I. B. Steelin: Tips On Preventing Vehicle Break-ins

I.B. Steelin


It’s me, I. B. Steelin, the guy who broke into your car last night. Sorry about having to wear the mask, but I heard a bunch of cops hang out on this site and I can’t risk going back to prison.

Anyway, thanks for leaving so many goodies on the front seat. Caught my eye right away. My kids needed the new iPod, and the wife will absolutely love the purse. Louis Vuitton, right?

Your neighbors were equally as generous. The blue house two doors down … left their car doors unlocked again, so a quick stab at the remote and BINGO, up goes the garage door. What a field day that was … power tools and a small TV (perfect for the kids’ room, by the way). I also took a quick peek inside the house. They’ve got a really sweet flat screen and I’ll definitely be back for it another night.

Across the street … Yep, the people with the BMW. Sunroof was open so I took the gym bag from the back seat. Not much inside but the bag was nice. The best part, though, was what I found in the glove compartment. All sorts of documents containing personal information—social security numbers, addresses, pin numbers, bank statements (I see some new charge accounts opening in the very near future), a letter from the alarm company saying they hated losing BMW’s business and that service could be reinstated for the low, low price of $19.95 per month and, well, let’s just say it was a real smorgasbord. My favorite thing, though, was the key ring … front door key, key to the business downtown, the tool shed, the rear gate…(yep, they were labeled).

There was a blue SUV on the next block. Two boxes in the rear—a microwave and a projector for a home theater. Spotted them from the street while passing by. The owner should’ve taken the time to pull the built-in cover over the cartons. But, easy money for me. Took a rock from the landscaping beside the driveway and those two sweet items were quickly in my greedy little paws. The cards read, Congratulations, Billie! So thank you very much, Billie, for whatever you did that almost earned you a couple of nice, new gifts. Mine now.

Actually, the entire neighborhood was easy-pickings. Lawns not mowed (a sure sign no one had been home for a while), newspapers piled up in the driveway, mailboxes overflowing, windows open, no lights in houses and yards, garage doors up, lawn mowers and bicycles left outside, no curtains on garage and basement windows, and there was even one house with a note pinned to the front door—“Be Back Tomorrow. Please Leave Deliveries In Kitchen. Key Under Mat.” Well, Duh. Loved the cheesecake in the fridge, by the way. And those homemade cookies … to die for. Next time, though, a little less sugar and maybe an alternative to wheat flour. Some of us can’t eat gluten.

Okay, that’s enough for now, but I’ll be back for the rest of your things. Unless, of course, you start using some common sense and lock up, close the sunroof, turn on a light or two, and activate those alarms. Until then, you’re just another number in the nearly two million thefts from vehicles that occur every twelve months. That number is indeed correct and, as a result, my friends and I steal well over a BILLION items from cars each and every year.

So, thank you very much for helping us achieve our personal goals.

And, as Arnold Schwarzenegger famously said, “I’ll be back.”

By the way, don’t bother looking for your collection of Terminator DVD’s. I took them. Kindergarten Cop, too.

Hey, here’s my impression of Schwarzenegger in The Running Man. Love that movie, and thanks to your neighbor I have a copy.


See you soon!

Oh, don’t wait up, I have a key. I made a copy before I slipped yours back under the mat.