the spontaneous comments made by the accused shooter. As he was walking out of his house in handcuffs, Elkins said to the police, ‘Y’all ain’t got **** on me. Y’all ain’t got no gun. Y’all ain’t got no fingerprints. All y’all got is a ******* acquittal.”  When Elkins saw another detective smile he said, “Oh, got the gun?”

Interestingly, a city commissioner was also arrested after he approached the shooter and his family, telling them not to/they didn’t have to talk to the police regarding the murder case. The 59-year-old politician, a representative of the area where the accused baby-killer and his family reside, was charged with influencing a witness and obstructing law enforcement.

Sherry West is now in court facing her baby’s killer. I imagine jurors will have a difficult time remaining impartial after hearing West describe pleading with Elkins, begging him to not shoot her baby.

The grieving mother told the court, “I tried to stop him. I put my arms over my baby but he still shot him,” cried West.

Many area residents say they’re still waiting for Al Sharpton to lead a vigil for justice for the murdered baby, another victim of senseless violence. So far, though, he’s a no show. I’m sure most of the comments are sarcastic since the murdered baby was the child of a Hispanic father and white mother, and the good reverend usually devotes his time to the African American community and fighting for their civil rights. But I think, since there doesn’t seem to be an end to the bloodshed, anything’s worth a try.

So, Reverend Al, if you have the answer or the means to stop the young people of our country from dying, then I’m begging you to head our way and make it happen. People of all races need help from somebody. Anybody…

Update – It took a jury only two hours to find Elkins guilty of all charges. His mother was also found guilty of tampering with evidence.

An App for this

A patrol officer keys his mic. “10-28 Boy Sam Ida 555.”

A dispatcher responds in the typical monotone, “No insurance status. Plate valid.”

“10-4.”

Another voice follows. “65 to Mockingbird Heights. 10-38. South Main at Second. Victor Adam Mary 123. Red Toyota. 10-28.”

“10-4.”

“47, 10-8”

“10-4”

“City unit 015. 10-25 male subject at 666 Manson Circle in reference to a theft of an apple pie. 10-18. Suspect is still in sight.”

“10-4”

“015, 10-23.”

And so it goes, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Did you find the communication between dispatch and patrol units 015 and 47 a bit difficult to follow? Would it help to know that a 10-28 was this particular department’s code for a request for dispatch to check the status of a vehicle license plate/registration? 10-38 = stopping a suspicious vehicle. And 10-25 was code for “meet someone in person” at a given location?

Could having this real-time knowledge help bad guys evade capture? Could it also help them commit crimes in certain areas if they knew that patrol units were in other areas? Sure it could.

And that’s the big thing these days. Criminals simply download police scanner apps to their smartphones, and with a quick touch to the screen they’re able to listen in on the activities and locations of their local men and women in blue. The same is true for PC’s, laptops, and Mac’s.

In fact, while writing this piece I located a scanner site for a nearby police department, clicked the link, and within mere seconds I knew the location of five patrol units and exactly what they were doing at the moment, in real time—running license checks, stopping cars, responding to a silent alarm, and checking the serial number on an abandoned bicycle. I also learned that the alarm call was a false alert, and that a key-holder/business manager called in to report that she’d accidentally set off the device.

The department I’m currently monitoring for the purpose of this article was also kind enough to post a list of their 10-codes, which definitely makes it much easier for the listening public to decipher the cop lingo and jargon. Isn’t that helpful?

* Oh, oh…another burglar alarm. Front door of a business, and there’s inside motion. Officers are on the way. I’ll keep you posted.

Okay, the police know that everyone and his brother and two ugly cousins—

* Hold on. Shh… police officers are on the scene of the burglar alarm. An officer keyed his mic and I could clearly hear the alarm blasting away. Ah, just as I thought. The business owner accidentally set it off when she unlocked the front door.

By the way, this alarm business occurs almost daily, especially during the morning hours when people are still sleepy, dragging their tired bodies to work after a late night of Facebooking and Tweeting. They forget to punch in the alarm codes, and…a sudden and very loud awakening.

Back to the man and his hideous relatives. Lots of people have police scanners, or have chosen to download the apps, including dangerous gang members. So, to help police combat this problem, their looking at Apple’s latest gadget that’ll block all data transmissions within a targeted area.

At first glance, this sounded like a great idea. Then I read the fine print. When activating this data blocker, police are also able to shut down all cellphone use, including video and still photo capability. And you know what that means… Yep, no more YouTube videos of officers pepper spraying grandma and Fluffy’s six newborn kittens.

* The dispatcher just announced a single vehicle 10-50 where a truck left the roadway and ran into the woods. She’s unable to advise of injuries.

Apple’s original idea behind the technology was to put an end to cellphone use in movie theaters, concerts, and similar venues, and believe me, I’m all for shutting down cellphones in movie theaters. That. Is. Annoying.

* Suspicious male just ducked into an alley when he saw the patrol car. The officer is out on foot. He’s running. Dispatcher calls to ask if he’s 10-4. Now, that’s a nice gesture, but he really doesn’t need to have the radio distracting him, nor does he need the dispatcher’s voice alerting the suspect to his location.

I can certainly see where the data-blocking technology could be extremely helpful to police, especially during covert operations. Shutting down cellphone use in those areas would be a huge bonus, and an added layer of safety for the officers.

* Officers are 10-8. The “man running” turned out to be a teenager who thought it would be funny to run and to see if the cops could catch him. They did.

* Another officer is out of his car with a suspicious subject. Dispatch is checking to see if he’s wanted. Dispatch called back. 10-99 is negative. (Did you notice how fast that information came back? Before I could finish typing that she was checking, she’d already run the 10-99 and reported the negative status to the officer.

Back to the…

*Another alarm, an illegally-parked car, and a traffic stop.

* Someone’s at the police department to measure uniforms for an officer. Probably a new hire.

* A tenant is getting aggressive with apartment management. Officers on the way.

So…the technology has some wonderful advantages, like protection against the transmission of sensitive data from supposedly secure government facilities, and to help safeguard officers during dangerous operations.

However, I also see some disadvantages, such as the possibility of misuse. “Hey, this guy looks like he’s going to be trouble, so let’s shut off everyone’s cellphones in case we need to give him an attitude adjustment.”

What are your thoughts? Should the police have the un-checked power to shut down data transmissions, or should a judge have the ultimate say-so, signing off on the actions using the same procedures and guidelines followed when approving search warrants?

10-4? Or 10-74?

* By the way, the department we followed throughout this article actually has a 10-code for UFO’s…10-125. I’d love to see the look on the dispatcher’s face when an officer called that one in.

Miley: In the thick of it

I’ve seen more than my fair share of horror. I’ve been to crime scenes and car crashes. I’ve seen spilled blood and viscera. But never have I witnessed anything as ghastly, unpleasant, or as sickening as the train wreck that Miley Cyrus dished out on the VMA awards show.

You may wonder why I, the cops and robbers guy, am addressing an MTV performance by Cyrus, but the answer is simple…I was assaulted, and assault is a still a crime, right? Yes, Miley Cyrus’s over-emphasized gyrations and tongue waggings and wigglings are something I can never un-see. I’ve been harmed by another person and I may never recover.

The overdose of Cyrus’s near skin and bones and somewhat freakish and boyish look, and her appalling gestures were so bad that my brain is threatening to pack its bags and leave home, and it assures me that it’s taking my eyes with it. They’ve each indicated the desire for a transfer to a safer location.

I try to remain current with today’s trends. Well, I at least like to know what’s going on in the world around me, even if I don’t like what I see and hear. But there isn’t enough water in the entire Atlantic Ocean to wash and scrub away the sense of “ick” I felt after seeing this garbage. In fact, I didn’t watch the entire performance. I couldn’t. I opted out just after Cyrus’s X-rated solo session with a foam finger.

More important than the irreparable damage to my psyche, is to warn readers of The Graveyard Shift of things that could be harmful to them and to their children. Well, believe me when I say that there should be a huge warning label tattooed on Miley Cyrus’s forehead that reads…“Warning, the surgeon general of the U.S. has deemed Miley Cyrus to be extremely harmful to all teens of that impressionable age.” And, Ms. Cyrus’s CD’s, posters, and videos should be kept out of the reach of young minds.

Of course, I’m still up in the air about which was the worst, the foam finger solo session, or when Cyrus, practically in nothing but her unmentionables, went through the motions of several sexual acts with singer Robin Thicke.

Thicke bothered me too. He showed up to the Cyrus hoochie-mama show dressed in his best Beetlejuice-go-to-preachin’ outfit, joining little Miley onstage where he participated in the assault on my poor brain. My eyes, bless their little hearts, didn’t have the smarts to turn away from the video.

Well on his way to 40-years-old, Thicke is married with children. I can’t imagine that his wife appreciated seeing her husband like this, with any female, much less a 20-year-old bizarre woman-child (I wonder if Cyrus is what Bradley “Chelsea” Manning sees in his mind as what he’ll look like after his transfer to the female gender).

How could Robin Thicke possibly explain his actions to his young children? “It’s okay, kids, Daddy was just playing horsy with Hannah Montana’s trashy big sister.”

Speaking of kids and their siblings, I’m pretty sure the ghosts of the entire cast and crew of the Captain Kangaroo show are more than likely already on their way to Cyrus’s house to begin some serious haunting. Dancing Bear is most likely the first in line to grab the chains and bedsheets, and has been practicing his best “BOO’s,” since it was his reputation that was most harmed.

Cast of the Captain Kangaroo Show. Dancing Bear is pictured on the far left. Then there’s Bunny Rabbit, the Captain, Mr. Moose, and Mr. Green Jeans.

In fact, there’s a rumor floating around that a few of Dancing Bear’s grandchildren were on stage with Cyrus as backup dancers, and he’s not happy about it. I don’t blame him.

There was so much packed into the Cyrus and Thicke mess, that it’s difficult to pinpoint the most troubling parts.  Now, you tell me, was this something young kids should be watching? Oh, and I haven’t talked about the lyrics and the references to doing drugs at parties.

MTV bleeped the reference to using ecstasy, but not the image of Hannah Montana with her face buried between the buttocks of a seven-foot-tall black woman, an act that many are calling extremely racist. Well, I’m not sure if there was racial intent, but I do know that it was scene that’s not meant for children, or for my poor pitiful eyes and brain.

I think I’ll watch a bit of the real Dancing Bear to help cleanse my mind of the filth. No “twerking,” no foam fingers, and no gold, rubber underwear. Ah, the good old days…