Sixteen Signs That You’re A Cop


1. A tourist stops you to ask for directions to any bizarre and out-of-the-way destination and you immediately know the location, the shortest route to it, and every single wacko who lives near it.

2. Your stomach growls while you’re standing in the midst of an extremely gruesome murder scene, so you begin to think of food and your favorite 3 a.m. dining spot. And, it’s Wednesday, meaning you already know the daily specials.

3. At least fives times each week someone says, “I pay your salary, a**hole.”

4. You’ve heard the line, “I only had two beers,” at least a million times.

5. You’re on first name basis with every wino and prostitute in the city, and while on your way to the mall you point them out, by name, to your spouse.

6. You wish you had a dollar for every time someone says, “There are real crooks out there and you’re wasting your time messing with me, you sorry piece of ****.”

7. You’re a bit apprehensive about going to church because there’s only one seat facing the front door, and it’s not available.

8. No matter where you are, your friends always introduce you as a cop. “Hi, Guys. Meet Sammy Squarejaw. He’s a cop.”

9. You find yourself sizing up the largest guy in the room, wondering how long it would take you to get him cuffed.

10. Everybody tells you that someday you should write a book about your experiences on the job.

11. You feel naked without a gun strapped to your side. The feeling is worse when you’re actually naked.

12. You see a jogger zip by your house and you have a sudden urge to chase and tackle him.

13. The urge to pat-down dinner guests at your house is overwhelming, but you resist and settle for watching their hands … all night long.

14. The scent of fresh gun oil is an aphrodisiac.

15. On laundry day your spouse finds loose change, scraps of paper, and a couple of .45 rounds in your pants pockets.

16. While out to dinner at a local restaurant, you ask the server to seat you no closer than twenty-one feet from the nearest person holding a steak knife. Here’s the reason why.