Tonight’s episode is the first of a two-parter, and I have to admit I’m thankful the network broke this particular show into segments. Why? Because there’s no way I could stomach this all in one sitting. The writers definitely went for over the top stupid this time.

Sure, the usual humor was there, and the fire between Beckett and Castle was definitely blazing hot. And, of course, Alexis was as adorable as ever. But the police procedure and forensics were absolutely horrible. The cop-type stuff was so bad I quit taking notes after I filled the fourth page of a legal pad. Shoot, I’d filled two pages before the opening credits finished rolling.

I’m going to skip a lot of the bad procedure this week, because I’d like to get into bed before sunrise. It’s 12:22 now, so wish me luck. Here goes…

Oh, please do remember the purpose of this review. I write it to point out the good and bad police procedure used in the show, not to ding the writing, the acting, the commercials, the production, the casting, the stage lighting, etc. This review is solely to help writers get their facts straight. Castle is a work of fiction, and it’s a comedy (bordering on Leslie Nielsen Naked Gun and Police Academy silly this week). I appreciate the show for what it is. So please don’t send me nasty emails and threats because you’re in love with Nathan Fillion. I don’t know the guy, but I’m sure he’s really nice. So are the writers who ASKED me to do this review. AND, I like the show!

Warning! I’ve inserted an image of a real gun shot wound below. It may be considered graphic to some people.

Anyway…

– We see the first victim, a guy who’d been shot five times while inside a phone booth. My wife and I both shook our heads at this scene, and I don’t think we stopped shaking our heads in disbelief until the previews for next week’s show came on. My wife, who has a PhD in pathology and is quite familiar with death by both natural and unnatural causes, commented about the cascading rivers of blood that had poured down the victim’s chest. She referred to the numerous gun shot victims she’d seen over the years, and stated that in most cases gun shot wounds are remarkably unremarkable. As a former police detective and a former EMT, I agree. Normally, entrance wounds are small, about the size of the projectile itself, and any bleeding that occurs usually soaks into the clothing (which acts as a wick) beginning at the site of the wound and spreads outward.

This is the shirt worn by an actual shooting victim. The shot was fired at close range (notice the black powder burn). I was in the morgue when this shirt was removed from the body. The image below is of the wound received by the man wearing this shirt. The wound was approximately the size of the bullet.

– Enter Lanie Parrish, the M.E., and she was in rare form tonight. I do believe her morgue is the only one in the entire world that incorporates crystal balls and Ouija boards as part of their autopsy room tool arsenal.

How else could she possibly arrive at some of her magical medical conclusions? Lanie, bless her little heart, offered her first wacky determination of the night when she said she knew the victim had consumed a martini based on a tox report. There’s no way to arrive at that conclusion based on what’s contained in a tox report. A tox report would indicate an alcohol content. And stomach contents may have revealed pieces of an olive, maybe. Had she ordered specific tests, maybe the other ingredients would show up, too. I don’t know. But there is no “martini” test. Besides, who could possibly say with certainty that the victim didn’t consume each of the martini’s ingredients separately? Now, if Lanie had then shaken, not stirred, the dead guy vigorously to mix those ingredients…

I think something stupid fell from Lanie’s mouth each time she opened it in this episode. Awful. Awful. Awful! Oh, and she had the martini tox report in a matter of hours, not days or weeks like in real life.

– Beckett says the crime scene folks collected 200 fingerprints, over 1,000 fibers, and 60 DNA samples from the phone booth where victim #1 was murdered. So what? It’s a public phone booth. What good are all those pieces of evidence without a suspect to match them to? Sure, you could run the prints through AFIS and the DNA through CODIS, but what would that prove? That someone in the system had used a public phone booth? Well, shame on them. But again, so what? Besides, do you realize how long it would take to process 200 fingerprints and 1,000 fibers? How about the cost of running 60 DNA tests? Probably not gonna happen without a suspect.

Victim #2

– The killer calls Beckett and tells her she can find this victim’s body on a carousel. Beckett and entourage approach the scene driving on an asphalt path. Well, when they arrive at the carousel they each drive off the pavement and park in the grass. Why? They could have destroyed tire tracks, footprints, and other evidence. Dumb move.

– The M.E. consults her tea leaves and says there’s a contusion on the victim’s side that’s consistent with the muzzle of a .45 caliber.

Was it this muzzle?

This one?

Or this one?

Or maybe she meant this muzzle…

It doesn’t matter because there’s no way the bruise on the victim’s side could have proven anything without an object to match it to, an object that was not available. It didn’t even look like the end of a gun barrel to me.

– Parrish says the killer was left-handed because the muzzle bruise was on the victim’s left side. WHAT?? Sure, that might be true if the killer was standing behind the victim and used his left hand to jam the barrel into the victim’s left side, but not if he was standing in front of her. Then the bruise would have appeared on her right side. AND, the killer could be like me. I’m left-handed, but I shoot with my right hand. Many left-handed people use both hands, each for different tasks. I can even write forward and backward at the same time—forward with my right and backward with my left. Yes, I could actually write this blog forward and backward, at the same time. The bruise thing proves absolutely nothing.

– Okay, time for the FBI–the Fart, Barf, and Itchers (a line from a James Lee Burke novel) to enter the scene. Their mission? Take over the case.

Special Agent Whatshername ducks under the crime scene tape barking out orders like she’s Queen of Murder Solving. Nope. No way. No how. Not in a million years would this happen. For starters, the FBI doesn’t normally work murder cases. That’s not what they do. They’re mostly concerned with things like counterterrorism and organized crime. In fact, here’s a list of crimes they do investigate. I copied the list from their website, so there’d be no mistaking what you see.

1. Counterterrorism
• International Terrorism
• Domestic Terrorism
• Weapons of Mass Destruction

2. Counterintelligence
• Counterespionage
• Counterproliferation
• Economic Espionage

3. Cyber Crime
• Computer Intrusions
• Online Predators
• Piracy/Intellectual Property Theft
• Internet Fraud

4. Public Corruption
• Government Fraud
• Election Fraud
• Foreign Corrupt Practices

5. Civil Rights
• Hate Crime
• Human Trafficking
• Color of Law
• Freedom of Access to Clinics

6. Organized Crime
• Italian Mafia/LCN
• Eurasian
• Balkan
• Middle Eastern
• Asian
• African
• Sports Bribery

7. White-Collar Crime
• Antitrust
• Bankruptcy Fraud
• Corporate/Securities Fraud
• Health Care Fraud
• Identity Theft
• Insurance Fraud
• Money Laundering
• Mortgage Fraud
• Telemarketing Fraud
• More White-Collar Frauds

8. Major Thefts/Violent Crime
• Art Theft
• Bank Robbery
• Cargo Theft
• Crimes Against Children
• Cruise Ship Crime
• Indian Country Crime
• Jewelry and Gems Theft
• Retail Theft
• Vehicle Theft
• Violent Gangs

– The FBI will gladly assist local police departments, and many investigators welcome their knowledge and resources. But FBI special agents, no matter how special they may think they are, do not ride into town and take cases away from local law enforcement. It’s not their job to do so, and they don’t. Not ever. Murders and all other local cases are always investigated by the local police. If they need help they normally call another local agency, such as the sheriff’s office or state police. Besides, how did the FBI learn about the murder? Who called them?

This scene was especially ridiculous. But believe me, it got worse. In fact, these guys are much more believable.

Well, the next thing SA Jordan Somethingorother does is take over the entire police department. What, the FBI doesn’t have an office in NYC? Give me a break. Sure, I’ve had the pleasure of working with several agents from various three letter federal agencies. You know what they used for an office while they were in our neck of the woods? Their vehicles. They also acted like decent human beings, unlike the agent in this show. They even knocked on the door to my office when they needed to see me. Oh, and they had to check in at the front desk just like I had to do when I went to their offices.

I’m skipping a lot of stuff here, because there’s not enough space on the internet to write all the FBI nonsense in this episode. But feel free to chime in with the stuff that made you roll your eyes.

– A fingerprint search was conducted, through AFIS I suppose, and a match (a hit) showed up on the computer. It even gave the suspect’s name, address, phone number, blood type, shoe size, and favorite sports team. No, no, and no! This is not the way it’s done. The system selects several possible matches, which must be compared to the lifted print by a certified fingerprint examiner.

– Beckett and FBI SA Notrealistic question the guy who sold his little finger to the murderer. They treated the guy like a poor, poor, pitiful witness when actually he’s an accessory to murder. The killer told him what he was going to do with the finger. He knew his prints were going to be used in a murder. He knew the police would be coming for him. And he knew he was a decoy. That makes him a criminal! I also question how effective the severed finger would be in leaving prints in various locations. Once the digit was severed I believe it would stop producing the oily secretions that creates latent prints. I’m not sure how long that would work, but I thought I’d toss that out there as food for thought.

– Agent Getsonmynerves told Beckett to go home and get some rest.

Beckett says no, but the agent responded with, “Don’t argue with me, you’re no good to me if you’re burned out.” Beckett’s next words should have been, “You’re not the boss of me,”  because she’s not. The FBI has no authority over local law enforcement. None whatsoever.

– Castle spends the night at Beckett’s house (they’re getting awfully close to turning this into old Moonlighting episodes). When Castle opens the door to get the morning paper a body falls inside the apartment. Well, this has nothing to do with police procedure, but did you guys notice that when he opened the door he forgot to undo the security chain? Didn’t matter because it just fell off. I guess that was a prop error they didn’t catch during edits.

– Lanie, Lanie, Lanie… She’s just had to come back for one more gaze into her forensics crystal ball. She says she found formaldehyde under the victim’s fingernails and in her hair. How? Why would she be testing for this stuff? Besides, the M.E. would not be doing this testing. She’d send samples to the lab where scientists would do that sort of examination. Then she says she also discovered clay, polyurethane and animal blood, and to Lanie that could mean only one thing…the victim was a taxidermist. Well, it could also mean she worked in a North Carolina textile mill where the local soil is mostly red clay. Perhaps she worked in a furniture store where an exterminator had killed a rat, or a paint factory, or any number of other things? Besides, how many people in this world are familiar with the components of a taxidermy shop?

– SA Jordan Notsosmart leads a pitiful entry team into a search of a possible killer’s home. There were a few things totally wrong with this scene (other than the agent attempting to run in heels), such as Beckett talking to the guy on the phone and not warning the entry team that he’s inside and has a gun. Hello, Det. Beckett. People could get killed here. Of course, she may have realized that one shot could finally silence the annoying female agent. Anyway, the guy shoots himself before they get inside. Tension is gone now, which is a great indicator that this guy wasn’t the killer. Anybody else catch this? I mean this is a two part show, right? Okay, the cops are poking around and the agent sees a bunch of bomb-making equipment, including devices used as detonators, LIKE THE CELL PHONE she picks up. And what does she do, this highly trained agent? She starts punching buttons on the phone! By the way, that’s what makes bombs go boom.

Okay, we’ve made a full circle now, because Castle figured out that the guy who shot himself used his right hand to pull the trigger, and mystical, magical Lanie Parrish said the killer was left-handed (remember the stupid muzzle-bruise theory?). Again, this was so, so obvious. The director did everything short of using a flashing red arrow to point at the suicide guy’s right hand.

Well, the show finally ended and it did so with a bang. Yep, Beckett’s apartment blew up. But was she in it, or was she staying somewhere else? After all, she was peeking out of the shower like she didn’t have a clue where things were located.

There’s only one thing about this episode that’s worse than Lanie’s horrible scenes, and that’s the fact that part two of this nonsense is on the way and there’s nothing I can do to stop it…

TV Overmind photos

*Please refresh your browsers. I’ve made several changes to this blog entry since it posted (10:06 am est).

*     *     *

*Important notices*

– Please check back later in the week for a cool contest where you could win Season 1 of SOUTHLAND on DVD and have your great question answered by Michael Cudlitz (John Cooper) on tnt.tv.

– There are only three spots left for the Writers’ Police Academy FATS training! Hurry! Register today. You won’t want to miss this exciting part of the event!

 

One Man’s Treasure was written by Elizabeth Davis who also wrote last season’s Little Girl Lost. I recall that I wasn’t a fan of that particular episode. In fact, I described it as a snore-fest. This week, Davis’ second effort at placing words into the mouths of two of TV’s most beloved characters, Castle and Beckett, fell miserably short once again. I could barely stay awake and focused even after consuming mass quantities of hot green tea.

Thankfully, Nathan Fillion, Stana Katic, and the rest of the crew (minus the medical examiner, who was absolutely horrid as usual) held the show above water with their chemistry. There were lots of looks, eye contact, and body language this week. And that’s a good thing because the writing was lacking what we’ve had the pleasure of seeing in the past few episodes. Overall, the show last night was extremely boring and very predictable. For me, and probably because the M.E. was back, this episode was very disappointing.

Now, for the procedure (This one was easy. There wasn’t much to it).

* This episode was a repeat. Since it first aired, the M.E. character, Lanie Parrish, has improved by leaps and bounds, and so have my critiques of her. But in this episode? Geez…

– Lanie Parrish. Need I say more? Bless her heart (That’s a southern catch-all expression that’s used when someone is really sub par. For example, to the mother of an ugly baby, “Bless his little heart, I bet he’s really smart.” Tamala Jones is simply the wrong person for this part. She’s just not believable. I was so, so tempted to fast forward through her scene, but I sucked it up and took it for the team. However, her information wasn’t all that bad this time. For example:

Parrish stated the victim’s bruises were probably caused by the fall down the garbage chute.  Hmm…could be, but that could only be an accurate statement if the victim hadn’t been dead for very long, which was true in this case.  But the only way she’d know for sure would be to examine the tissue under a microscope. A bruise inflicted after death contains only the normal amount of white cells. Bruises inflicted during life contain an abnormally high number of white blood cells (white blood cells rush to an injury site to help begin the healing process).

– Beckett examines the victim’s Connecticut driver’s license. The date of birth (DOB to cops) was 12-13-78, which would have made the guy 31-years-old in a few weeks. Well, in a later scene Esposito reports, “Sam Parker, age 38, lives in Connecticut with his wife. The detective was off by 7 years.

– The “fiance” was left alone in the morgue with the dead guy. No way, no way, and no way! People are not left alone, in morgues, with dead bodies. They could do anything in there, such as destroying or tampering with evidence. Besides, this is their dearly departed loved one. Passing out, heart attack, and becoming very ill are common reactions to seeing dear old Uncle Billy’s cold body for the first time.

– Beckett’s property room tutorial to Alexis was good information, but it seemed like a forced info dump. Thankfully, it was Beckett who delivered those lines. She’s so good she’d probably make a Brittany Spears song sound good.

Alexis is left-handed, by the way.

…..By now I’m bored to tears and praying for a power failure. No such luck. The show kept moving like it was searching for the final credits, but didn’t quite know where to find them.

– Beckett says, “It’s not uncommon for a witnesses’ memory to become confused after experiencing a traumatic event.” Good information.

– Beckett and Castle question the CEO. He’s all smiles and too cooperative. Okay, was it just me, or had anyone else figured out the murderer’s ID at this point? DUH. And the fiance? Yep, she was definitely guilty of something other than bad acting.

– Beckett is called to a crime scene in Connecticut, yet her jurisdictional boundaries stop in NYC. No big deal, cops go outside their jurisdictions all the time to question people, etc. However, Beckett takes over the scene, offering a deal between the two lawbreakers. Nope, nope, and nope. That wouldn’t have been her decision. Instead, the Ct. cops would have the final say.

The call came in as a trespassing committed by one suspect and an assault by the other. The woman who broke into the house committed a breaking and entering, a felony. When she took the pen she then committed another crime. Sure, she was trespassing (a misdemeanor) when she committed the crimes, but that’s a lesser included offense for which she probably would not have been charged.

– Castle says killers have “crazy killer eyes.” This is very often true. Once you’ve seen that look you’ll never forget it.

The final scene was great.  Castle says Alexis is a chip off the old block. Beckett’s eye roll in response to his statement was priceless.

Again, Castle and Beckett were fantastic. What the show lacked in writing they made up for in body language and chemistry, thankfully.

 

*ABC photos

*     *     *

Writers Police Academy

* FYI – If you have chance , please stop by Murderati. Cornelia Read invited me over there to grill me about the Writers’ Police Academy.

* Important Notice – We are very, very close to reaching capacity for the FATS training. So close, I can actually see the last seat in the class. Please register now to reserve your spot!

The Don Knotts Silver Bullet Novel Writing Contest is now open!

The Don Knotts Silver Bullet Contest Award winner will receive The Silver Bullet Award, free Writers’ Police Academy registration ($235 value), and have the opportunity to submit their entire manuscript to one of the judges (to be determined later based upon the genre and work itself). Additional prizes forthcoming. Here’s your chance to get your work in front of top agents and publishers! The contest is open to the general public and writers from all genres, not just academy registrants and mystery writers!

Please visit the Writers’ Police Academy website for details. www.writerspoliceacademy.com

Contest judges are:

Annette Rogers, Acquisitions Editor of the Poisoned Pen Press, searches for new, unpublished mystery writers. Recent successes include Carolyn Wall SWEEPING UP GLASS, Jeffrey Siger MURDER ON MYKONOS, and Edward Ifkovic LONE STAR. In addition she evaluates and edits manuscripts, corresponds with writers and agents, and fends off Facebook friend requests. Rogers published a bestselling travel book on EGYPT-translated into six languages, wrote for O, The Oprah Magazine, and covered court hearings on the Mormon Bomber case for Time/Life. She has a Masters Degree in History and English. www.poisonedpenpress.com

Benjamin LeRoy is a founder of Tyrus Books-a publisher specializing in crime and dark literary fiction. Before starting Tyrus in July of 2009, he founded and ran Bleak House Books. He lives in Madison, WI where he works on his own writing and is endlessly fascinated with the history of baseball. www.tyrusbooks.com

Elizabeth Pomada worked at David McKay, Holt Rinehart & Winston, and the Dial Press in New York City before moving to San Francisco in 1970 with her partner and husband, Michael Larsen. Together, they started Michael Larsen – Elizabeth Pomada Literary Agents in 1972. Since then, they have sold books from hundreds of authors to more than 100 publishers. Elizabeth is a member of the Association of Author’s Representatives, The Author’s Guild, ASJA, WNBA and co-founder with Michael of the San Francisco Writers Conference and the Writing for Change conference. www.larsen-pomada.com

Kimberley Cameron began her literary career as an agent trainee at the Marjel de Lauer Agency in association with Jay Garon in New York. She worked for several years at MGM developing books for motion pictures. She was the co-founder of Knightsbridge Publishing Company with offices in New York and Los Angeles. In 1993 she became partners with Dorris Halsey of The Reece Halsey Agency, founded in 1957. Among its clients have been Aldous Huxley, William Faulkner, Upton Sinclair, and Henry Miller. She opened Reece Halsey North in 1995 and Reece Halsey Paris in 2006. Her associate Elizabeth Evans opened Reece Halsey New York in 2008, and in 2009 the agency became Kimberley Cameron & Associates. www.kimberleycameron.com

Save

*This week’s show was a repeat of an earlier broadcast.

Let’s just skip the preliminary fluff and get down to business. After watching this episode I’m in no mood for making nice.

The title of this week’s episode is Double Down. Perhaps the network should have opted for calling it Double Trouble. We’ll get into the reasons why in a second. First, I have to say the comedic aspect of the show was in overdrive. I have to wonder, though, if they have a new writer because this episode was unlike any other. I’m not saying the show was better or worse than usual, just different. Maybe even a little odd. But it was what is was – a bit of a disappointment for me. (Remember, this is a repeat. Lately, the M.E. character has been pretty good. I’m really enjoying her new-found wit. I hope it lasts).

The Highs and Lows (Remember, this is a review of the police procedure and a little of the forensics, not the overall show. I’m a big fan of Castle and Beckett. Great chemistry. Even the supporting cast is pretty doggone good. Well, with the exception of one cast member who insists upon spouting off BS forensic material. Maybe she’s just reading her lines, I don’t know. But if I were her, I’d certainly want to at least be as good as everyone else on the show. I did read an interview where she stated the show has a medical examiner as a consultant, a real M.E. who offered to show her around a real morgue. She refused the offer, but who could blame her? I’ve attended many autopsies and not one has been a pleasant experience. Still, do they not listen to their experts? Anyway, here goes. Double Trouble…I mean Double Down.

– Castle mentions the craziness that comes with a full moon. Most cops, ER personnel, and other creatures who work the graveyard shift will nod their heads in agreement with that sentiment. Trouble follows a full moon, and weird calls normally come in during those times. Good stuff.

– The full moon scene was a little over the top, with cops wrestling crazies whose clothing seemed to come off quite easily during the commotion. At one point a new female detective, Roselyn Karpowski (she played a good part in this show), landed on Beckett’s desk, on top of a struggling suspect. While there she spoke to Beckett in a calm, easy tone. I know this was way over the top, but cops are so used to fighting, tussling, wrestling, handcuffing, Tasering, etc., that it is just a matter-of-fact occurrence to be in the middle of a big brawl. So good stuff, here. Take this one to the bank. Cops don’t get excited easily when faced with danger. After it’s over, maybe. But when it’s happening they’re right there, toe-to-toe with the best of them.

– The medical examiner working a homicide in a cocktail dress???? No way. Even if she didn’t have time to change she’d have put on a lab coat or other protective clothing. I should not have complimented her last week, because it all went downhill from this really low spot in her night. Geez… I actually felt bad for her. But, as they say on American Idol when the train wreck happens…She looked fantastic.

– Becket told the M.E. to check for fibers and hair. Hmm…I don’t know a single M.E. who’d have to be told that. Nor do I know one who’d take orders from a detective. However, I’m sure Beckett felt she needed to guide this one through the hoops.

– This isn’t procedure, but I had a nice chuckle when Castle said, “The person who killed her also killed the English language.” Those aren’t exactly his words, but you get the idea.

– There was a new coroner at one of the crime scenes. He was very believable, in this scene. But it didn’t last. More in a second.

– Loved the coroner’s “Looky-loo” comment. That’s a nickname used by cops for the people who find it entertaining to observe crime scenes, car accidents, and train wrecks. Again the coroner’s character is pretty good up to this point.

– The betting scenes in the show were very distracting for me. It was cute, but I think they went way overboard with it.

– Okay, here’s where I wanted to kick the TV screen, shout four letter words, and flush the remote down the toilet (after turning off the show).

The two pathologists, the M.E. and the coroner (I’m still not sure why they have one of each. Is it like that in NYC? Dr. Jonathan Hayes, are you out there?), made the announcement that they’d found a diatom on the victim’s bodies that was specific to a single body of water, but they didn’t know where that body of water was located. WHAT???

How in the world could they say the diatom was specific to place they couldn’t identify. If they couldn’t identify the place, then how could they say the diatom is specific to that place?

Hmm…If they knew the diatom could have come from only one place in the world then they must know where that place is. Otherwise, they’d found something, but don’t know where the heck it came from.

Where’s Charlie Brown when you need him?

Wait, I think I know the name of the place. It’s called Conundrum. You know the place. It’s next to Missing, that mythical place where people go when no one can find them. Yeah, once you leave the Conundrum city limits, take a right, drive 6 miles, and you’re there. You’ll see the billboard as you approach. It reads,

Missing, It’s A Happening Place

Population –  Unlimited

Mayor – J. Hoffa

People don’t GO missing, do they? You go to the store, you go to the movies, and you go bowling, right? But aren’t people you can’t kind simply missing? I mean, they aren’t just hanging out in some place called Missing that’s geographically located in the next county over from Purgatory. Or are they? Anyway, we’ve got bigger problems in this episode of Castle. Back to the diatoms…

Doggone it. You can’t discover something that’s only found in one place on earth if you haven’t discovered that place. It’s 2am right now and this crazy-making stuff is really frying my brain.

Oh, it gets worse.

– This started when the M.E. stated a forensic detail popped up during autopsy. That detail was locating the precious missing-link diatom (A cubic inch of diatomite contains millions of diatom fistulas. In other words, they’re pretty darn tiny. A really large one can be as big as a half-millimeter). To begin with, a medical examiner would have to be searching specifically for a diatom during autopsy to have found one, or even a hundred of them. This is not part of a normal autopsy. And so what if they did? What would that mean? That someone was near a river, the ocean, a pond, a mud puddle, damp places, or close to some soil? Yes, diatoms can be found in common soil!

Next, who would have identified this wacky organism in the morgue? Would the pathologist automatically know this as part of their medical training?

Oh, we’re really rolling downhill now…

The medical examiner informs Beckett that the victims had to have come in direct contact with this one of kind water in order for the diatom to have been on the body. Triple hogwash! Water evaporates. How did she know where the diatom came from? How did she know it wasn’t transferred from another person, or in the mist in the air?  Man, I’m really aiming the remote at the toilet now. What, perhaps I shouldn’t do that. Might be a rare diatom in there.

Castle suggests the water came from an aquarium in the victim’s office. Okay, he’s a layperson feeding off the garbage being tossed to him by the “pros.” Now the coroner adds his two cents to this bizarre scene. He says the diatoms were dispersed into the room by the aquarium pump and anyone in the room would be contaminated with the little fellers. What? Is it like a rain forest in that office? Just shoot me with a water pistol filled with poisonous diatoms. Do it now! End this madness.

Back to the diatoms in a minute.

– Beckett and crew (By the way, the two detectives are much improved this season) pull into an alley to serve a search warrant. Good idea, but sliding patrol cars sideways into an alley with flashing red and blue lights isn’t a good way to sneak up on someone. The bad guys would probably toss the evidence before you could say “diatom.”

– During the car sliding/red and blue light fiasco a bunch of street kids are heard yelling Five-0. This is good. That’s what the real hoodlums say when cops roll into the hood. Sometimes you can even hear them whistling as a signal that cops are approaching – a guy on the first block whistles, then a guy on the next block hears it and relays the same whistle, and then the next guy down the line does the same, and so on.

– If the detective holding the shotgun in this scene had been forced to shoot during the raid, I don’t believe he’d have been able to hold on to his weapon. A shotgun has quite a bit of recoil, so it’s best to hold the butt of the gun against your shoulder when ready to fire. He was holding his shotgun like you see the SWAT guys or soldiers carry their automatic weapons. Different animals entirely. Author Melanie Atkins tells me that Esposito is a former soldier, which explains this scenario.

– Back to the dreaded diatom. As it turns out, the thing came from the Hudson River. Yeah, that Hudson. The body of water that’s never been discovered according to the M.E. The Hudson that New Yorkers are exposed to every single day of their lives. This is the mysterious body of water that could only contain this special diatom. Nay, Nay. The Hudson River is connected to:

* Opalescent Brook
* Cedar River
* Indian River
* Boreas River
* Schroon River
* Sacandaga River
* Mill Creek
* Battenkill River
* Hoosic River
* Mohawk River
* Normans Kill
* Catskill Creek
* Esopus Creek
* Rondout Creek
* Roeliff-Jansen Kill
* Crum Elbow Creek
* Wappingers Creek
* Fishkill Creek
* Moodna Creek
* Quassaick Creek
* Croton River
* Pocantico River
* Sparkill Creek
* Wicker’s Creek
* Saw Mill River

Well, you get the idea.

And now to wrap this up…

– Beckett and crew question the two murder suspects, separately (good), and trick the weaker of the two into confessing by saying the alpha crook squealed like a pig. It works like that in real life, too.

At least everyone looked really nice this week. And Castle was pretty funny.

ABC photos

*     *     *

Announcements

We’ve received several emails asking us to extend the early registration date for the Writers’ Police Academy until after income tax and royalty checks arrive. We want to make this one of a kind event possible for everyone, so we’ve decided to honor those requests. We’ll announce the new deadline in a few days. Please take advantage of the low rate!

*    *    *

* Attention active-duty police officers. I need assistance with a bit of research. Sorry, I can’t divulge the subject matter in an open forum. Please contact me at lofland32@msn.com

Thanks,

Lee Lofland

My mother always told us to remain silent if we had nothing good to say about someone, and she, God rest her sweet soul, made a point of practicing what she preached. Therefore, I’m quite sure there were several of my and my brother’s trouble-making friends who pitied us, thinking our mother had been stricken by an awful disease of the vocal cords that had rendered her mute. Well, if I hadn’t promised a few good people that I’d write these weekly Castle reviews I’d certainly zip my lips closed for this episode. I’ve not got a single good word for it.

This show was absolutely horrible from its beginning, where spilled blood of Biblical proportions poured through several layers of building materials (not to mention the victim’s clothing) and then dripped onto the head of a house painter working in a lower-floor apartment. First it gushed, not seeped, through an area rug, then continued its journey through hardwood flooring sealed with a urethane-type finish, a plywood or OSB sub-floor, insulation (since this was an apartment building, insulation is normally used as soundproofing between floors), ceiling drywall, and finally through a coating of paint. What a set of wounds!

I’m baffled. I really don’t understand. Why? Because this episode was written by a real cop by the name of  Will Beall. Beall is a wonderful writer, and he’s a veteran police officer. He works in L.A., and he grew up in Walnut Creek, near San Francisco, so it’s not like he’s lived on another planet, out of touch with civilization. The guy knows police work. He knows procedure. And he certainly knows that some things are realistic, and some are ridiculous. I’m still shaking my head over this one. Was he trying to be funny? If so, that too, failed miserably.

Okay, enough said. Let’s get this over with so I can go to bed. It’s already 1:17am. Sigh…

Roll up your pant cuffs and wade in with me, but be careful, it gets awfully deep.

– Even before the first commercial break my email box had begun to fill with remarks about the show. The first comments referred to a statement made by Esposito about the victim’s shotgun ammunition. He referred to it as .12 ga. hollow point. Well, folks, there is such a thing. This one was right. But from here on out…total BS.

12 Gauge Rio Royal Star Rifled Slug Hollow Point

12 Gauge Rio Rifled Slugs 250 round case
$149.99
Rio Royal Star Rifled Slug Hollow Point, 2 3/4″ 1 1/8 ounce lead slug, 1410 FPS. 250 round case comes in 5 round boxes.

–  I’ve seen Beckett and crew routinely pull back the slides on their pistols prior to entering dangerous situations. I don’t know a single real-life police officer who does this. They all keep their weapons fully loaded, with a round in the chamber. Actually, policy normally dictates that officers keep their weapons fully loaded with a round in the chamber.

Besides, if a weapon was fully loaded when the officer pulled back the slide as Beckett did tonight, the action would eject the round from the chamber, leaving her one bullet shy of a full magazine…

– The M.E. said the positioning of the victim’s wounds indicated the killer was over six-feet tall. She didn’t have enough information to make that determination. How’d she know the killer hadn’t been standing on a ladder when he stabbed the victim? Or, perhaps the victim, instead of the killer, was standing on a ladder, or kneeling, when he was attacked?

– Beckett cut open a package of what appeared to be narcotics and tasted the stuff. Freakin’ ridiculous! Cops DO NOT do this. First of all, it’s illegal to consume illegal narcotics. Second, how’d she know she wasn’t tasting rat poison, anthrax, or some other toxic substance? There are simple field-testing kits available and most cops/detectives carry one in their vehicle, or in their evidence kit. The test is really simple and really quick. Remove the top from the provided pouch, place a pinch of the suspected drug inside, break open the tiny enclosed reagent-filled glass ampule, and shake. The mixture changes color as it reacts with a drug. Different colors indicate the presence of certain drugs. For example, blue indicates the presence of cocaine. Pink means the substance is something other than cocaine.

Besides, the purpose of the tongue test for drugs isn’t for the taste, it’s to see if the tongue or gums become numb. Cocaine is a anesthetic; therefore, a numbing of the tongue and gums means the substance “tasted” is probably the real thing.

Hey, how’d Beckett know what heroin tasted like, anyway? Sounds like a month or two in rehab is in her future?

– Here we go. Stupid just got stupider. The ridiculous became ridiculouser. A rent-a-doctor shows up and says he performed a tomographic reconstruction of the victim’s knife wounds. What’s tomography you ask? It’s that cool graphics stuff – 3-D type images of crime scene and object reconstruction. You’ve seen it on CSI and other fake forensics shows that are written to entertain us. I have to say here that those show are very entertaining. They’re fun, and sometimes the scenes are real nail-biters. But not all the science depicted on the shows is real. And none of the networks, writers, directors, producers, or actors make any claims to that effect. For the most part, it’s all make believe.

Anyway, the forensic pathologist produced a plastic knife and said it was made using tomography of the victim’s wounds. He said it was an exact replica of the murder weapon. He also said it was a perfect copy of the same knife used to kill Beckett’s mother, ten years earlier. WHAT???

First, there’s no way possible to fashion an object based on wounds in human flesh, such as the knife wounds inflicted on this week’s victim, and Beckett’s mother. Tissue and muscle does not retain the shape of the object that penetrated, punctured, slashed, or lacerated it. We’re not made of Silly Putty.

And, if it was possible to make this “knife,” the doctor would have had to perform the exact same kind of hocus-pocus imagery on Beckett’s mother’s body at the time of her death in order to make an accurate comparison.

The doctor then said this was the only knife in the world that could have made the wounds. Therefore, the killer was the one and the same for both homicides. Again, BS! The knife in question, a Daggert 1, a knife that’s no longer in production, was manufactured by SOG Specialty Knives and Equipment. It’s a really sleek, and really nice knife that sold for approximately $130. Police and military were the intended targets for sales.

There are a couple of problems with the good doctor’s theory. Like…

…two copies of the Daggert 1. And, stabbing someone multiple times with a knife such as the Daggert 1 is NOT an uncommon means of murder. This could go on forever, but you get the idea, the theory doesn’t hold water.

– Beckett’s upset, and the captain, her boss, offers her a drink of liquor from a flask he pulled from his desk drawer. She’s on duty with a gun and badge on her side, which makes this highly unethical, not to mention very dangerous (guns, bullets, and alcohol are not a good combination). She unscrews the top and takes a swig. Then she makes a face and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

What’s next, Beckett and a new guest star partying in the dressing room? Watch out Alyssa Milano!

– Beckett would not be permitted to investigate the death of her mother, especially in her current emotional state. It wouldn’t be good for the case, and it definitely would not be good for her mental health.

– Beckett (any cop) does not have the authority to let someone out of jail, or to make deals regarding sentencing (She promised to eliminate the possibility of a death sentence if the suspect provided the name of her mother’s killer).

– The scene where the bad guy grabbed Castle as a hostage was, like the rest of the show, stupid. There’s just no other word for it. Yep, stupid it is. Police officers would never let the guy out the door.

– After Beckett shot the bad guy/drug-dealing hit man she began CPR (ridiculous), attempting to save his life so he could lead her to her mother’s killer. ARRRGGGHHHH! Dumb, dumb, and dumb.

The civil liability alone was at it’s peak at this point in the show. I’m sure if the cameraman had panned to one side or the other we’d have seen Gloria Allred handing out business cards to the dead guy’s friends and family. After all, the suspect was killed because of Beckett’s personal involvement in the case.

The final scene of the show was the best of all. Unfortunately, I don’t remember what it was about, I just know it wasn’t offensive. And for this episode, that’s a good thing.

There were many, many things I could’ve included, but didn’t, due to lack of space in the cyber place where this stuff is stored. Nope, not enough room in the world to point out all the errors in this show.

Please forgive the typos and other stuff. I’m exhausted.

Time – 4:14am. Good night…zzzzzzzzzzzzz

*Castle images are ABC photos.

*     *     *

I found this blog post floating around this morning. It’s from a blog called Doggonedmysteries.

Crossing Castle off my list of shows

That’s it I’m done. When Beckett tasted the drugs that they found in the locker, I was ready to throw a brick at the TV. No *%$#^$ way! The writers of the show seriously need to do some real research or talk to some honest to goodness live police officers.

Hell, Lee Lofland would love it if they came to him for advice or attended the Writers Police Academy. Check out his link on my blogroll-Graveyard Shift.

In the entire show, the only scene I enjoyed was the last one between Beckett and Castle. Geez, that’s bad. Most people who switched channels in disgust missed the best scene. I was busy at the computer-yes, I walked away from the show. Not far though since my computer is in the living room. DH was still watching it and making derisive comments through to the end.

The worst thing is that the premise of this show was good. The writing however, sucked big time. For me it means time to say bye bye to Castle. I have better things to do with my time…like write.

(Repeat) Famous Last Words. That’s the title assigned to this week’s show, Episode 7, written by Jose Molina. First of all, I want to thank Mr. Molina for sparing us the torture that comes with episodes featuring the Lanie Parrish character. I’d gathered all the necessary provisions that I thought I might need to help me make it through a night of Parrish and her forensic pukery – garlic cloves, wooden stakes, silver bullets, and barf bags, but to my relief she’d been written out of this one. Hooray! Instead, we were treated to a very brief visit with M.E. Perlmutter (pictured above with the camera).

I’ve said it in the past, but I’ll mention once again that the Perlmutter character is pretty good. He seems more like a real M.E. than do most TV M.E.’s and coroners. His comment about the cause of death in tonight’s episode was short, sweet, and sort of believable. He said, “The cause of death is a broken neck. At least that’s my prelim.” Based on things he could actually see at the crime scene (Remember, a crime scene is anywhere evidence of a crime can be found. The scene of the crime is where the actual crime took place) Perlmutter says he believed the murder took place somewhere else and the body was brought to the current location, and staged. That’s good stuff. He made an educated guess based on his experience.

Parrish, on the other hand, would have spouted off some sort of Martian gobblety-gook, like the crooked alignment of sweat glands in the neck indicated the cause of death as a blunt trauma to the large intestine. Of course, she would go on to say, that could only mean one thing…the killer was a 32-year-old dwarf, left-handed, albino chimpanzee from the Congo.

Anyway, on with the show…

– Beckett removed and handled the victim’s IPod which could have destroyed or altered evidence such as fingerprints.

– One of Beckett’s sidekicks reported that all shoe prints – a dozen of them – in the area where the body was found had been checked and sized. They ranged from size 5 through size 11. Amazingly, he had done this in the time it took Beckett and Castle to return to the police department from the murder scene. What’s more amazing  was that he actually did this. How? Where’d he find the prints? On concrete? Why did he do this? What did he hope to learn? That people wear shoes? This is New York City, right? I wonder how many people have walked on that particular piece of pavement?

The junior detective did say that he’d checked and learned that there were no security cameras in the area. Now this was good information. Cameras are everywhere these days.

– It was nice to see Castle listening to his daughter’s ideas. Good investigators listen to everyone. Tunnel vision is not a detective’s friend.

– Okay, one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on this show happened next. This one even tops some of the Parrish buffoonery. In fact, it was so bad that I received an email from Lt. Dave Swords the second it happened. He couldn’t believe what he was watching either. What, you ask, could have been so horrible that it prompted two old-school cops to begin exchanging emails like teens texting during a trip to the mall? It was the wacky, crazy, bizarre stop and search by Beckett and crew of a public bus.

This scene was beyond ridiculous. First of all, the bus was overflowing with innocent people. Cops would never stop a public transport vehicle in the manner that Beckett, Larry, and Curly did on this show. The idea is to protect and save lives, not endanger them. So, passing the bus, sliding to a sideways stop in front of it, and jumping out with guns drawn wasn’t exactly very safe to begin with. But to board the bus with weapons drawn and then order everyone to “Show me your hands, now!” was just plain stupid with a capital S. Why didn’t Beckett take it one step further and paint a bright red bulls eye on her forehead before storming the bus?

Lets just suppose for a moment that the suspect was indeed on the bus, and he was. He was a murder suspect, right? And what do murder suspects sometimes have in their little pockets? That’s right, guns and knives. To board the bus as Beckett did endangered the lives of everyone on the bus, including the police. Also, this could have easily turned into a hostage situation or mass murder courtesy of NYPD.

– Beckett locates the suspect and pulls him to his feet. A slight struggle ensues and Beckett ends it by striking the guy between his shoulder blades with her pistol. She delivered that “crushing” (I’m kidding) blow from a distance of about six inches. I seriously doubt she could have wounded a crippled baby gnat with the amount of force that could have been generated in that move. Yet it sent the grown man, whose adrenaline had to pumping hard, to his knees. Un- $%#ing – believable. You know, Mr. Molina, it’s not legal, yet, to smoke that stuff. It’s coming, I believe, but that day’s not here yet. I know, Lewis Carroll came up with a pretty fair story whie tripping, but…

By the way, cops are NOT trained to use their guns for hitting people.

– The suspect lands on the floor at Beckett’s feet after receiving the powerhouse strike to the back. She immediately tells him he’s under arrest for murder. The only people who should be under arrest at this point are the show’s writers and producers. She had nothing – no probable cause, no evidence, no nothing. The last time I checked it wasn’t illegal to buy a bus ticket.

Factually, this was a horribly written scene.

– Beckett is interviewing a murder suspect inside a department interview room. He pulls out his phone to play a video for Beckett. No way. He’d have been searched prior to entering the room and his belongings would have been held, especially a communication device.

– Beckett says, “Everybody looks like a killer to me. It’s a job requirement.” Good statement. Cops don’t trust anyone at first. An old sheriff’s captain once said to me, “Treat everybody as a suspect and you’ll live to come to work tomorrow. Besides, we just arrest ’em. It’s up to God and the judge to sort the good ones from the bad.”

– Beckett told another person this week that he couldn’t leave town. Nope. Cops don’t have that authority. People can come and go as they please unless a court orders otherwise. I’m beginning to think the writers are using boilerplate scripts since a few lines seem to pop up every week. I wonder if they use Movie Magic Screenwriter software?

– The murder victim’s sister is in the morgue, alone with her sister’s body. She also drinking from a liquor bottle. People aren’t allowed to roam, at will, through any law enforcement-type facility. Morgues have a ton of evidence that must be protected from contamination. The sister was there, supposedly, to ID the body. Most M.E.’s offices nowadays don’t allow up close contact during the ID process. Many offices use photos, or have the person view the body through a glass.

– Beckett says the M.E. analyzed the victim’s lipstick and found that it was a certain brand, type, and even learned the specific color name. M.E.’s don’t do evidence analysis on things like lipstick. That sort of thing is performed by specially trained scientists or techs.There’s a mention later in the show about the M.E. testing gunpowder, too. Nope. Nope. And, nope.

– Castle locates a bullet hole in a wall panel in the office of a murder suspect (yep, another suspect). Beckett looks at the hole and says it’s looks like a .38 caliber round made the hole. No way she could tell this by merely looking at the hole.

Bullet calibers are measured in inches (a .25 caliber bullet is .25 inches, or 1/4 inch in diameter).  For example:

.38 Special diameter = .357 inches

.38 Smith and Wesson = .354-.360

.357 Magnum = .357-.359 inches

.35 Remington = .358 inches

.380 Auto – .355 inches

So you see, a simple eyeballing is not enough to determine what size bullet made a particular hole. The material struck by the bullet would affect the hole size as well. Paper tears, while wood splinters. And so on.

Here’s a test. What caliber bullet made this hole?

See what I mean?

– Again, an attorney sits in on Beckett’s hard-nose interrogation of his client without saying a word. No way. An attorney would never allow this to take place at all. They certainly would not permit the cops to rake their clients over the coals.

– I liked the director’s attempt to show the murderer’s body language when Beckett and Castle confront him with proof that he committed the crime. This is the moment all investigators hope to reach, when the suspect’s eyes begin to tell the story. He begins to touch his face, throat, and ears. His eyes start searching the room. No eye contact with the interviewer. Then, the head drops and he sighs. Maybe a tear falls at this point.

Finally, the connection. He looks into your eyes and says, in a quiet, meek voice, “I did it. I killed Episode 7 with that crappy bus scene.”

*ABC photos

*     *     *

Writers’ Police Academy Updates

Registration is officially open and I’m pleased with the number of people who’re taking advantage of the low early registration rate.

Award winning horror author Deborah Leblanc has signed on as a Medal of Valor sponsor of the Writers’ Police Academy. Other Medal of Valor sponsors include Writers Digest and Just Write Sites. Thanks to each of you for your very generous donations.

A large portion of the Writers’ Police Academy proceeds will be going to the Guilford Technical Community College Criminal Justice Foundation. Without them this event would not be possible. The instructors for this event also devote a heck of a lot of their time to answering questions for writers.

Please contact us if you’d like to be a sponsor.

Levels of Sponsorship

Medal of Valor – $1,000 and above
Commissioner – $500 – $999
Sheriff’s Star – $400 -$499 or Chief’s Shield $400 – $499 (Donor’s option)
Chief of Detectives – $300 – $399
Major – $200 – $299
Captain – $100 – $199
Lieutenant – $75 – $99
Sergeant – $50 – $74
Corporal – $25 – $49
Officer – $10 – $24

Please visit us at www.writerspoliceacademy.com to reserve your spot at this unique event now.

* Space for the FATS training is limited to the first 100 people who sign up for it and we’re rapidly approaching that number!

Remember, hotel rooms are limited due to the number of large events in the Greensboro area. Please reserve your rooms now!

Save