Marvin The Martian Loses Control…And Elvis Returns

Elvis Lives

As police officers, we’re often presented with the opportunity to meet various celebrities and other important people. Sometimes, we’re even placed in the unfortunate position of having to arrest a few of those VIP’s.

For example, I once served as training officer to a rookie who stopped a large, fancy tour bus for speeding, and the officer was quite surprised to see one of his favorite musicians behind the wheel—a very famous musician. The singer/guitarist was quick to announce his identity, as if the verbal identification had been necessary, hoping his fame would be enough to satisfy the appetite of the officer’s squalling radar unit.

The still wet-behind-the-ears officer, totally starstruck, tongue-tied, and rubber-kneed in the presence of the legend of stage and Radioland, immediately knew what he had to do. That’s right, my babbling trainee, with the speed and grace of a wild cheetah, was quick to snag the driver’s autograph, and then send the celebrity and his bus on their way to the next concert on the tour. And, when the officer returned to our patrol car he was grinning from ear to ear, like a mule eating briars.

The rookie officer shoved the signature-clad paper into my hands so I, too, could have a look at his prize. Sure enough, scrawled across the bottom of the traffic summons was the signature of one of the all-time greats of the music world. A golden voice and fancy guitar, though, do not qualify as exemptions to posted speed limits, especially when driving 82mph in a 45mph zone. I’d taught the young officer well.

Of course, I’ve had my own share of encounters with well-known celebrities and other people of fame. Like the man from Mars who insisted his use of a rusty ax to hack his sister-in-law to death was a direct order from his superiors on the red planet.

“You see,” he told me, “she wouldn’t allow the mother ship to return to earth. I had no choice. She’s evil, you know.”

Then there was the time I responded to the call of a man walking in the median between the north and southbound lanes of a major interstate highway. When I finally located the man, I pulled my patrol car off the roadway and approached on foot. He stood waiting for me in the center of the median strip, in the soft light of a near full moon. My gaze was immediately drawn to his sandal-clad feet and long, wavy brown hair fluttering gently in the night breeze. He held out his right hand for me to shake, and, in an unusually soothing and calm voice, introduced himself as…

I must admit, I paused for a second before moving along to serious questions, like, “Do you have any identification?” Of course, when I did ask, he gave me that look. You know the one. The “Seriously, you need to see MY identification?” look. Well, as luck would have it, the guy wasn’t really Jesus after all. Instead, he was a slightly out of tune homeless man from Richmond who actually thought he was Jesus. And to think that I could have been the first in line to meet Him when He returned.

Of course, there was Elvis, whom I had to remove from an elderly lady’s refrigerator once or twice each month so she could watch TV. We all know how annoying it can be when Elvis slips in behind the cheesecake and starts stealing our radio and TV signals.

Things could have been worse, I suppose. At least I never encountered Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, or Charlie Sheen.

Still, if my handcuffs could talk…oh, the stories they could tell…


7 replies
  1. Chief Scott Silverii
    Chief Scott Silverii says:

    Great stories Lee. I’ve come across many people claiming to be someone else. Until NCIC shows an arrest warrant, and then they quickly return to reality. Of course, reality usually had an active arrest warrant too!!

    Thanks for sharing

  2. Sally Carpenter
    Sally Carpenter says:

    Lee, you should pass on these stories to the “Castle” writers (for a fee, of course). I’m sure someone could make a clever/funny episode from these tales. I can just see Beckett trying to question a guy who thinks he’s Jesus.

  3. Jonathan Quist
    Jonathan Quist says:

    Well, Marvin’s sister _had_ stolen the Eludium Pu-38 Explosive Space Modulator!

    Do you suppose her last words were “I’m not mad, just terribly, terribly hurt!” ??

  4. Janis Patterson
    Janis Patterson says:

    So Marvin the Martian hacked his sister-in-law to death with a rusty ax? Obviously we need strict ax-control laws.

    While working in the talent industry I met a lot of famous people and people who thought they were famous people – but never Jesus, faux or otherwise. Pity.

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