Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Officer Tim Bracken, 38

Shelby North Carolina Police Department

September 12, 2016 – Officer Tim Bracken was shot multiple times while searching for a suspect who was wanted for weapons and drug charges, kidnapping and armed robbery . Officer Bracken died as a result of his injuries. He is survived by his wife and daughter.

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Master Deputy Brandon Collins, 45

Johnson County Kansas Sheriff’s Office

September 11, 2017 – Master Deputy Brandon Collins was killed during a traffic stop when a truck struck his patrol car from behind, causing it to burst into flames. He is survived by his wife and two daughters.

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Trooper Kenneth Velez, 48

Ohio State Highway Patrol

September 15, 2017 – Trooper Kenneth Valez was killed when a vehicle struck him during a traffic stop. He is survived by his wife and three children.

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Officer Robert Aaron Barker, 26

McCrory Arkansas Police Department

September  15, 2016 – Officer Robert Aaron McCrory was killed in a vehicle crash while responding to assist sheriff’s deputies.

 

What does MOM have to do with catching bad guys? Well, we all know our own moms have super powers. They can see through walls, hear a gnat whisper from distances as far away as 100 yards, or more, and they have the unique ability to silence even the rowdiest kids using nothing more than a mere glance.

But do they, the women who helped us blow our noses and tie our shoes and made us eat all of the broccoli and green beans on our plates, really have what it takes to nab a serial killer? And why are detectives always searching for dear old mom? After all, what could that sweet lady have to do with murder?

Well, in the world of cops and robbers, MOM is not a person. Not at all. Instead, it’s an acronym that encompasses three vital aspects of crime-solving that, when combined, point to who committed a crime and why they did.

MOM = Motive, Opportunity, and Means. Normally, the suspect who possesses all three is the indeed the killer, or the perpetrator of other crimes. (Remember, writers, “perp” is NOT a term typically used by cops. It’s a TV thing).

I’ve always felt it best to approach a crime scene in a systematic method, in four very basic steps: the initial evaluation, develop and expand the case, narrow the leads (witnesses and evidence), and present the case to the prosecutor and court.

The first two steps in the investigation—initial evaluation and developing the case—are where MOM typically begins to take her shape.

In a detective’s initial approach, she/he should look at the scene as a whole, taking in everything she sees, not just a dead body, a broken window, or an open safe. Many clues are quite obvious but are often missed because the inexperienced investigator immediately begins collecting the trace, hoping/believing forensics will solve the case for them.

Trace and other forensic evidence such as DNA often serve as the “icing on the cake,” not earth-shattering pieces of evidence that cracks a case wide open like we so often see on crime TV shows. Instead, most crimes are still solved the old-fashioned way, by knocking on doors, talking to people, and listening. In fact, the best investigators are great listeners.

Okay, that’s an important point to remember, so grab a piece of paper and write that one down and then pass the note over to your protagonists—the best investigators are great listeners.

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When investigating a murder it’s just as important to rule out who could not have been involved—to thin the herd, so to speak. Therefore, I first looked to see who did NOT have:

Motive – The person who would benefit the most from the crime (life insurance beneficiary, jealous spouse, etc.)

Opportunity – Detectives are seeking the sole person who had no alibi for every single moment during the commission of the crime and its subsequent acts, including the planning stages of the crime. This stage of the investigation takes an enormous amount of time, lots of leg work, tons of phone calls, and many cups of coffee and hours of thinking. But the payoff is huge because the investigator is then able to narrow the list of suspects.

Means – The suspect must have had access to the murder weapon (includes a killer for hire) and all evidence in the crime. For example, if the murder weapon is the candlestick but it was proven that Professor Plum never touched it, well, one down and eleven to go. Send in Colonel Mustard, please.

Remember, complex criminal cases are most often solved by eliminating the people who could not have committed the crime, which eventually leads to the last man standing—the perpetrator.

Scott Peterson:

Motive – wanted to be with another woman.

Opportunity – was alone with his pregnant wife, Laci. No witnesses.

Means – Peterson was a fertilizer salesman who owned numerous tools, a firearm, and fishing gear. He had the knowledge and ability to use each of those items. Laci’s and her unborn child’s bodies were found washed ashore on the banks of the San Francisco Bay. Her head and parts of her arms and legs were missing. Some believe her husband strangled her and then took her body to the bay and dumped her overboard after tying homemade concrete anchors/blocks to her wrists and ankles.

I appeared on Nancy Grace’s radio show to discuss the use of the concrete weights. Nancy asked about a case I’d once investigated where a killer taped an unopened bag of concrete to the body of his victim and then tossed the deceased into the water. As time passed, the concrete mixture hardened and the bag deteriorated. The block of concrete then slipped from the bindings and portions of the body subsequently washed ashore, but not before marine life had consumed parts of it. Very similar to the Peterson case in many ways.

If Peterson did indeed use the concrete weights he’d made in his garage as a means to hold his dead wife’s body to bottom of the bay, then once the connective tissue decomposed the limbs would begin to separate, leaving the torso to wash away from the spot where it had come to rest.

So yes, Peterson had the means.

Sometimes, MOM can be pretty doggone difficult to locate, so to help me find her during those rough patches, I often used a simple but handy tool.

The concept was quite simple, actually, but it worked in many instances. The idea was to write the names of people involved in the case on a sheet of paper or index card, or the large whiteboard in my office—witnesses, victim, suspects, etc., along with the items of crucial evidence associated with the crime. Then I’d circle each name and item, drawing a line to connect those that were related to one another.

The spot where the lines intersected usually pointed me to the killer/suspect. For example (this is an overly simplified illustration):

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I’ve often used this simple little tool to help solve all sorts troubles, such as tying up loose ends in a book chapter or magazine or newspaper article. It’s quite handy at times.

Well, as I moved away from law enforcement and headed deeper into writing, I met Gabrielle Rico, PhD., author and professor of English and creative arts. I attended one of her fabulous lectures and was astounded to see an example she used regarding the process of creative writing. She called it “Clustering.” She also referenced a book she’d written called Writing the Natural Way.

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In Writing the Natural Way, Rico explains that her Clustering method is a means of releasing creative inhibition, ending writers block, and finding one’s voice, among other important writerly things.

Needless to say, I was astounded to learn that Dr. Rico’s Clustering was identical to the crime-solving tool that I’d used for many years—the very tool I’d relied upon so many times to help me identify the often elusive MOM.

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From chapter seven of Writing the Natural Way. Recurrence of Letter Sounds – Alliteration

So there you have it, a full circle, from MOM to MOM and every circle, line, and piece of evidence between, and using a simple crime-solving tool to enhance a writer’s creativity.

Oh, and please do remember, “the best investigators are great listeners.”

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Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Officer Clint Corvinas, 33

Alamogordo New Mexico Police Department

September 2, 2016 – Officer Clint Corvinas was shot and killed while in a foot pursuit of a wanted felon. During the exchange of gunfire and while severely wounded, Officer Corvinas was able return fire and killed the suspect.

Officer Corvinas is survived by his daughter and parents.

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Senior Officer Amir Abdul-Khaliq, 46

Austin Texas Police Department

September 4, 2016 – Senior Officer Amir Abdul-Khaliq succumbed to injuries received in a motorcycle crash four days earlier when a vehicle pulled in front of him as he led a funeral procession. He is survived by his five children.

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Lieutenant Waldemar Rivera-Santiago, 50

Puerto Rico Police Department

September 5, 2016 – Lieutenant Waldnar Rivera-Santiago was killed when a truck collided with his motorcycle. He is survived by his wife and six children.

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Deputy Sheriff Kenneth Hubert Maltby, 73

Eastland County Texas Sheriff’s Office

September 7, 2016 – Deputy Sheriff Kennth Hubert Maltby was killed in a vehicle crash when a driver heading in the opposite direction swerved to miss another car and then struck Deputy Malty’s patrol car head-on.

 

Men and women become police officers for a variety of reasons—to help their communities, the love of their country, to serve their fellow man and, well, sometimes there are other reasons, such as …

1. There’s a unique enjoyment associated with being cursed at, spit on, and punched, kicked, and pummeled by grown men and women, and by smart-alecky kids who believe their purpose in life is to “buck” the system.

2. The lifelong dream to drive around in a car that members of the general public have used as a receptacle for their body fluids…all of them.

3. Finally having the question answered about those cool TV gunshot ricochet noises. Are they realistic, or not? They’re not, by the way.

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4. Never having to be home on holidays. Or for birthday parties, baby’s first steps and words, and for their kid’s first solo bike ride.

5. The love of those quick “on the run” meals of greasy fast food between working an automobile crash and a gruesome homicide.

6. The warm and fuzzy feeling that comes with working long hours for low pay.

7. Bleeding is cool!

8. Who isn’t their happiest when worrying about things like living another day.

9. Polyester uniforms, heavy gun belts and vests, goofy hats, and clunky shoes are so comfortable … and stylish.

10. It’s always a pleasure knowing that the largest, meanest, nastiest, smelliest, strongest, sweatiest man in the bar is guy they’ll have to arrest, by themselves, while everyone else, per the mayor’s order, is busy providing security for a visiting politician or celebrity.

11. It’s fun having practically everyone in the entire world telling you how to do your job and that they play golf with your boss. Oh, and the pleasant workplace conversations and hearing these kind words, every single day of your life:

  • “I know my rights!”
  • “I’ll have your badge!”
  • “Take off that badge and I’ll kick your a**!”
  • “I’ll bet your not so d*** tough when you’re not wearing that uniform!”
  • “Arrest me? You and who else?”
  • “Shoot me, mother******!”
  • “I know where you live.”
  • “I thought you were my friend.”
  • “A monkey could do your job.”
  • “Why don’t you go somewhere and arrest a real criminal?”
  • “Stop harassing me! I’m just selling a little dope.”
  • “I pay your salary!”
  • “I know the law.”
  • “My uncle is a lawyer. Wait until I call him. You’ll be sorry.”
  • “You’d best go for your gun ’cause I ain’t going to jail.”
  • “I’m not going with you and don’t put your hands on me.”
  • “$&@# You!”

12. There’s nothing better than telling a mother that her child was just killed in an automobile crash.

13. Knife fights are fun!

14. Seeing mangled and mutilated human bodies has been at the top of their bucket list since childhood.

15. Pinning a badge to your chest is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

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When society signed on with the plan to have criminals placed behind bars as a means to protect the public from dangerous criminals, and to punish those who choose to break the law, well, there was a certain expectation that the men and women tasked with guarding those prisoners would be honest, forthright, and law-abiding. I mean, come on, we can’t have murderers and thieves watching other murderers and thieves, right?

Well, as odd as it may seem, that “no crooks watching the other crooks” disqualifier might not be the case in at least one U.S. jail, the Hampton Roads Regional Jail located in Portsmouth, Va. HRRJ serves the cities of Portsmouth, Hampton, Newport News, Chesapeake, and Norfolk.

Originally established to ease general overcrowding in local jails, HRRJ has since evolved into managing inmates with medical and mental health issues or disciplinary problems.

Before we look at the qualifications to work as a corrections officer at the Hampton Roads Regional Jail, though, let’s first take a quick look at former HRRJ prisoner Mark Goodrum.

Goodrum was (notice I mentioned him in the past tense) a 60-year-old man who was arrested for misdemeanor possession of marijuana.

On January 8, 2014, officers responding to a complaint of the odor of burning marijuana coming from Goodrum’s apartment, did indeed experience the same. They smelled marijuana smoke so they knocked on Goodson’s door. He answered, as we do when someone knocks, and the officers issued him a simple summons for the misdemeanor and were quickly on their way, leaving Goodrum to go about his daily routine.

Well, as bad luck would have it, Goodrum was evicted from his apartment and then didn’t show up for court on the scheduled day he was to appear for the marijuana possession case.

Soon after, Goodrum missed yet another court date.

Goodrum then suffered a stroke and missed another court date. The judge had enough of the missed court dates and issued a bench warrant for failure to appear. Goodrum was arrested and jailed at the Hampton Roads Regional Jail.

Remember, Goodrum’s initial offense was for simple possession of marijuana. He was issued a summons (basically the same as a traffic ticket). Keep in mind, though, that he was not jailed for marijuana possession. He was locked up because he didn’t appear in court to answer for the minor marijuana offense. Still, the entire mess started over Goodrum’s desire to smoke pot within the confines of his own home.

On October 14, 2015, Goodrum was booked into the Hampton Roads Regional Jail. He died on November 11, 2015, less than one month after the steel doors closed behind him.

According to Virginia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner (the place where Patricia Cornwell’s famous fictional character Kay Scarpetta worked), Goodrum died of “end stage renal disease with history of hemodialysis, hypertension, anemia of chronic disease, peripheral vascular disease, tobacco use, diabetes mellitus, and history of stroke contributing.”

What does Goodrum have to do with bad guys being supervised by other bad guys, you ask? Okay, remember Goodrum’s initial offense, the one that started the chain of events that ended with his death in jail? That’s right, he was ticketed for possession of marijuana, an act that is still very much illegal in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Simple possession of mairjuana in the “Virginia is For Lovers” state is a Class 1 Misdemeanor, an offense that’s punishable by up to 30 days in jail and/or a $500 fine.

Possessing marijuana is I.L.L.E.G.A.L in Virginia. It’s a crime that’s punishable by time behind bars, like the bars and steel doors and the razor wire at the HRRJ. And that, one would think, would be just cause for a person to not be allowed to wear a badge and supervise others who’re incarcerated for committing the same offense. Makes sense, right?

Well, if we dig a bit into the qualifications to work as a corrections officer at the Hampton Roads Regional Jail we see a couple of real head-scratchers appear.

Their list of disqualifiers for employment includes (notice the text highlighted in red):

AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFIERS

The following automatic disqualifiers will cause the processing of the application to be immediately discontinued:

Criminal Record:

  • –  Conviction of any felony.
  • –  Conviction of driving while intoxicated or under the influence of a controlled substance (within 3years).
  • –  Conviction of a misdemeanor involving morals, decency, or illegal drugs other than marijuana.
  • –  Conviction of any domestic assault (Title 18 Federal Code). Driving Record:
  • –  Current driver’s license suspension.
  • –  Driver’s license suspension for moving violation within last 6 months. Drug Usage:
  • –  Any use of heroin, cocaine, PCP, methamphetamine, hallucinogen, or other Schedule 1 or 2Controlled Substance within past 3 years.
  • –  Any use of illegal substances by injection at any time.
  • –  Any use of marijuana or hashish within the past 12 months prior to submitting your application or any time thereafter.

So it appears that corrections officers working in the HRRJ could have broken the law (smoked and/or possessed marijuana and have been convicted of doing so) and still work as an officer who supervises prisoners who’re incarcerated for smoking and/or possessing marijuana.

The list of disqualifiers is a bit contradictory, too. Because while stating that people who apply for jobs may not have on their record a conviction of a misdemeanor involving morals, decency, or illegal drugs other than marijuana, the list goes on to state a disqualifier of any use of heroin, cocaine, PCP, methamphetamine, hallucinogen, or other Schedule 1 or 2 Controlled Substance within past 3 years.

What’s the one big argument we hear from marijuana advocates? That’s right, it’s listed as a Schedule I drug alongside heroin and other dangerous drugs that have no medicinal value.

This listing of things you can and can’t do when expecting to be hired as a jail employee tells us a couple of things. One—marijuana is not dangerous. Well, it’s certainly not dangerous in the sense that heroin’s dangerous. Next, It’s okay for jail employees to have a history of pot smoking, but the same is not okay for people who don’t wear a badge? After all, 2nd and 3rd offenses may increase sentencing lengths for those convicted of marijuana crimes.

How is it possible that uniformed, badge-wearing pot smokers are standing on the outside of the bars looking in at other pot smokers who’re wearing black and white stripes while waiting for their day in court to answer charges for smoking pot? Maybe it’s time for lawmakers to seriously rethink marijuana laws? At the very least, everyone should be held to the same standard. Shouldn’t second chances (for nonviolent crimes like marijuana possession) be offered to everyone, not just the people who work in this particular jail while guarding the folks who may not have received a second chance at their dream job?

And, why is it so that a regional jail is housing mental health patients behind bars? But that’s a topic for another day.

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Yes, I know, I’m probably the last person you’d expect to hear this from, but this sort of thing gets my goat, and I don’t like it when my goat is missing …

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Rookies: Inexperienced beginners who think they know everything but have a lot to learn about, well, everything.

Rookie-itis: A disease often contracted by newly-hired police officers. The contagious illness causes serious and extremely irritating bouts of “knowitallness.”

How does one spot a police rookie. It’s really quite easy if you know the signs and symptoms. Suppose, though, that it is you who’s chosen police work as your dream job. What sort of things should you look for if you suspect that you’ve contracted the dreaded “Rookie-itis?” Well …

You know you’re a rookie if …

  • You tell everyone on the planet, even the homeless guy who stands in the street yelling at passing cars, that you’ve been hired to serve as the next great police officer.
  • Your new boss calls to tell you that you’ve been designated to work an undercover assignment (since no one on the planet knows you’re a cop) before hitting the streets in uniform. Oops …
  • You begin giving “the nod” to every veteran cop you encounter. You know none of these people and they don’t know you, and they all think you’re as crazy as a loon. But you think the odd looks they’re giving you are ones of fear, knowing that within a matter of weeks you’ll be their supervisor.
  • You’re issued brand new uniforms and immediately have them tailored to make your waistline appear slimmer and your biceps larger.
  • You put on the full uniform and stand in front of the mirror, admiring the greatest crime-fighter since Mighty Mouse.

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  •  Polishing your shoes quickly consumes what used to be time spent doing yard work.
  • When you do find time for a little yard work you do it while wearing your newly-issued department sidearm strapped to your waist. After all, it matches the metal lamppost in the front yard. And, well, you never know when a bank-robbing-serial-killing shoplifter might pass by. Hmm … might need the ankle holster, too, and an extra set of cuffs. The thought of adding a blue light to the hood of the mower passes through your head, but you quickly brush it aside, knowing that stealth mode and an unmarked John Deere lawn tractor is best when working in plainclothes.
  • You finish the yard work, shower, and then put on the full uniform and stand in front of the mirror. Looking fine! Mighty doggone fine.
  • It’s the weekend and, instead of going to the club you’ve enjoyed since the day you were old enough to drink, legally, you head over to the home of another rookie. You and your buddy settle in for a night of beer drinking and binge-watching Miami Vice episodes. You compare biceps and triceps and decide that a few pushups during commercial breaks would be appropriate and necessary. The future of the world is at stake, you know.
  • You call a cab to drive you home where you put on the uniform and stand in front of the mirror. The second you see your awesome reflection you snap to attention, salute, and sing the COPS theme song, loudly, before passing out on the floor.
  • It’s 11 a.m. when you finally wake up, realizing you’ve slept in your uniform. So you stand in front of the mirror, imagining that’s how you’d look after working 48 straight hours to solve the worst murder case in U.S. history. Looking fine, as always.
  • 6 p.m. – Time to polish the badge and shine the shoes. This is the 487th time you’ve polished the two since … yesterday at this time.
  • You realize you haven’t called Aunt Daisy to tell her you’ve been hired as a police officer. You call but Uncle Billy answers and tells you Aunt Daisy died four years ago. Yes, Uncle Billy heard the news about you from your mom, who called everyone in the family the day she first saw you standing in front of the mirror in full uniform.
  • It’s your first day on patrol. The city is extremely fortunate that you’re now on the streets.
  • You know deep down in your heart that the opposite sex is in for a real treat the moment they see your superfine self in uniform. You start thinking of ways to let them down without breaking their hearts. No worries, though, because there’s enough “SuperCop” for everyone to enjoy a sample.
  • You’re a bit nervous (on the inside) and the feeling sends your stomach into a bit of turmoil. Wow, that’s a lot of gear to remove just to use the restroom, and it takes a lot of time to take it off and put it back on. When you finally return to the briefing room you discover that everyone is gone. So you stand in front of the mirror imaging how supurb you’d look sitting inside a patrol car.

They’ll be back … the world needs you.

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Garrett Pope, Jr. was a typical kid who loved doing typical kid things—riding his bike and going fishing. He also enjoyed playing games, such as football and lacrosse.

Garrett, an eleven-year-old, was found dead in his room around 4 p.m. last Wednesday. He died due to accidental asphyxiation while playing another game that far too many young people play, the choking game.

A CDC report titled Unintentional Strangulation Deaths from the “Choking Game” Among Youths Aged 6–19 Years — United States, 1995–2007, stated:

“The ‘choking game’ is defined as self-strangulation or strangulation by another person with the hands or a noose to achieve a brief euphoric state caused by cerebral hypoxia. Participants in this activity typically are youths. Serious neurologic injury or death can result if strangulation is prolonged. In recent years, news media reports have described numerous deaths among youths attributed to the choking game. Because no traditional public health dataset collects mortality data on this practice, CDC used news media reports to estimate the incidence of deaths from the choking game. This report describes the results of that analysis, which identified 82 probable choking-game deaths among youths aged 6-19 years, during 1995-2007. Seventy-one (86.6%) of the decedents were male, and the mean age was 13.3 years. Parents, educators, and health-care providers should become familiar with warning signs that youths are playing the choking game .”

As a police detective, I had the unpleasant task of investigating the untimely deaths of many people, children included. One such case involved a young boy who’d slipped out of his home to visit an abandoned factory, the location he’d chosen to play “the game.”

Here, in a mere forty-five words, is what I discovered when I arrived at the scene.

New Picture

Factory.
Massive, abandoned.
Machinery, steel dinosaurs.
Tangled debris.

Rust.

New Picture (1)

Rats.
Shadows, graffiti.
Glass, jagged shards.
Footsteps echo.

Cold.

New Picture (2)

Hallway.
Leather, squeaking.
Keys rattle, jingle.
Nervous, anxious.

Fear.

New Picture (4)

There.
Hanging, swinging.
Rope, rafter, neck.
Boy, dead.

Twelve.

New Picture (7)

Shoes.
One on.
Other on floor.

The choking game.

~

* Please, talk to your children. Explain the dangers of this “game,” and be alert to warning signs that your kids may be experimenting or “playing.”

The CDC’s study indicated that “few of the parents of children who died had been familiar with the choking game. Parents, educators, and health-care providers should learn about the choking game and be able to recognize any of the following warning signs in youths: mention of the choking game (or the game by its other names); bloodshot eyes; marks on the neck; frequent, severe headaches; disorientation after spending time alone; and ropes, scarves, and belts tied to bedroom furniture or doorknobs or found knotted on the floor. Medical examiners and coroners should be aware of the choking game as a possible explanation for deaths from self-inflicted strangulation in this age group that otherwise might be miscategorized as suicides. In addition, better mortality surveillance is needed, and more research should be conducted (e.g., questions on youth-behavior surveys regarding awareness of and involvement in the choking game) to determine prevalence, risk factors, and protective factors that will lead to effective interventions aimed at reducing or eliminating choking-game participation and deaths.”

* Factory photos by Sunday K. Kaminski

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Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Officer Leander Frank

Navajo Division of Public Safety, Tribal Police

August 30, 2016 – Officer Leander Frank was killed in a head-on crash while responding to a call.

Navajo Nation President Russell Begaye has ordered all flags in Chinle to be flown at half-staff from sunrise to sunset Saturday in memory of Officer Frank.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey ordered all flags to fly at half staff on Wednesday and again on Saturday, the day of Officer Frank’s interment.

“Officer Frank bravely risked his life every day to protect our citizens and our way of life. His abrupt passing is a sobering reminder to all of us about the fragility of life, and the daily dangers of his job.” ~ Governor Doug Ducey

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There are many jobs within police departments and sheriff’s offices, and each of those duties require special skills and training. Some of the assignments even require a special “look.”

In addition, many of the officers assigned to these special details have their own expectations of how they should carry themselves, and which type of appearance is appropriate for the mission.

Over the years, police officers have developed a set of unwritten guidelines for working in the individual divisions, and with one glance cops can usually tell another officer’s assignment. How? Well, certain little details give them away. Such as…

Narcotics

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Yes, that’s me back in the undercover days.

  • Officers assigned to this detail immediately grow long hair and a beard, then tell everybody the boss ordered it.
  • Start watching every episode of Gator Boys and Honey Boo Boo to learn how to speak and act in the “real world”.
  • Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
  • Make every case involve overtime.
  • Learn to play golf while guzzling Jack Daniels.

SWAT

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  • Wears team T-shirts, dark sunglasses, and boots, everyday.
  • Tries to fit the word breach into every conversation.
  • Has a mirror handy to check hair, if they have hair.
  • Never says hello to anyone who is not an operator, but is quick to deliver the cool SWAT head nod.
  • Subscribes to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
  • Plays golf while wearing a gun.

The Feds

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  • Shaves head and grows goatee (unless they want to be a management weenie, then they remain clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
  • Wears 5.11 pants, and a polo shirt with agency logo (unless they want to be a management weenie, then make sure they always wear shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for those occasions when the president shows up unexpectedly).
  • Arrives at work at 8 a.m. sharp and spends one hour answering emails, and 30 minutes checking their retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss a new case.”
  • After participating in their first warrant service, they make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize their superior tactical skills.”
  • After doing their first buy bust, the agent immediately begins asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
  • Refuses to play golf with the inferior locals cops.

Traffic Units

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  • Write tickets to EVERYBODY, including mom.
  • Spend every weekend cleaning their vehicles and polishing their boots.
  • Annoys everyone on the radio calling out their stops.
  • Talks only about the huge number of traffic tickets they write in a single day.
  • Rides by storefronts with big windows to admire their reflection.
  • Golf is lame. Paintball all the way.

K-9 Units

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suspect pursuit and capture

  • Become sadistic. Enjoy seeing their dogs chew on human flesh.
  •  Proudly show pictures of their latest dog bite.
  •  Brag constantly about their largest drug find.
  • Smells like a dog.
  • Uniform and car seats coated in dog hair.
  • Works out three times a day, with or without the dog.
  • Enjoys an occasional doggy treat as a mid-morning snack.

Administrative

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  • Good for three-hour lunches, everyday, telling everybody it’s a “meeting.”
  • Upgrades department cell phone practically every month.
  • Tells everybody they’re published in a national law enforcement magazine.
  • Update their revenge list on a weekly basis, and has investigators build files on “enemies.”
  • Plays lots of golf (often called “afternoon meetings).

Patrol Officers

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  • Have nerves of steel.
  • Despise department politics and stupid rules and regulations.
  • Inability to keep mouth shut when around the media.
  • Is respected by peers.
  • Plays golf but is unsure of the rules. Driving the cart while drinking a cold Bud is cool, though.

FTO (Field Training Officer)

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  • Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when the rookie is behind the wheel.
  • Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
  • Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
  • Knows that it’s a rookie’s place to handle ALL foot pursuits while he/she follows along in the air-conditioned patrol car.

Detectives

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  • Show up for work at 0800, or so.
  • “Breakfast” is from 0815 to 1030.
  • Shuffle through paperwork from 1030 to Noon.
  • Lunch from noon to 1400.
  • Meet informants from 1415 until 1500.
  • Office walls are packed full of awards, commendations, and photos of the investigators with various celebrities.
  • Rest of the day is spent in the office talking to anyone who’ll listen to their plans to write a bestselling book based on their many outstanding cases and accomplishments.
  • Choice of beverage becomes wine and specialty beer.

Sergeant

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  • Remembers very well “how we used to do it back in the good old days.”
  • Always willing to tell his officers the above.
  • Tries to fit the word “liability” into every sentence.
  • Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
  • Hates what he’s hearing from upstairs.
  • Hates carrying those newfangled guns. Give him an old wheel gun any day.
  • Plans retirement on a daily basis.
  • Counts the number of days until retirement…every day of every week.

Trainee/Rookie

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  • Watches every episode of Cops, 48 Hours, CSI, and the Andy Griffith Show.
  • Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
  • Arrives for work three hours early and stays over past regular shift (on their own time) to ride with other officers.
  • Thinks the sergeant is always thrilled to see him/her.
  • Male trainees are too young to grow facial hair.
  • Their favorite song is the sound of a siren blaring.
  • Are extremely surprised to learn that many people enjoy hitting cops.
  • Are shocked when many people hit them.
  • Don’t like it when hit by many people.
  • Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers

  • Show up for work 15 minutes early.
  • Buy only the best ink pens.
  • Wear T-Shirts of their “dream police department” under their uniforms.
  • Wear a full duty belt of gear (purchased with their own money from the local cop shop), even though they have to remove everything when they arrive at the facility. But it’s really cool to go inside a convenience store wearing full gear.
  • Become friends with every local police officer.

Court Security

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  • They say they don’t want to work patrol, but secretly monitor dispatch channels while inside the courtroom and at home.
  • Have jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
  • Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials.
  • Think they know more than the judges and attorneys.
  • After sitting through four or five trials, they’re positive they know more than judges and attorneys.

Defensive Tactics Instructors

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  • Starts stretching and warming up before making arrests.
  • Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
  • Has spent more than $50 on a wooden baton.
  • Knows how, where, and when every scar on their body was received.
  • Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

Firearms Instructor

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  • Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
  • Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
  •  Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
  • Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
  • Decorates uniform shirt with every marksmanship pin and medal available.
  • Clean their weapons while eating lunch.
  • Uses gun-cleaning lube/oil as cologne.
  • Wears at least two concealed backup weapons at all times.
  • Wears an ankle holster to bed in case he can’t reach either of the 12 firearms hidden throughout the bedroom.
  • He/she and their family decorate the gun safe during the holidays.

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