Flip That Crime Scene: CSI, HGTV Style
Cast of Characters:
Detective N. Terrogator
CSI C. Lue
CSI Evie Dense
The Body, as himself
Bill and Betty Victim, the homeowners
- Crime Scene. Single-story ranch home.
Detective N. Terrogator sips coffee. Studies bloody footprints on walkway. Camera pans/follows the prints to the front door where a female officer stands holding a clipboard. She’s chewing gum. Interrogator reminds her to not spit it on the ground. He turns to CSIs Evie Dense and C. Lue.
I think this scene is perfect for you guys. It has the blood and guts you enjoy, Evie. And for you, C. Lue, there’s a wonderful cozy study overlooking the rear garden area, and it is loaded with various types of fingerprints and DNA.
- Terrogator opens the door and the three enter the house. No one inside, other than the star of the show, The Body.
- The Body is seated in a back room, in an arm chair. Obvious bullet wound to the forehead. Camera follows bloody tracks down a hallway and into the room with the body. It zooms closer.
I know, this place is perfect for entertaining. Move that wall and it’s an instant open concept. Much easier for evidence collection, too. And, we could then easily get the body outside through the front door, because the opening in the wall, that excuse for a doorway, is much too small to slip that porker through. He must weigh close to six-hundred pounds.
- Terrogator enters kitchen. Calls Dense and Lou to join him.
Dust everything in here. Bad guys often search kitchens, looking for weapons and, believe it or not, they sometimes have a snack while inside a victim’s home.
Clue turns to Dense
He acts like this is our first flip.
I was flipping crime scenes when he was still writing traffic tickets out on the bypass.
I know what you mean. He’s a real hotshot. Thinks his fingerprint powders don’t stain.
Let’s get busy. We’ve got more scenes waiting to be flipped.
- The two CSIs begin evidence collection, dusting for prints, swabbing for DNA, and taking photos … lots of photos.
- Terrogator questions witnesses.
Did you see the shiplap in the master? It’s to die for.
I know, and the rain shower head. O.M.G.
- Terrogator enters the room with the two CSIs
Looks like we’ve got trouble.
- Lou and Dense look worried.
The wall in the living room is load-bearing. I called in a structural engineer from the state police. I’m afraid it has to stay. We’ll have to move the body out the back door. We’ll get the camera crew and a couple of the demo guys to help.
- Tense music plays while Terrogator calls a construction team to enlarge the backdoor opening.
- Hammering, sawing, and lots of workers moving throughout. Dead body still seated in armchair. Workers pass by, tracking sawdust throughout the house. An electrician takes his lunch break beside The Body. Leaves DNA evidence EVERYWHERE.
Let’s wrap this up, folks. The homeowners are waiting outside. They say the stiff is a stranger so I want them to come in to be sure. But I want you guys to straighten up a bit. No need for them to see all the mess we’ve made. After all, this is the big reveal.
Ext: – Bill and Betty Victim pace nervously on the sidewalk. A large rolling sign prevents them from seeing the house.
I told you we should’ve left the dog here instead of boarding him.
Bill, that mutt is scared of his own tail.
Do I need to remind you that he once bit the mailman so hard he had to go to the ER?
He went to the ER because he tripped over an empty liquor bottle. A bottle you left there when you came home at one-o-freakin’-clock in the morning.
I wouldn’t have to stay out so late if you paid even the slightest bit of attention to me.
Just like you. Make this all about yourself. Well, smarty pants. While you’re out drinking, I’m “entertaining.”
I know, you slut. That’s why I slipped in last night and killed your lover.
Bill, I went out last night with my mother. We went to the movies and then stopped at Rudy’s Fried Pig Ear Palace for a late dinner. I don’t have a clue who was here, or for that matter, who you killed. Bill, you’ve murdered a common burglar, not my lover, Abs O. Steel. Oops, I’ve spilled the beans.
Why, you … you … I ought to divorce you. But, life goes on. Come on, honey. Let’s go see about the dead guy. Not a word to the detective, now. Okay?
Sure, Bill, but about that Mercedes I’ve been wanting …
- Terrogator emerges from the front door. Lue and Dense also come outside and stand beside him. Camera zooms in on their smiling faces.
Victims, are you ready to see your house!!
- The Victims jump up and down and giggle and ooh and ah and clap their hands wildly. They appear oddly goofy but the TV audience will love their phony and giddy scripted stupidity.
C. Lue and Dense pull the two sign sections apart to reveal the home. Terrogator opens the front door wide and uses a hand in a gesture meant to invite the couple inside.
We were hoping for an open concept once you were done, but I love how the furniture’s been moved and damaged. It’s like there’s no rhyme or reason as to where anything’s placed. The overturned pieces look great, too.
And the bloodstains on the walls. I absolutely love how they brighten up the place. Almost looks like a Piccasso painting. And the way someone emptied the contents of the drawers onto the floor. Such an eye for style. I’m impressed.
Oh, wow, Betty. Look at the kitchen. They’ve carried the bloody theme in there as well. And I simply adore the scattering of bone and brain on the ceiling and on the light fixture. Really ties it all together. Just … wow.
- Betty turns to Terrogator
What about the body? Can we keep him? He’s such a great focal point. I’m thinking of arranging the furniture around him, and maybe some accent lighting to showcase the forehead wound.
Betty, I’ll leave those details to you, the funeral director, the medical examiner, and The Body’s immediate family. Right now, the three of us must move on. There are more crime scene flips out there, and it’s up to us to do the flipping.
- The camera follows Terrogator, Lue, and Dense to their vehicles. Terrogator hitches up his pants and climbs into his unmarked car—the other two into a police department van. They drive off into the sunset. The slight sound of chatter from a police radio plays in the background.
15. Scenes from inside the house roll across the screen. The Victim couple stand arm and arm as they gaze longingly and lovingly at the dead body.
I love you, Betty
- Betty lays her head on Bill’s shoulder
I love you, too, Bill Victim.
Attempts at humor don’t always work, but this definitely does. Very clever and well carried out!
I love your posts. The humor is priceless and this was hysterical.
Oh my! I am laughing so hard it is difficult to type. This is PRICELESS!!!!!