Friday’s Heroes: Remembering the Fallen

Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Trooper Chad Phillip Dermyer, 37

Virginia State Police

March 31, 2016 – Trooper Chad Dermyer was shot and killed when a man he was speaking with at a local bus terminal pulled a gun and opened fire.

Trooper Dermyer is survived by his wife, two children, parents, sister, and a brother.

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Trooper Jeffrey Nichols, 27

Texas Highway Patrol

March 26, 2016 – Trooper Jeffrey Nichols was killed in car crash while on patrol. He is survived by his parents.

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Officer Susan Louise Farrell, 30

Des Moines Iowa Police Department

March 26, 2016 – Officer Susan Ferrell and Officer Carlos Puente-Morales were killed during a head-on crash when their patrol vehicle was struck by a wrong-way driver.

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Officer Carlos Puente-Morales, 34

Des Moines Iowa Police Department

March 26, 2016 – Officer Carolos Puente-Morales and Officer Susan Ferrell were killed during a head-on crash when their patrol vehicle was struck by a wrong-way driver.

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I Once Arrested an Intoxicated "Beluga Whale," and Other WTF Moments

 

Everybody has “one of those days,” right? Well, suppose your “days” were like these…

  1. While working an undercover assignment that spilled over to another state, I was with two informants who’d introduced me to a drug supplier. At the time of the meeting where we were to purchase a quantity of cocaine, I was unarmed with no radio and no phone. Well, as bad luck would have it, a guy walked up and I immediately recognized him as someone I’d once arrested for selling crack. I continued with the transaction, keeping my cool, but on the inside my heart was pounding like a bass drum in a high school marching band. Apparently the thug didn’t recognize me and the deal went through as planned. Afterward, the three of us returned to our car and we’re preparing to leave when “my friend” walked up and tapped on my window. This is it, I thought. He’s going to shoot us. But he stood there and motioned for me to roll down the glass. When I did he leaned over and whispered, “You owe me one. Big time.” Then he gave me a slight wink and walked back inside. Talk about a pucker factor times ten!
  2. Subsequent to serving a search warrant on the home and property of a drug dealer, one of the officers assigned to search the vehicles called me on the radio and said, “You need to see something out here.” I stepped outside and found him standing behind a car with the trunk open. When I walked over he pointed inside at a couple of silhouette targets, each with multiple bullet holes punched through the paper. My name was written at the top, just above the heads. This was the second time I’d seen my name on a target such as these. Very creepy, to say the least.
  3. I’ve performed CPR a few of times over the years. Once was on a drug addict who’d overdosed. Before he consumed the drug, though, he’d eaten a can of sardines, with mustard, and he’d filled his gut with a rather large amount of beer and liquor. Unfortunately, I received a big taste of each as I blew much-needed O2 into his lungs. After this incident I purchased a CPR pocket mask. No more mouth-to-mouth for me. I also made a promise to my stomach that I would never allow another sardine to pass my lips. I don’t even like seeing the tiny fish at aquariums. Yuck!
  4. One Saturday morning an elderly lady called dispatch to report a fire in her kitchen. I was nearby and responded to see if I could help. The woman met me on her front porch wearing a robe and slippers and a massive amount of curlers in her hair. She was visibly upset. I rushed inside and found the burnt contents of a frying pan on fire. I dumped a bunch of salt into the pan and covered it with a lid. She told me she’d been cooking fish, but the charred stuff was totally unrecognizable. So I opened the windows and doors and used a dishtowel to force some of the thick smoke outside. After things calmed down I noticed several full and stinky garbage bags sitting on the back porch. She explained that her grandson used to come by to haul the garbage to a nearby dumpster, but he’d gotten into a bit of trouble and was currently in jail. So I loaded the bags into the trunk of my patrol car and told her I’d take them away for her. She grabbed my arms and pulled me down to her level so she could kiss my cheek. She then called me her “white knight.” Well, long story short…I stopped by on a regular basis to take away her trash, fix a broken cabinet drawer, lift and tote things, run to the grocery store for this and that, listen to stories about her family, her deceased husband, and about her church—she dearly loved attending church, and, well, I even found myself mowing her lawn after work. Sadly, my elderly friend died six months after the morning of her fish fire. I was the only white person who attended the funeral. Her family thanked me for being her friend, and for being her white knight.
  5. I responded to a shots-fired call at a crowded nightclub. My backup was a rookie officer who was so new, in fact, his uniform still smelled like its packaging. Now that’s a rookie. We pulled into the parking lot and were met by several dozen people running from the club. We’d parked and taken a few steps toward the building when a man stepped outside and began firing an Uzi into the lot. I’ll never forget seeing the spatter of muzzle flashes. I’ll also never forget seeing my “partner” tucking tail and running back to his car. He’d left his door open and when he came with a few feet of the vehicle he practically dove inside where he frantically grabbed the radio mic and began shouting “Incoming! Incoming! Incoming!” He was subsequently assigned the nickname “Klinger,” after Cpl Max Klinger on MASH. Klinger was one of the characters on the show who announced “Incoming wounded!”
  6. It was early one Sunday morning, about 3 a.m., or so, when I received a call about a fight in progress at a club, with weapons involved. As my luck would have it I was nearby. When I pulled up I saw a group of people, men and women who were in the process of yelling and screaming and pushing and swinging. One shirtless young man held a knife in his right hand and used the left to cover his very bloody neck. I hopped out of my car and ran over to him. He made a couple of swipes at me with the knife and it was then that I saw blood spurting from between his fingers. The thin streams of blood looked like they were being shot from a high-end water pistol. I called for EMS and then wrestled the knife from him. One of the men in the crowd gave me his t-shirt and I used it to apply pressure to the wound until the ambulance arrived. An ER doctor told me the man had suffered a stab wound that nicked his carotid artery. The wounded man survived. I was covered in blood and had to go home to shower and change.
  7. I responded to an “escaped prisoner” call at a local jail. A newly hired corrections officer/jailer processed a prisoner and was taking him to his cell when the bad guy got away from the officer. The two were running around in the lockup area, and during the melee the inmate had somehow taken the keys from the jailer. When I arrived the prisoner was holding the officer away by bombarding him with rolls of toilet tissue, bars of soap, and whatever items he could find to throw. The other prisoners joined in and were also lobbing things at the officer. We quickly got things under control, took the keys from him, and then discovered a small pistol in the pocket of his jumpsuit. The jailer had not found it during the pre-lockup STRIP SEARCH! How in the heck do you miss seeing a gun on someone who’s totally nude. Turns out the new jailer was too shy to ask prisoners to strip so he skipped that so very important step of the process. He was fired. The officer who brought the armed man to the jail was also in a heap of trouble.
  8. A man wearing a corrections uniform was driving a car late at night on a deserted stretch of interstate. He was speeding and weaving a bit between the lanes, so I stopped him. His passenger was totally nude (male), handcuffed to the car door, and beads of sweat the size of gumdrops dripped from his face onto his pasty-white, beluga-whalish body. The driver wore only his Department of Corrections shirt. He was nude from the waist down. No shoes or socks. When he rolled down his window the two looked at me as if to say, “Is there something wrong, officer?”

So, how’s your day going so far?

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Policing in the Past: A Dollar to a Donut

 

The year is 1988 and I’m assigned to patrol duty in a town called Soft Kitty, Ca. We’re bordered by the towns Warm Fur Baby and Sweet Puppy. All three are located in Squeezemtodeath County. Soft Kitty, where I work, is the county seat.

My name is Officer Usta Luvmyjob, III, and I work the graveyard shift. I carry a gun and wear a badge. It’s my job to protect and serve.

Soft Kitty is a peaceful place with very little crime. The streets are lined with green, leafy trees and flowers of every color imaginable. The walks are clean and the air is fresh. People smile and say howdy, even to strangers who pass through. The coffee is hot and soft drinks are cold. No one curses and no one argues. Kids are polite and respectful. Their parents attend school functions, and families enjoy meals together. Schools are for learning and children love their teachers. The lake is full of sparkling water, and fish are seen each morning jumping as high as three or four feet into the air to catch a bug or two. The skies are blue and grass is soft and velvety.

Everyone in the area works hard to earn a living. The local university produces top-notch graduates with many who move on to become doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, and other such careers. Some attend the technical school where they learn to cook, build, and drive big rigs. The dropout rate is low. Teen pregnancies are low. And drunk driving charges are few. Soft Kitty is a nice town.

Sure, Billy Buck “Bubba” Johnson occasionally goes off the deep end and tears up one of the local bars, and once in a while somebody catches his wife in bed with a neighbor and subsequently uses his trusty 12 gauge to generously aerate her lover’s nude body. Once, the president of the bank ran off with with one of the tellers, a big-haired woman who, at the time, was married to a local farmer. They took few thousand dollars from the vault and hit the road. They didn’t get far, though, before the Highway Patrol caught up with the adulterous couple in Happytown, near the Oregon state line.

For the most part, though, we answer barking dog and peeping Tom complaints. We write a few traffic tickets and keep the undesirables outside the city limits (those Sweet Puppy folks can be downright ornery, especially so on Saturday nights).

Pot smokers and growers were once a bit of a concern for us. After all, the government was spraying marijuana crops with Paraquat, a chemical linked to cancer, and President Reagan and his wife Nancy were leading the anti-pot crusade. Next came George Bush, Sr. and Desert Storm, a war that sent a lot of police officers back into active military duty. Some never came home.

Anyway, we kept a close eye on the long-hairs and the people they hung out with, making sure to snag them if we saw them driving or smoking weed in public. Our narcs where forever finding  and destroying grow operations, but they always popped back up in new locations.

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Then, seemingly all at once, crack cocaine entered the picture and things really went downhill. That’s also the time when bad guys started carrying semi-automatic pistols instead of cheap pawn shop revolvers. We, however, still had six-shooters in our holsters, which meant the crooks were far better outfitted than the police. So, to “keep up with the Joneses” we started making the switch as well. What a learning curve that was to go from carrying 18 rounds (6 in the gun and 12 in speed loaders) to 16 in the pistol and an extra 30 in spare magazines worn on our gun belts. The training was a bit intimidating at first, but we got the hang of it. Still, a few of the old-timers opted to keep their old wheel guns in lieu of the semi-autos. Change is tough, especially when it comes to a tool that could save your life.

With the influx of crack came an increase of criminal activity. Property crimes increased enormously. Assaults were up. Murders and other shootings became commonplace. Shots-fired calls became a regular thing. Stabbings increased. Robberies. Rapes. Car thefts. Break-ins. They all topped the stat charts.

Drug dealers hung out on street corners and in front of “drug houses,” selling to people as they drove up. Curbside service was the way to go, too, because the dealers/runners only held a small amount of crack that could easily be swallowed or dropped if they saw us coming. Or, they could simply run away before we pulled up. The main stash was inside one the nearby houses, but pinpointing which one required significant surveillance and manpower. Unfortunately, all our manpower was more usually tied up working on keeping the ever-growing crime rate at a manageable level. But we were simply outnumbered. Crack was ruining our beloved Soft Kitty.

Not long after crack took hold, criminals began to resist our attempts to arrest them. Prior to crack, it was almost a rarity to encounter someone who seriously fought with police officers. Yes, there were some, but not every Bill, Chuck, and Susie. Then they started shooting and lashing out at us with knives. They punched, kicked, and bit. They tried to hit us with cars as they made their escapes. Then they killed an officer. And then another.

Crime grew worse over the years and citizens grew weirder with each passing week. Smiles morphed into frowns. Everyone began to use the “F” word at least once per conversation, and it appears numerous times on internet correspondence and social media (social media is a topic for another day). People said things and were forced to apologize just mere minutes later. If not, a backlash would follow that could instantly ruin their careers. Politicians stole and cheated and lied. Police chiefs and sheriffs were arrested for corruption. Infrastructure started to fail. Kids were texting and driving and crashing their cars. Children were abducted, raped, and killed. Both male and female teachers were caught having sex with students.

Next came the time when people were suddenly afraid and offended by and of everything, including words. “It hurts my feelings when you say that word.” “You offended me when you raised your hand to ask a question.” “We want you to resign because you said what I said offended you.” “Your hair offends me.” Your clothing offends me.” “I’m scared to go to class because someone there might say something that hurts my feelings.” We can’t study history because it’s spooky. Make it go away!”

Things became so bad, actually, that in the year 2016 citizens voted to change the name of our once fair city to Scaredtown, and the name, as I understand it, has remained the same since.

Soon after the name change, city workers began erecting new signs at each of the roads leading into Soft Kitty/Scaredtown. Now when you drive in the first thing you see are those colorful advertisements that read:

“Welcome to Scaredtown, Ca.

Home of the Fighting Spineless Chickens Football Team,

Where Everybody Gets a Trophy!”

Long gone are the days when I could pull up beside the Billy Buck “Bubba” Johnsons of the world and tell them to get inside my car because they’re under arrest for a crime they’ve committed. Nowadays we need to roll out a dozen officers and a camera crew for every arrest. We can’t speak without someone twisting our words and making them some sort of social issue. We can’t look at people because it offends them. And, well…this new breed of “I’m Scared and Offended By Everything” people are driving the world down the toilet and they’re taking us with them. And don’t get me started on politicians and terrorism.

Man, I long for the days when policing was about protecting and serving our communities. Now, well, we’re heading toward a time where officers will be forced to spend more half of their time defending every single move they make.

You know, somebody ought to write a book about this stuff. I’d bet a dollar to donut that it would sell.

Donuts…I’d also wager that somebody somewhere is offended by the mere sight and/or smell of them, or even seeing or hearing the word. Well, I’m not apologizing. I said “donuts,” and I’m not taking it back. And yes, I do know the proper spelling is doughnut, but I favor Dunkin’s spelling choice. Don’t like it? I hear there are donut safe spaces in the back rooms of some bagel outlets. In the meantime,

Donuts, donuts, DONUTS!

Grr…

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Castle: Heartbreaker – A Good Cop/Bad Cop Review

 

Our thief/killer repelled… ~ Lanie. 

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Melanie Atkins

One good thing about last night’s episode of Castle? Kate has finally moved back into the loft and all is well on the home front. Yay. One bad thing? The writing. Lord have mercy. Many of the scenes seemed forced, and a couple of them actually made my teeth hurt. I felt bad for the cast, because they were trying so hard to make something out of nothing. Thus the forced scenes.

I enjoyed the first part of the show, until the writers went off the rails and had Kate agree to let Espo take Sonia, his former fiancee and a convicted thief, back to prison alone. Really? So unrealistic, I groaned in disbelief. Then they had him stop off at his mother’s house so the woman could have a home-cooked meal. Holy cow! Why don’t the idiot writers go to the Writers’ Police Academy so they can get this stuff right? Aarrggh.

Of course, they needed the woman to escape and make Espo look like even more of an idiot, and that was exactly what happened. By that time, I wanted to turn off the TV—and probably would have if I hadn’t had to write this blog. Then we got those weird scenes between Kate and Lucy, then Rick and Linus. Not. Funny. At least not to me.

The new showrunners have totally ruined this show.

I can’t go on, except to comment on Kate giving Espo a week’s suspension without pay for letting the woman escape. A week’s suspension. That’s all, when he should probably have lost his job. Like I said, the episode was so unrealistic I wanted to scream. I’m sure Lee will tear it to shreds, so I’ll let him have at it. I just can’t write anymore.

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Lee Lofland

Lanie certainly summed up this episode in a single word—repel—when she used it to describe how the killer du jour gained easy entry into a super-secure area. The correct word, however, for using a rope to descend a vertical surface, is rappel, not repel which, by the way, means repulsive or distasteful.

Lanie’s accidental intentional use of repel in this instance may have been the actor’s discreet warning to us about what we’d see if we continued watching. So thanks for the warning, Lanie. I just wished I’d listened to you because this episode was so, so horrible and dumb in many ways.

First of all, a detective should never be allowed to work solo with an ex-con/former fiancee. The reasons, and there are a few, are obvious. But the scenario did allow us to see Espo execute a sort of decent long gun disarming tactic when the first bad guy got a little too close him. Yep, it happened twice in single episode. I guess Espo has never heard the old saying, Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice doing the exact same thing and I deserve whatever’s coming my way.

Here a good rule of thumb, writers. Your heroes can take a gun away from someone when it’s within an arm’s length. Any further away and it’s time to come up with another plan, such as having the protagonist retreat as fast as his or her feet will carry them, if possible.

Ryan and Espo set out on their own to recapture an escaped convict (Sonia). Nope. In the real world everyone under the sun would have been alerted to the escape. Sure, a stupid officer may have tried for a little while to find the fleeing felon, but the reality of that situation—possibly being charged with aiding the escapee—would soon take over.

Sonia communicated, by phone, with a robber/thief/killer while in prison using a prison telephone. No way. Those calls are monitored. Sure, sometimes calls are monitored randomly, but the chances of intercepting Sonia’s conversations would be likely. Besides, the plan Espo and Ryan “discovered,” where Sonia plotted the entire thing as a ruse to have them let her out of prison to help them find a killer—total BS. The chance of that happening are about as good as me coming out with a hit rap song and video (In case you’re wondering, I despise rap music, can’t rap, don’t want to rap, wouldn’t rap if I could).

Beckett suspended Espo for one week without pay. Actually, an officer would more than likely be suspended until a hearing where he’d probably lose his job or, at the very least, be demoted back to walking a beat in wino country (not to be confused with walking a beat in wine country, which would not be a bad gig).

Anyway, I agree with Lanie. The actor who played the role of the killer was probably “repelled” the moment he learned he was to drop into this episode.

Okay, now for a quick lesson on weapon disarming. This are two of the basic tactics I taught to academy recruits. I’m confident they’re also used by Jack Reacher…hourly.

 

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The Future of Policing: Fuzzy Bunnies and Hashtags

 

My name is Officer I.C. Nothing. The year is 2025 and I work patrol in Scaredtown, Ca. I was sworn in back in the fall of 2020 and attended the police academy soon thereafter. Part of our academy studies included a brief history of policing, and let me tell you the things we learned were eye-opening to say the least. The biggest shocker was that officers actually carried real guns back in earlier times. They were also required to exercise, learn defensive tactics and handcuffing techniques, and how to drive during something called a pursuit. I ask you, how cavemanish was that?

Our academy training is much different. We spend the majority of our time learning about things that offend people and how to avoid doing those things. After all, they pay our salaries, play golf with our bosses, and they definitely know their rights and the laws far better than we do. I understand that’s been the case for a long, long time.

We trained to avoid high crime areas and placing ourselves in situations where criminals are typically located. Sensitivity training and safe space development are also part of our studies. We learned effective and delicate letter writing (more on this below) and how to use our happy voices when answering the phone. Here a list of other required academy courses.

  1. How to Make Celebrities and Politicians Hate You More Than They already Do
  2. Looking the Other Way 101
  3. Absorbing Punches and Kicks
  4. Smiling While Bleeding
  5. Rock Dodging
  6. You’re on Your Own
  7. The Law According to Facebook
  8. Method Acting – Improving Your On-Camera Persona
  9. History of Hashtags
  10. Target Shooting – Poses and Stances to Improve a Criminal’s Chances of Hitting You

Today, the only people who carry firearms are criminals. In fact, we abandoned all weapons and uses of force many years ago. Actually, I can’t remember the last time any of us put our hands on anyone for any reason. The Supreme Court put a stop to that nonsense, ruling it unconstitutional for law enforcement officers to touch or intimidate private citizens (we’re called law suggestion officers now, by the way). That ruling stemmed from a case involving a group of college students who filed a lawsuit against a department in California after a campus police officer approached and attempted to shake the hand of the president of the Association of Student Safe Spaces. The highly controversial incident took place following a meeting where it was decided that students would no longer be required to attend classes, study, or gain knowledge of any type to receive diplomas. It was deemed that learning new things and information about the present and past are highly offensive.

According to witnesses, the student president recoiled in horror after seeing the officer’s outstretched hand. His attorneys, Stickem, Gougem, and Sue’em, convinced the court that their client, Mr. I. Wanna Trophy, Jr., was the victim of an atrocious and violent act and that the officer’s inappropriate attempt to use his right hand to contact the hand of Mr. Trophy caused immediate and lifelong mental anguish to each of the students present at the meeting. In short, they each honestly believed they were going to die right then and there.

Well, this was the snowball that started the avalanche of similar lawsuits all across the country. As a result of Trophy v. Everybody Passes University (EPU) of California, law enforcement officers were immediately stripped of all weapons, patches, guns, pepper sprays, handcuffs, and any other objects that could be seen as offensive or harmful to the feelings of citizens. Aggressive police K-9’s were taken out of service and were replaced by adorable puppies and kittens. Some agencies opted for fuzzy bunnies and Silkie guinea pigs.

Patrol cars were replaced with passenger vans to allow members of police review boards to ride along at all times. It’s mandatory that members of those boards be from the groups #ihatecops, #policearescum, and #Fthepo-po.

Our main function is to stand outside of meeting places (we’re not allowed to go inside) and say, “There, there. It’ll be okay,” when people file out after listening to speakers talk about the latest things that should deeply offend them. I saw a brochure at my last assignment that listed a few of the recent things that offend.

  1. Foot race. It’s hurtful to hear someone address the race of your feet.
  2. College orientation. You do not have to listen to rules and regulations. Besides, it’s your choice as to whether or not you want to be oriented.
  3. Happy Meals. No one has the right to tell you that your meal is happy. If you want a sad meal, then so be it.
  4. The month of May. Yes, you MAY do whatever you want. Calendars should never be in a position to tell you when to do anything.
  5. Lines painted on the highway. They’re too divisive. People should be allowed to drive on whichever side of the road they choose.
  6. Air. People should keep their own air in their own personal space. It’s scary when your air comes into my space.
  7. People who are offended by offended people. Yes, they are offensive.

In addition to “There, There” duty we are sometimes required to interact with dangerous criminals. However, the law states that we must conduct all business of this nature by email, and the first step is to send a nice, friendly message such as this one I sent to a man who used a can of peas to bludgeon his wife and three neighbors.

Dear Mr. Brainbasher,

The Scaredtown Police Department humbly and respectfully sends this message to advise you that we recently learned of the beating death of your loving wife of 25 years, and your good friends the Cuposugar family. We sincerely hope this letter does not offend you, but we are required by law to ask that you not kill anyone in the future. You’ve exceeded your limit with this one incident; therefore, should a second murder occur we will have no choice but to send you another letter, which may be slightly more strongly-worded, depending upon the circumstances. In the meantime, please watch for a package from us that should arrive within the next five business days. It’s a new puppy. We hope you enjoy your new buddy. His name is Didntdoit. Like you, he’s a good boy.

Sincerely, 

Your friend, Officer I. C. Nothing

So, that about sums up policing in the year 2025. Please stay safe, and I apologize if this article offended you. I’m also sorry if my apology was offensive.

Have a good day, if you want to. If not, we could send you an official puppy, kitten, bunny, or guinea pig. By the way, they’re trained to be neutral so as to not hurt your feelings.

Finally, here’s a song we adopted as our official training academy theme song. I think these guys were on to something…

 

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The Secret Meeting That Just Changed Your Life

 

Earlier today, at approximately 2 a.m. EST, in a top secret meeting attended by judges, politicians, police chiefs and sheriffs from across the country, it was decided that…

  1. All police officers will be provided designated safe spaces where they may go when things get tough on the streets. Criminals, rock- and bottle-throwers, protestors, politicians, and other cop-haters may not enter these safe areas. It was also ordered that no crimes may be committed while officers are in their safe spaces. This is a lawful “timeout.”
  2. Since bad guys are no longer intimidated by an officer’s sidearm, starting today all police officers will replace the firearms in their holsters with boxes of chalk. Then, when facing deadly encounters with violent people the officer will quickly unholster a stick of chalk and quickly write #Trump2016 on the pavement. It is believed that since the phrase causes college students to fear for their lives the tactic should easily work on armed crooks as well.
  3. An early morning protest outside the official meeting place quickly turned violent when members of the ME,ME,ME Lives Matter group began arguing amongst themselves over which member should toss the first rock at police guarding the perimeter.
  4. Starting in 2017, police will no longer have the authority to arrest humans. Instead, they will be required to stand still while receiving punches, kicks, and incoming rounds from mostly illegal firearms. To make it easier for citizens to land a strike, each officer’s uniform will be outfitted with a bright red bulls eye (removable for easy cleanup). Patrol cars are also required to feature a bulls eye on each car door.
  5. Beginning immediately, it is mandatory that officers be shot at least 18 times before they’re allowed to draw their weapons. Even then, they may not return fire until first determining that suspects are at least 21 years of age, they are not in the process of “turning their lives around,” and that they are not suffering from “I hate all cops syndrome.” If either of these conditions exists the officer must stand perfectly still to provide a better target for the shooter. A late-added addendum to the new rule also states that officers may not return fire if a family member says the shooter is a “good person.”
  6. A new law going into effect July 1st replaces criminal trials and parole and police review boards with Facebook comments. In lieu of jury proceedings, Facebook commenters will then decide the fates of all accused criminals. Therefore, the list of people who no longer have to worry about going to prison includes, attractive people, people who’ve posed for photos while wearing a cap and gown, anyone who shoots a cop, and anyone and everyone who posts puppy photos on Facebook. People who will go to prison by default—cops, politicians, and people who don’t agree with someone’s posts.
  7. Traffic tickets and arrest warrants will totally disappear in the fall of 2016. Social media has declared them as “unfair” because people simply don’t like to be bothered with obeying stupid laws, such as reckless driving and murder. Texting while driving will then become mandatory for all drivers, especially teens. Everyone is required to text at least twice while driving on the freeway at 80mph.
  8. It was decided that police may no longer patrol high crime areas so as to not hurt the feelings of criminals who rape, rob, steal, and kill in those sections of towns. Gang members have been called on to enforce the laws those neighborhoods and business districts.
  9. All CVS pharmacies are required to self-destruct every three years to prevent protestors from scalding their hands when attempting to burn those businesses to the ground.
  10. Each major city is now required to pass out fresh rocks and bottles during active protests. Official rock and bottle forepersons are to inspect and certify each projectile for “ease of toss.” The federal government has established a new 12,000 person department to oversee city rock and bottle deployments. The new Rock and Bottle Czar says their agents will be available to assist municipalities, if needed. There’s also a federal grant available to aid in the purchase of additional handouts, such as bandanas, ski masks, pawn shop guns, and forklifts to make overturning police cars a bit easier. They even have government-trained protestors on standby should a group’s attendance be low at any given time. Trophies will be handed out to all participants.
  11. Police officers are to receive mandatory “Stand Down” training where they’ll learn to suck in their emotions when they’re not allowed to do their jobs while people break the law. Included in this law is the termination of TASER and pepper spray use by police (because they sting and they offend Facebook people), frowns, loud voices, humming the COPS theme song, and looking at people when driving by in a patrol car.
  12. A shocking ruling takes effect on September 1, 2017, requiring that prisons release all inmates back into society. Then, all law abiding citizens are to immediately take up residence in the newly vacated prisons. This will free up a ton of space in the prisons because there are fewer people in the U.S. who’ve never broken a law than those who have. Yet, many of these people (those who’ve broken a law or two but were not caught) are quick to judge those who were caught. You know who you are, you stealers of paper clips and ink pens, and joint smokers. Released prisoners will then be free to destroy the country at will while the new prison residents enjoy the delicious food and comfortable accommodations they’ve bitched about inmates having for so many years. I think there’ll be quite a few minds changed within the first week, or less.

So there you have it. Are you ready for the changes? By the way, this post is entirely tongue-in-cheek. Please don’t turn it into a forum for cop-bashing, politics, gun control, race, or religion, etc. Please… I merely used a few actual news stories as a basis for the post.

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Later this afternoon, right here on this very blog, I plan to reveal something that’s absolutely cool. The timing is perfect, too, because sometime today, if things continue as they are, this site will have reached a whopping 4 million visitors from all across the world!

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Today is Friday, the day when I typically honor the officers who died in the line of duty during the week. However, since today is April Fools Day I didn’t think the jovial nature of the day would be an appropriate atmosphere for such a solemn post. Until tomorrow, please keep the families of the fallen officers in your minds and hearts.

/by