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Nine-One-One, What’s Your Emergency? Wait …You’re Kidding, Right?

So you think you’ve seen and heard it all? Well, think again, because these folks actually picked up the phone and dialed 911 to report …

“Help me, please!”

“Ma’am, calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”

“My house is on fire. I just moved in today and turned on the heat and … and … and, that big metal thing in my living room caught on fire, please huuurrrrryyy! There are flames and  fire, and, and, and … AHHHH!!!! it’s getting hot! Huuurrrryyy!!! Oh, God, oh God, oh God … MY CAT’S GONNA DIE!”

Okay, so I arrive and see the distraught five-foot-tall, three-hundred-pound caller standing there on the front porch with the front door wide open. It’s 20 degrees outside and all she’s wearing is a t-shirt. Nothing but a t-shirt. And she’s crying and screaming and begging me to go inside to rescue her cat, a cat that was trapped inside the inferno.

I saw no flames, no smoke, and, well, nothing. So I stepped inside the small house. The cat was asleep on the sofa.

“See, it’s on fire. Look through that little glass and you can see the flames.”

“Ma’am, that’s your heater. It uses fire to warm your home. It’s perfectly safe.”

That’s when she realized she was wearing nothing “butt” a t-shirt.

I radioed dispatch and told them to cancel the responding fire units. Then I tried to erase from my mind what I’d just seen. It was not a pretty sight.

“I think my house is on fire.”

“You think your house is on fire? Do you see flames or smoke?”

“No, but my wall’s hot. Would you please send someone over to check it out?” Please hurry.

I went to the door, peeked inside through the glass inset, and saw a gentleman sitting on his couch watching Jeopardy.

I knocked.

The door opened quickly and the little man with hoot owl eyes peered out at me. He motioned for me to come inside.

“Thanks for coming officer. My house may be on fire.”

He led me to a fireplace and then placed his hand on the wall just over the center of the mantle.

The wall is hot. See, feel right here.”

“Sir, you have a roaring fire going in the fireplace. Naturally, the wall above it may get a little warm.”

“Thank you, officer. That never occurred to me.”

“Please help me! I’ve been locked inside my bedroom for several hours and can’t get out. I’m getting really hungry, too. And I’m pregnant and I’m really scared. Please help me!”

I broke a glass beside the front door, reached inside and turned the deadbolt latch (See how easy it is for burglars. Use a keyed deadbolt for better security, but remove the key from the lock). Then I opened the front door and went inside. Sure enough, she’s locked inside the master bedroom and she’s crying.

“I think I’m going to lose my baby because I’m so upset.”

More sobbing.

“Ma’am, did you try turning the little button in the center of the knob?”

A beat of silence followed by a faint click.

“I think I have it now. Thank you for coming by.”

“Yeah, um…could you send a cop over here right away, please. I just moved into this apartment and can’t figure out how to turn up the cold water temperature on my kitchen sink. It’s too cold and the landlord won’t help. He just hangs up on me.”

Instead of responding to the residence I used my cellphone to call the gentleman and politely explained that water temperatures are not a true emergency and that cold water temperatures occur naturally. They are what they are because tap water is piped directly from the city. He then proceeded to curse and rant and rave, saying I was a waste of taxpayer money and that I was a huge part of the reason the country was going down the toilet, which, as I explained to the “nice” man, is another place where the water temperature is non-adjustable.

Finally, our once or twice monthly 911 call to the same residence.

 

“You gotta send someone over right away. Elvis is back inside my refrigerator and he won’t stop singing. He keeps up that wild racket all night long.”

And so it goes, night after night after night …

 

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Hungry? Let’s Go Shopping for Possum and Worms and More!

As we face the uncertainties of the current state of the world, without a doubt we’re all feeling the pain of shopping for necessities—toilet tissue, disinfectant, hand sanitizer, food, and wine. The latter (wine) as everyone knows is a must-have item for writers. Without it library and bookstore shelves would soon become as bare as the paper goods aisle at the local Piggly Wiggly.

By the way, it’s illegal in our state to ship alcohol, including wine, to a residence. Therefore, to survive this high level emergency we must choose between an empty wine rack or venture outside the safety of our little compound to visit an essential business establishment. It’s a scary thought, especially after a possible sighting of Tina Turner and Mel Gibson zipping past our house yesterday. I assumed they were headed to Bartertown for the next Thunderdome battle. Even they, a pair used to apocalyptic life, wore hazmat suits, masks, and latex gloves.

Needless to say, since I’m not up on my Thunderdome jousting skills, we’re staying inside.

I wish I could help each of you in your quests to locate a source for hand sanitizer and toilet tissue but, for the well-being of my family I must keep those details a secret. However, I will share information as to how you can stock your pantry shelves with delicious and practically nonperishable canned meats and other sources of protein.

So grab a knife and fork and prepare to salivate.

First up …

Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula

Canned Reindeer Meat, and Gravy

Canned Rattlesnake

Mixed Bugs

Black Forest Scorpions

Worm Bites (mealworms, etc.)

Creamed Possum and Coon Fat Gravy

Six-Pack – Armadillo, Possum, Squirrel, Raccoon, and more!

Alligator in a Can

Duck Legs in a Can

Camel Jerky

Cheddar Cheese Flavored Darkling Worm Larvae

There you have it, the answer to your culinary needs and desires. So order now while supplies last!

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Shop With Cops For All Your Household Needs

Police officers require certain tools and equipment to carry out their day-to-day duties, such as the obvious—patrol vehicles, uniforms, badges, bullet resistant vests, and firearms. But there are other things that make their jobs go more smoothly. Things that help to better organize and maybe provide an additional level of safety. Actually, some of these “things” could also help the average Joe and/or Jane. For example:

Writers often interview people such as experts in various fields such as law enforcement, medical, courts, and even other writers. Therefore, wouldn’t it be nice to have pre-printed “forms” to use to record interview information, instead of showing up with a messy and pre-scribbled legal pad or backs of envelopes that once contained utility bills or late notices from mortgage companies and banks.

Cops often use “Field Interview Notebooks” that feature boxes for dates, times, names, contact information, etc. There’s also an accompanying page for note-taking. These handy little items are perfect for recording interview notes while maintaining an organized, detailed record of the information gathered. Yes, they’d be a great addition to any writer’s toolbox.

 

 
Knives of various types are often carried by police officers. They do so various reasons, such as cutting seatbelt material to free someone who’s trapped inside a vehicle and even cutting through clothing to apply bandage material to a severe wound. These are a couple of the many potential uses. KA-BAR’s 1481 TDI Law Enforcement Serrated Edge Knife is a popular choice. It’s also a desired knife of hunters and even people who simply need or want a decent knife to have handy for whatever that may cutting or whittling. This particular knife is easily clipped to belts of any type, police duty belts, and in the space between both belts.
 

 
Made from machined AIRCRAFT GRADE ALUMINUM for Superior Strength, this special, multi-use pen, or others like it, is carried by officers because of it’s versatility. It’s, of course, a ballpoint pen for writing; however, it’s also a mini-flashlight, a bottle opener, and it’s a GLASS BREAKER.

Having a glass-breaking tool handy could save the lives of people who’re trapped inside crashed vehicles. This includes the life of the person in possession of the pen if they’re the person who’s trapped. A handy tool for both officers and citizens.
 

 
Trunk storage and organization is an issue with any type or make patrol car. In fact, citizens also face the same woes—where to store this and that, all while preventing those and “thems” from rolling to and fro. Therefore, Fortem Car Trunk organizers are wonderful solutions to maintaining proper control of everything from loose ammo and paperwork to exercise equipment and tomatoes.
 

 
Finally, let’s wrap up today’s shopping trip with a gift for your K-9 companions. The ICEFANG Tactical K9 Operation Harness/Working Dog MOLLE Vest is a sporty outfit that’s designed for work and after hours wear. Any dog, on or off duty, would be proud to wear this combination vest/harness when stepping out for a night or day on the town.
 

 

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Ten Excuses That Make Cops Say, “Hmm …”

Any cop will tell you that just when they think they’ve heard it all, well, along comes something else that tops all the rest. For example, here are ten excuses people offered as explanations for why they did the things they did.

All I can say is, “Hmm…”

1. “Why am I driving naked, Officer? Well, first of all, all of my clothes were dirty so I was going to my friend’s house to borrow something to wear to work. And I was speeding because it’s cold and the heat’s not working. Oh, yeah, no seat belt? You noticed that, huh? You see, the material causes my skin to break out. Why do I have a gun on the seat? Isn’t that obvious, sir? I don’t have any pockets available at the moment. Duh. I thought you guys were supposed to be trained observers.”

2. Please don’t give me a ticket. I didn’t slow down for the red light because I just got new brakes on my car—they were expensive, too—and I didn’t want to wear them out so soon. Geez, you being a cop and all, I thought you’d understand that sort of thing. Don’t they teach you about this stuff in the police academy? Common sense. That’s all I’m asking for here.”

3. “I had to steal that stuff, Officer. How else was I going to get enough money to pay my court fees and child support? I certainly didn’t want to go to jail.”

4. “Because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s why I was driving 95 in a 55. You don’t believe me, then look.” The wet spot on her jeans didn’t stop her from getting a ticket, but it did prevent the officer from asking her to have a seat in his car while he wrote it.

5. “I threw a football and it landed on the roof of that hardware store, Officer. Honest. And when I climbed up there to get it I fell through that hole you see. The bag of burglary tools and that saw? I guess they were already up there. Must’ve fallen through when I did.”

6. “It’s not my car. That’s why I was driving so fast. The pedals are different, or something.”

7. “What? No way! I didn’t think you could give me a speeding ticket because I don’t have a driver’s license. Don’t you need to check a law book, or something?”

8. “I must’ve fallen asleep inside the store just before they closed. The safe? No, I wasn’t trying to steal it. The door was locked and I couldn’t leave, so I used it to break out. See, I’m claustrophobic. No way I could stay in that place all night. The money. That’s mine. I had it when I went in the store. Yep, all $2,000. Every penny of it. No, I’m between jobs right now.  No, I don’t have an address. Well, not exactly. Yeah, the Union Mission over on Broad Street. But only until I get a place of my own.”

9. “Yes, I have a doctor’s note, just not with me. Right, it authorizes me to NOT wear a seat belt because it pinches the skin around my nipple rings.” No, he didn’t have the doctor’s note, and yes, he got the ticket.

10. “I was driving that fast, Officer, because I’d had WAY too much to drink and I wanted to get home before I got sick. You wouldn’t want to puke in your car, right?”

And that’s only ten. The list, actually, is practically endless.

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“Hanging Out” With Kat Bungler

Bad guys are often portrayed on TV, and in film, as super intelligent geniuses who’re one step away from ruling the world. They’re savvy and wealthy with a gang of bodyguards and accomplices who are always miles ahead of the law enforcement officers who can never quite seem figure out their next move.

TV crooks are unstoppable until the hero of the story overcomes all obstacles preventing them catching the super bad guys, including fending off advances from the most attractive spies the underworld bosses can send their way. TV heroes, those who’ve managed to make it to the final scenes, dodge bombs and machine-gun fire, and they face hitmen who’re the best martial artists in the world, with the exception of that lone good guy who just happens to know one more secret move than the top bad guy learned during his training.

It’s an action-packed adventure from day one throughout the case until the protagonist finally slaps a gold-plated set of handcuffs around the wrists of their adversaries.

Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but in the real world things are a tad bit different. For example, a “professional” crook I once encountered truly who considered himself to be as sharp as one of the TV-type mastermind criminals. He thought he was invincible and couldn’t be caught.

I was still working patrol at the time when my path crossed with … let’s, for the sake of this article, call him Kat Bungler. I was on my monthlong graveyard shift rotation—midnight to 8 a.m.—and the moon and sun were in the process of changing their own shifts, when dispatch called to report an alarm at a local convenience store. This was not out of the ordinary since many employees of various businesses—stores, banks, etc.—often forget to disable alarms before entering their places of business for the first time of the day.

You, Again?

During the occurrence of these daily and annoying faux pas, what should be moments of urgency very quickly disappear. After dozens of “wolf-crying” incidents at the same places, time and time again, cops have a tendency to roll their eyes and sigh when they hear the calls come in. Still, they have to respond even if all they’ll do is speak with an embarrassed store clerk or bank manager to learn that another “oops” had occurred. After all, you never know when one of those alarm calls is the real thing.

One particular day, though, in the very early morning hours around 5:30 a.m., a dispatcher announced an alarm call. This time she added two very important words to her message—“In-Progress.” She went on to say the caller said the suspect was still inside the business, a convenience store.

No eye-rolling this time. On went the blue lights and a mad race to the store hoping to catch the crook in the act of crookery.

When I and another officers arrived we, of course, surrounded the place. The clerk who’d reported the crime came running toward my car and through an excited mix of jumbled words she managed to tell me the guy was still inside. Well, that’s all I could make of what she said. I asked to take a seat in my patrol car, then a couple of us approached the front doors. As always we had no idea what to expect? Would he start shooting? No one knew. It was a tense situation.

I called to the man, ordering him to come out, and to my surprise he immediately replied with a lot of yelling and shouts for help. So, with guns drawn and aimed forward, we pulled open the door and took a quick peek inside.

It was all I could do to contain a bout of laughter, because what I’d seen was a large squirming man hanging upside down with the upper portion of his body poking down through the ceiling. His lower half, from his waist down up was semi-concealed above, among a tangle of broken drywall, crumpled light fixtures, knots and loops of colored electrical wiring, and dented ductwork. And the guys was practically in tears.

This genius-level mastermind of the criminal world had used a dumpster and a stack of pallets to climb to the roof and used used an ax to chop hole in the surface. Then he tried to climb down into the store. But he lost his footing and slipped, which caused him to fall and tumble through the the buildings mechanics. Then, just as he was about to exit the ceiling headfirst, his feet caught on a series of electrical conduits. He was stuck in that position and remained there for a few hours while struggling to free himself. He couldn’t go up and he couldn’t come down.

When the clerk stepped inside to open up for the day and saw the guy dangling from the ceiling, she screamed. Simultaneously, she told us, the man began to yell and beg and whimper. She left him hanging and ran next door to call the police.

With the assistance of firefighters we pulled the dizzy Kat Bungler to safety, handcuffed him, and then transported him to the hospital for a checkup to make certain he was fit for jail.

Bungler, of course, was found guilty of B&E and destruction of property. His defense was that he climbed on top of the building as part of his daily exercise routine where he unexpectedly fell into a previously-chopped hole. The judge didn’t buy his story.

Later, Mr. Bungler found an attorney to represent him in a lawsuit against the store, claiming they were at fault for his injuries and that the clerk failed to call EMS when he was clearly in pain and was suffering from severe injuries at the time she entered the store. He called us a witnesses in his behalf. Yeah, that went over well. Sure it did.

 

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Madam Zelda’s Top 16 Predictions for 2020

Each year on the last day of December, I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.

So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us and she’s confident 2020 will be fantastic. Here’s a list of her top sixteen predictions. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.

  1. Escape From San Francisco, the Musical dominates box offices across the country. The blockbuster hit stars Ernest T. Bass as Homeless Harry. During a fabulous breakout song and dance routine at the halfway point of the film, the city’s official “Poop Patrol”  performs PBS Kids’ Daniel Tiger’s hit song “Stop and Go Potty.”
  2. Jeff Bezos purchases the Amazon River.
  3. The Arctic becomes a tropical resort after HUGE “Abolish ICE” misunderstanding.
  4. Nasa reveals latest trip to the dark side of the moon was simply a group of scientists sitting in a basement smoking weed and listening to “that” Pink Floyd album.
  5. The final presidential debate requires that the venue include electrical power for heart monitors, have Depends available in the candidates’ green rooms, a pitcher of chilled Geritol on each podium, and a Life Alert pendant or wristband for each participant.
  6. Police are replaced by an honor system that requires all criminals to self-arrest at the conclusion of each crime committed.
  7. Jails and prisons are abolished.
  8. By mid 2020 authors, weary of writing, will create books simply by thinking them into existence.
  9. Alexa learns to intercept authors’ “thought books” and sells them online for $.01 each.
  10. As of January 1st, aisle 4 in all San Francisco grocery stores were designated as “safe pooping” locations. Click this link to see for yourselves.
  11. Congress passes a bill and then immediately votes to reject it.
  12. The Senate argues both for and against the above bill.
  13. U.S. troops raid the offices of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and discover his war planning operation—a game of Battleship along with an old Stratego game in progress. On a side table, in an unopened box, they’ll find the action toy Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
  14. A writer will have a character smell cordite at a crime scene.
  15. I will absolutely lose my mind when I see number 12 in a book.
  16. A BIG announcement is forthcoming. Madam Zelda believes it has something to do with “Reacher.”
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