Helpful Hints for the Accident-Prone Police Officer

clumsy cops

Have a Nice Trip, See You Next Fall

Yes, police officers look sharp in their neatly pressed and properly-creased uniforms, shiny shoes, and polished hardware. They stand straight and tall. They move with purpose. They’re as steady as a boulder and have nerves of steel. They’re fearless.

Well, most of them.

However …

Did you know there are cops who have two left feet? You know what I mean … clumsy cops. Every department has them—butterfingered badge-wearers, klutzy K-9 handlers, ungraceful undercover officers, lumbering lieutenants, stumbling sergeants, and, well, you get the idea.

Police officers are no different than anyone else. They’re human. They trip. They stumble. They spill and drop things. And they sometimes fall.

So what happens when one of the “bumbling blue” has a slight faux pas while at work?

Shallow Grave Workshop, Writers' Police Academy

Shallow Grave Workshop, Writers’ Police Academy

Let’s dig into this unusual topic and see what we can uncover

Everyone has their own secret weapons for fixing life’s little problems, right? You know what I’m talking about … problems such as removing candle wax from a tablecloth by placing the soiled material in the freezer for a couple of hours, and then … presto! The wax scrapes right off.

Wait! What if the wax dripped onto your brand new carpet? No problem. Simply fill a metal pan with ice cubes and place directly over the wax. Soon, the wax freezes and you’ll be able to whack it a few times with a hammer, breaking the hardened wax into bits and pieces. Pick up the shattered wax and discard.

Okay, I understand the confusion. you want to know what in the world household hints have to do with cops? Well, we already know there are cops who encounter “problems” and must be ready to tackle them on a moments notice.

Secret Weapons for fixing a Cop’s Little problems

A broken name tag

1. You’re on patrol in the “rough” part of town when you roll up on a couple of guys who’re in the midst of a pretty good fist-fight. So you call in your location, asking for backup, and then dive in to separate the two. As always, the little one is as slippery as an eel swimming in a vat of cooking oil, and the big one delivers a jackhammer-like punch with his left hand. Unfortunately, he’s right-handed and the blows coming from that ham-size fist feel like incoming missile strikes. But, you’re a survivor and you somehow manage to get cuffs on both men. Afterward, you’re sitting in your patrol car telling your backup to slow down, you’ve got everything under control (as if they were hurrying), and you notice your name tag is hanging by only one metal clasp.

Badge clasps - fixing cops little problems

So, what do you do? Easy fix. Pencil erasers.

Quick fix for a broken badge...pencil erasers

Tear the eraser from one of the pencils you keep in the console and push it over the end of the pin. It’ll hold the name tag snugly in place until the end of the shift.

Use a Handheld CB Radio

2. You’re parked on the side of the interstate waiting for an approaching pursuit. The last report from the state to your south indicated their officers were headed your way, chasing a silver Honda driven by a murder suspect. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could somehow contact the drivers of those two passing tractor-trailers and ask them to occupy and block both lanes and then slow down to a near crawl? Then the suspect would at least have to hit the breaks for a minute or two, giving the officers time to catch up to him. Well, why don’t you use the handheld CB radio you picked up at the yard sale a few weeks ago. Power it up and give a good ‘ol “Breaker, Breaker, Smokey needs assistance,” shout out. The operators of those eighteen wheelers are normally more than happy to help out the driver of a “plain brown wrapper.” 10-4?

Spare Handcuff Key

Belt Keeper

Belt Keeper

3. There’s nothing worse than being on the losing end of a fight, especially when you’re wearing a police uniform. Well, maybe there is one thing that’s just a wee bit worse than a black eye and bruised ego. And that’s losing a fight and getting handcuffed with your own cuffs! Imagine the teasing that’s headed your way. Can’t let that happen. No way!


You’ve got to get out of the cuffs before your co-workers find you sitting in a dark alley with your hands bound behind your back.

Be prepared, guys.

A little preventive medicine here and you’ll never be caught with your pants down again. Simply duct-tape a spare handcuff key to the inside of your duty belt, where it meets the small of your back. That’s the best spot because you can reach it with either hand. It might take a few minutes to wiggle the key from beneath the tape, but what else have you got to do? By the way, some duty belts have small cuff key pockets fitted into the back of the belts.

Also, a handcuff key could easily attach to a belt keeper.

Belt keepers loop around the duty belt and the belt holding up the officer’s pants.

Without belt keepers the duty belt would easily and quickly fall down to the ankles, especially when running/chasing someone through a dark alley.

Two belt keepers positioned between handcuff cases

Two belt keepers positioned between handcuff cases

Leg Irons for Big Men

4. Don’t you just hate it when you finally get the big man under control and suddenly learn that your cuffs are too small to fit his tree-trunk-size wrists? So what do you do? If you let go he’s going to start pounding on your sore head, again.

Here’s an idea. Send your partner back to the car (while you’re hanging on to the thug like a rodeo clown trying to calm a buckin’ bronco) to retrieve a pair of leg irons, the ones you use for transporting dangerous criminals to court. They’re large enough to hold anyone, including the guy who’s now about to toss you through your own car window if your partner doesn’t hurry.

Double Up On Skinny Minnie

5. And then there’s a guy whose wrists are so small they slip free of the cuffs no matter how tightly you ratchet them. Again, there’s a solution. Hold his arms together behind his back (hands facing opposite directions) and lock one single cuff over both of Skinny-Minnie’s tiny wrists. Then attach the second cuff to the little fellow’s belt or belt loop.

Break out the Spice Rack

6.  At night (stakeouts, etc.), when you need to use light, keep one eye closed to preserve your night vision.

20170307_114521Meat Tenderizer

7. Finally, you’ve just left a particularly gruesome murder scene and notice another pesky blood stain on the sleeve of your uniform shirt. Now what do you do? After all, the department only issued you five shirts and four pair of pants.

First, calm down. Next, simply break out the emergency can of meat tenderizer you keep in the glove compartment and apply a fair amount of it to the stained area.


No, silly. Not that kind of meat tenderizer. This …

Then, with the shirt material properly pounded treated, rush home, using lights and siren, if possible, because time is not a friend in this situation, and immediately toss the garment into the wash. I’m kidding, course, about the use of lights and sirens. They’re for real emergency use only. You know, murders, robberies, and the times when sudden restroom urges hit and you’re three miles from the nearest public facility.

Then kick back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the night. Wait a minute! Is that … yes, it’s a gravy stain on your new pants. Better sprinkle a little artificial sweetener on it to soak up the grease. And isn’t that a red wine stain? Where’s the salt shaker?

Might as well remove the green gunk from the bullets while you’re at it. A little paste made from vinegar, flour, and salt should have the brass shining like new money, all 46 rounds.

Man, are you ever going to be ready for the 0800 inspection …

Hey, hold on! This isn’t our usual inspection. What are you guys up to???

I want my lawyer!!

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