Each year on the last day of December, I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.
So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us and she’s confident 2020 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top sixteen predictions. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.
- Escape From San Francisco, the Musical dominates box offices across the country. The blockbuster hit stars Ernest T. Bass as Homeless Harry. During a fabulous breakout song and dance routine at the halfway point of the film, the city’s official “Poop Patrol” performs PBS Kids’ Daniel Tiger’s hit song “Stop and Go Potty.”
- Jeff Bezos purchases the Amazon River.
- The Arctic becomes a tropical resort after HUGE “Abolish ICE” misunderstanding.
- Nasa reveals latest trip to the dark side of the moon was simply a group of scientists sitting in a basement smoking weed and listening to “that” Pink Floyd album.
- The final presidential debate requires that the venue include electrical power for heart monitors, have Depends available in the candidates’ green rooms, a pitcher of chilled Geritol on each podium, and a Life Alert pendant or wristband for each participant.
- Police are replaced by an honor system that requires all criminals to self-arrest at the conclusion of each crime committed.
- Jails and prisons are abolished.
- By mid 2020 authors, weary of writing, will create books simply by thinking them into existence.
- Alexa learns to intercept authors’ “thought books” and sells them online for $.01 each.
- As of January 1st, aisle 4 in all San Francisco grocery stores were designated as “safe pooping” locations. Click this link to see for yourselves.
- Congress passes a bill and then immediately votes to reject it.
- The Senate argues both for and against the above bill.
- U.S. troops raid the offices of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and discover his war planning operation—a game of Battleship along with an old Stratego game in progress. On a side table, in an unopened box, they’ll find the action toy Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
- A writer will have a character smell cordite at a crime scene.
- I will absolutely lose my mind when I see number 12 in a book.
- A BIG announcement is forthcoming. Madam Zelda believes it has something to do with “Reacher.”