Rookies: Inexperienced beginners who think they know everything but have a lot to learn about, well, everything.
Rookie-itis: A disease often contracted by newly-hired police officers. The contagious illness causes serious and extremely irritating bouts of “knowitallness.”
How does one spot a police rookie. It’s really quite easy if you know the signs and symptoms. Suppose, though, that it is you who’s chosen police work as your dream job. What sort of things should you look for if you suspect that you’ve contracted the dreaded “Rookie-itis?” Well …
You know you’re a rookie if …
- You tell everyone on the planet, even the homeless guy who stands in the street yelling at passing cars, that you’ve been hired to serve as the next great police officer.
- Your new boss calls to tell you that you’ve been designated to work an undercover assignment (since no one on the planet knows you’re a cop) before hitting the streets in uniform. Oops …
- You begin giving “the nod” to every veteran cop you encounter. You know none of these people and they don’t know you, and they all think you’re as crazy as a loon. But you think the odd looks they’re giving you are ones of fear, knowing that within a matter of weeks you’ll be their supervisor.
- You’re issued brand new uniforms and immediately have them tailored to make your waistline appear slimmer and your biceps larger.
- You put on the full uniform and stand in front of the mirror, admiring the greatest crime-fighter since Mighty Mouse.
- Polishing your shoes quickly consumes what used to be time spent doing yard work.
- When you do find time for a little yard work you do it while wearing your newly-issued department sidearm strapped to your waist. After all, it matches the metal lamppost in the front yard. And, well, you never know when a bank-robbing-serial-killing shoplifter might pass by. Hmm … might need the ankle holster, too, and an extra set of cuffs. The thought of adding a blue light to the hood of the mower passes through your head, but you quickly brush it aside, knowing that stealth mode and an unmarked John Deere lawn tractor is best when working in plainclothes.
- You finish the yard work, shower, and then put on the full uniform and stand in front of the mirror. Looking fine! Mighty doggone fine.
- It’s the weekend and, instead of going to the club you’ve enjoyed since the day you were old enough to drink, legally, you head over to the home of another rookie. You and your buddy settle in for a night of beer drinking and binge-watching Miami Vice episodes. You compare biceps and triceps and decide that a few pushups during commercial breaks would be appropriate and necessary. The future of the world is at stake, you know.
- You call a cab to drive you home where you put on the uniform and stand in front of the mirror. The second you see your awesome reflection you snap to attention, salute, and sing the COPS theme song, loudly, before passing out on the floor.
- It’s 11 a.m. when you finally wake up, realizing you’ve slept in your uniform. So you stand in front of the mirror, imagining that’s how you’d look after working 48 straight hours to solve the worst murder case in U.S. history. Looking fine, as always.
- 6 p.m. – Time to polish the badge and shine the shoes. This is the 487th time you’ve polished the two since … yesterday at this time.
- You realize you haven’t called Aunt Daisy to tell her you’ve been hired as a police officer. You call but Uncle Billy answers and tells you Aunt Daisy died four years ago. Yes, Uncle Billy heard the news about you from your mom, who called everyone in the family the day she first saw you standing in front of the mirror in full uniform.
- It’s your first day on patrol. The city is extremely fortunate that you’re now on the streets.
- You know deep down in your heart that the opposite sex is in for a real treat the moment they see your superfine self in uniform. You start thinking of ways to let them down without breaking their hearts. No worries, though, because there’s enough “SuperCop” for everyone to enjoy a sample.
- You’re a bit nervous (on the inside) and the feeling sends your stomach into a bit of turmoil. Wow, that’s a lot of gear to remove just to use the restroom, and it takes a lot of time to take it off and put it back on. When you finally return to the briefing room you discover that everyone is gone. So you stand in front of the mirror imaging how supurb you’d look sitting inside a patrol car.
They’ll be back … the world needs you.
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