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Each year on the last day of December, I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.

So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us and she’s confident 2020 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top sixteen predictions. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.

  1. Escape From San Francisco, the Musical dominates box offices across the country. The blockbuster hit stars Ernest T. Bass as Homeless Harry. During a fabulous breakout song and dance routine at the halfway point of the film, the city’s official “Poop Patrol”  performs PBS Kids’ Daniel Tiger’s hit song “Stop and Go Potty.”
  2. Jeff Bezos purchases the Amazon River.
  3. The Arctic becomes a tropical resort after HUGE “Abolish ICE” misunderstanding.
  4. Nasa reveals latest trip to the dark side of the moon was simply a group of scientists sitting in a basement smoking weed and listening to “that” Pink Floyd album.
  5. The final presidential debate requires that the venue include electrical power for heart monitors, have Depends available in the candidates’ green rooms, a pitcher of chilled Geritol on each podium, and a Life Alert pendant or wristband for each participant.
  6. Police are replaced by an honor system that requires all criminals to self-arrest at the conclusion of each crime committed.
  7. Jails and prisons are abolished.
  8. By mid 2020 authors, weary of writing, will create books simply by thinking them into existence.
  9. Alexa learns to intercept authors’ “thought books” and sells them online for $.01 each.
  10. As of January 1st, aisle 4 in all San Francisco grocery stores were designated as “safe pooping” locations. Click this link to see for yourselves.
  11. Congress passes a bill and then immediately votes to reject it.
  12. The Senate argues both for and against the above bill.
  13. U.S. troops raid the offices of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and discover his war planning operation—a game of Battleship along with an old Stratego game in progress. On a side table, in an unopened box, they’ll find the action toy Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
  14. A writer will have a character smell cordite at a crime scene.
  15. I will absolutely lose my mind when I see number 12 in a book.
  16. A BIG announcement is forthcoming. Madam Zelda believes it has something to do with “Reacher.”

Each year on the last day of December I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.

So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us this morning and she’s confident 2019 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top fourteen predictions. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.

Here goes …

  1. California will enact new law requiring all laws to be law, unless exceptions and exemptions are needed to make the law a bit less lawful to avoid hurting the feelings of criminals.
  2. California police officers will no longer have powers of arrest. Instead, their new duty is to be the punching bags of politicians and criminals, which are often one and the same. Can’t tell them apart …
  3. Due to the large number of people now residing in California, the government will be forced to divide the land mass into two separate states—Regular California and the State of Homelessness.
  4. Since defecating on the streets and public sidewalks in San Francisco is legal, plumbing will be officially banned and become obsolete in California. Roto-Rooter will file for bankruptcy.
  5. San Francisco plumbers will assume lead roles in a newly formed San Francisco Department of Public Crapping, the SFDPC. Some spots will be filled by former Roto-Rooter employees.
  6. A murder will occur in Baltimore, D.C., and Chicago.
  7. Someone will cross the border from Mexico and the U.S. and someone will do the same in the opposite direction.
  8. Politicians will have better health care than the people who elected them into office.
  9. Someone will “sling mud” in an upcoming run for political office.
  10. Straw purchases take on a new meaning in California.
  11. Someone will believe everything they see on social media.
  12. A writer will have a character smell cordite at a crime scene.
  13. I will absolutely lose my mind when I see number 12 in a book.
  14. A BIG announcement is forthcoming. Madam Zelda believes it has something to do with “After Midnight.”