Each year, as the final days of December reach their end, I travel to a secret location where I meet with my friend Madam Zelda to learn her predictions for the coming year. The mysterious clairvoyant is so good at what she does that she’s rarely, if ever, wrong. The woman is uncanny.

So, in keeping with year-end tradition, Madam Zelda did a reading for us. However, this time her crystal ball showed only predictions relating to the CDC. Here’s a list of those top 20 prognoses. Believe me, she’s always right … sometimes.

  1. The CDC will announce a new COVID recommendation.
  2. The CDC will backtrack on their latest COVID recommendation.
  3. The CDC will recommend a new COVID recommendation.
  4. The CDC will backtrack on their latest COVID recommendation.
  5. The CDC will recommend that the Karate Kid movie franchise replace the saying “Wax on, Wax Off” with “Mask On, Mask Off.”
  6. The CDC will recommend to not run with scissors because it causes your parents to say, “Do I look like I’m made of money?”
  7. The CDC will recommend to eat an apple a day to keep Dr. Fauci away.
  8. The CDC will recommend to take two aspirin because only you can prevent forest fires.
  9. The CDC will recommend to “feed a mole, starve a beaver.” Or something like that.
  10. The CDC will recommend to not hang out with turkeys on Thanksgiving. They believe, for some reason, that turkeys make you tired.
  11. The CDC will recommend that eating carrots will prevent you from going blind from sitting too close to the TV.
  12. The CDC will recommend that you go swimming within an hour after eating spicy foods to prevent getting ulcers caused by eating spicy foods.
  13. The CDC will recommend to not swallow watermelon seeds while pregnant since doing so causes hairy babies.
  14. The CDC will recommend to not drink straight from the milk jug because doing so will cause you to play with matches.
  15. The CDC will recommend that you not go outside with wet hair because doing so causes warts.
  16. The CDC will recommend that you “stop, drop, and roll” before reading a book.
  17. The CDC will announce that you can tune a piano but you can’t eat tuna fish in front of others unless you’re prepared to share.
  18. The CDC will announce that you should always wear a mask while attempting to tune a fish.
  19. The CDC will announce that chewing with your mouth open will cause you to have on dirty underwear when involved in a traffic crash.
  20. The CDC will recommend that you don’t put your foot in your mouth because you know where it’s been.

And, at the last second, this message unexpectedly popped up on the Madam’s crystal ball. “Everyone must attend the LIVE 2022 Writers’ Police Academy on June 2-5, 2022, featuring Robert Dugoni and exciting hands-on classes. Oh, and tell them the 2022 WPA website and class schedule will be live in a couple of days, and that registration opens in February. OMG, this event is at the top of the “THRILLING” scale!

 

www.writerspoliceacademy.com

 

Okay, you’ve written your first, or maybe your thirty-first, shoot-’em-up, cut-’em-up cereal serial killer novel. You’re proud of the book and of all your hard work. After all, your sister’s husband’s best friend’s mother’s uncle who used to be a security guard at the mall says the bad guy in your latest book is so realistic that he makes Gacy and Bundy look like Cub Scouts. Now that’s an expert opinion, for sure!

But, did you do your homework? Are you sure you’ve written the character properly? Or, did you get your information from Dexter reruns?

Before you send the manuscript off to your editor, let’s take a moment to have a quick look at our mini serial killer checklist. You know, just to make certain your details are sound.

Number One – All serial killers absolutely LOVE Jodie Foster …

Oops, wrong list.

Hang on a second … it’s here, somewhere. I saw it just a moment ago…

Messy Desk

Ah, yes. Here we go…

Serial Killer Fact Checker

1. For the most part, serial killers are NOT loners. They don’t hang out in dark alleys hoping a potential victim will soon pass by. In fact, serial killers normally live everyday lives, working steady jobs and hanging out with everyday people.

2. Sex is NOT the only motivator behind serial killings. Greed, anger, money, the thrill of the kill, and wanting attention could all be considered as motivation for serial killings.

3. Serial killers are generally NOT wanderers who travel the highways and byways searching for their victims. Instead, they normally choose to stay within a comfortable region that’s relatively close to the center of their world (home, work, etc.).


4. Serial killers are generally NOT the super-smart geniuses we sometimes see on TV and in film. They’re also NOT always insane as defined by law. Sure, they’re usually psychopathic, but not “Elvis-lives-in-my-refrigerator-behind-the-cheesecake” crazy.

5. Serial killers can and often do stop killing. There’s no serial killer handbook rule stating they must find and kill a new victim every day for the rest of their lives.

6. Not all serial killers are white males.

7. Serial killers, as a rule, do NOT want to get caught. Instead, they become complacent and careless, and sometimes cocky, making it easier to be caught by police.

8. Not all serial killers are alike. There is no standard. Each serial killer has his/her own motivation and personality.

9. Serial killers are NOT limited to any specific race, age group, or gender.

10. Serial killers may have multiple motivations.

Finally, to help with your research

 

 

“A serial killer murders at least two people in distinctly separate incidents, with a psychological rest period between, which could be considered a time of predatory preparation. He, she, or they also choose the murder activity, such as stabbing, strangulation, shooting, or bombing, and may move around to different places or lure successive victims to a single locale. They view victims as objects needed for their ultimate goals, and manifest as addictive quality to their behavior, so that choosing murder is a satisfying act rather than merely a reaction or instrumental goal.”  Dr. Katherine Ramsland


*Jodie Foster image by Alan Light (background removed)


Full details coming soon!

 

 

The Writers’ Police Academy is pleased and excited to announce the 2022 Guest of Honor – International Bestselling author Robert Dugoni!

Robert Dugoni is the critically acclaimed New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post and #1 Amazon bestselling author of the Tracy Crosswhite police series set in Seattle, which has sold more than 8 million books worldwide.

He is also the author of The Charles Jenkins espionage series, the David Sloane legal thriller series, and several stand-alone novels including The 7th Canon, Damage Control, and the literary novels, The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell – Suspense Magazine’s 2018 Book of the Year, for which Dugoni’s narration won an AudioFile Earphones Award and the critically acclaimed, The World Played Chess; as well as the nonfiction exposé The Cyanide Canary, a Washington Post Best Book of the Year. Several of his novels have been optioned for movies and television series.

Dugoni is the recipient of the Nancy Pearl Award for Fiction and a three-time winner of the Friends of Mystery Spotted Owl Award for best novel set in the Pacific Northwest. He has also been a finalist for many other awards including the International Thriller Award, the Harper Lee Prize for Legal Fiction, the Silver Falchion Award for mystery, and the Mystery Writers of America Edgar Award.

Robert Dugoni’s books are sold in more than twenty-five countries and have been translated into more than thirty languages.


2022 Special Guest Speaker – Steven Spingola

Known to his colleagues as “the sleuth with the proof,” Spingola is as an investigator for Cold Justice, a popular Oxygen Channel true crime program. During a 2014 episode in Vigo County, Indiana, Spingola and another investigator obtained a confession in a decades-old cold case. During an intense interrogation, suspect Clint Mackey broke down and stated, “I went back, grabbed the knife and killed her.

Steven Spingola is an investigator with a national reputation for excellence. He is a 2001 graduate of the FBI National Academy, and he holds two master’s degrees. Steven is a death investigation expert, a police-related shooting reconstruction specialist, and is formally trained as a criminal investigative analyst (profiling).

Prior to his retirement as a lieutenant of detectives with the Milwaukee Police Department (MPD), Spingola supervised all major categories of criminal investigations, including stints in the Homicide Unit, Vice Control Division, Sensitive Crimes Unit, and Violent Crimes Division. He further served as the lead investigator for the Critical Incident Unit, a group that probes police related shootings, use-of-force incidents, and other significant events. As a detective, Spingola spent several years conducting death investigations for a homicide unit with one of the highest clearance rates in the country.

Steve has authored several books: Best of the Spingola Files, Volumes 1 & 2; Predators of the Parkway: A Former Homicide Detective Explores the Colonial Parkway Murders and Staggered Paths: Strange Deaths in the Badger State.


2022 Special Guest Speaker – Dr. Katherine Ramsland

Dr. Katherine Ramsland teaches forensic psychology at DeSales University in Pennsylvania, where she is the Assistant Provost. She has appeared on more than 200 crime documentaries and magazine shows, is an executive producer of Murder House Flip, and has consulted for CSI, Bones, and The Alienist. The author of more than 1,500 articles and 69 books, including The Forensic Science of CSI, The Forensic Psychology of Criminal Minds, How to Catch a Killer, The Psychology of Death Investigations, and Confession of a Serial Killer: The Untold Story of Dennis Rader, The BTK Killer, she was co-executive producer for the Wolf Entertainment/A&E documentary based on the years she spent talking with Rader. Dr. Ramsland consults on death investigations, pens a blog for Psychology Today, and is writing a fiction series based on a female forensic psychologist.


* 2022 WPA website is currently under construction—schedule, presenters, classes, registration details, and more are coming very soon. The 2022 event is thrilling, and massive. It’s the largest hands-on event we’ve ever produced!

Attendees earn continuing education credit!

You do not want to miss this event!

June 2-5, 2022

NWTC Public Safety Training Academy – Green Bay, Wi.
Red Lion Hotel Paper Valley – Appleton, Wi.
 (Transportation between locations is provided by the WPA)
Event begins at noon on Thursday at the Fox Cities Exhibition Center in Appleton, Wi., with a huge indoor display of public safety vehicles and equipment for attendees to view and explore. Officers and firefighters will be on hand to explain the functions of these vehicles and equipment used by first responders. Q&A and demo. The stellar Exhibition Center is attached to the official WPA event hotel, Red Lion Hotel Paper Valley (will be a newly remodeled Hilton property at the time of the WPA event).

Fox Cities Exhibition Center

“Help me!

Please, help me.”

“He’s got my kids … and …

Oh, God … He’s got a gun!

Hel …” BOOM!

 

Silence.

 

“All units. Hostage situation.

212 Shady Lane.

Weapons involved.

Shots fired.

Repeat, shots fired.”

 

Three cars.

High speed parade.

Blue lights.

Sirens.

Engines roaring.

 

Light poles,

Mailboxes,

Farms,

Barns,

All a blur.

 

Sun, dipping behind tree line.

Shadows, stretched across cracked pavement.

Sharp, hairpin curves.

Tires, squealing and squalling,

Gripping asphalt with all their might.

 

Then … there,

That’s the driveway.

Rusted tractor-shaped mailbox,

Atop dented and crooked metal pole.

Weeds, and a single, lonely daffodil.

 

Long path.

Two dirt ruts split a sea of gangly weeds and wildflowers.

Single file.

Lights off.

Sirens off.

 

Dust clouds bloom in our wake.

Insects take flight,

Spattering windshields.

A rabbit scurries off,

To the right.

 

House.

Tin roof.

Gangly three-legged dog

A rooster.

Dread and despair

 

Stop.

Engines off.

Weapons drawn.

Breezes, pushing and pulling dry, brittle grasses.

Me to the right.

 

Another to the left.

One in the middle.

Far away thunder.

Dark clouds, roiling and boiling.

Trees swaying, gently.

 

Leaves flutter, dance, and turn belly up.

Scattered raindrops,

Tip-tapping.

First one, then another and another.

Tap, tap, tap.

 

Crack!

Crash!

Glass shatters.

A scream.

“No!”

 

Front porch.

Door opens.

Three pistols aim.

Small boy.

Red hair, freckles.

 

Ragged shirt.

Dirty jeans.

No shoes.

Twelve-years-old?

Crying, running.

 

“My daddy’s got my sister … and my Mama!”

“And he’s got a gun.”

Shivering.

Tears.

Pitiful.

 

Call for backup?

SWAT?

Dogs?

BOOM!

Screaming.

 

Wood splintering.

Thuds and thumps.

Struggle. Fighting.

BOOM!

No time.

 

Prepare to enter.

“Please don’t shoot my Daddy …”

Door opens.

Man, wild-eyed.

No shirt.

 

Grungy, faded jeans.

Work boots.

Shotgun.

Three voices.

In unison.

 

“Put down the gun! Put it down, now!”

Shotgun waving.

Finger inside trigger guard.

Three pistols pointed.

Shotgun to chin.

 

Turns toward doorway.

It’s now or never.

I, sneaking to side.

“I’ll kill myself!”

Closer.

 

One pleading. Begging. “Put down the gun.”

“I’m not going to jail!”

Woman crying. “Please, no …”

Sobbing.

Children, crying.

 

“No, Daddy. Please, no.”

Closer.

“Nothing to live for.”

Still closer.

“I want to die.”

 

Muscles,

Taut.

Scarred knuckles.

Five white islands,

On sun-browned flesh.

 

Tendons push against skin,

Trying to erupt from hands.

Veins, like bloodworms,

Draped across sinewy arms.

A working man.

 

Lips quiver.

“Go away.”

At doorway,

Woman and young girl.

“I’m taking them with me.”

 

Now!

Tackle.

Fighting.

Struggle for weapon.

Super strong.

 

Alcohol.

Eyes, glassy.

Pupils, tiny.

Cursing.

Spitting.

 

Biting.

So powerful.

Shirt torn.

Elbow bleeding.

Got him!

 

Handcuffs click.

Growl—raspy, vicious, feral.

Thrashing.

Screaming.

Jail.

 

Methamphetamine.

Suicidal.

Mother, drug addiction.

Child Protective Services.

Children—foster homes.

 

Family … destroyed.

 

Meth …


Sadly, this is a true story, and one I will never forget.

What Homicide Investigators should do

There are nearly as many different ways to approach and investigate a crime scene as there are officers standing in line each morning at coffee and/or donut establishments. I suspect their orders—chocolate-covered, glazed, bear claw, etc.—are as diverse as their personalities and the ways they approach the job. But, despite the menagerie of varying quirks and thought processes, there are things that should be done at all murder scenes. For example …

Document the findings at the crime scene:

1. Record the air temperature at the scene (ambient air).

2. Document body temperature of the deceased, if the medical examiner is not on scene. Document description—cold, warm, frozen, etc. To the touch, only. Cops do not insert thermometers into any portion of a human body.

3. Document livor mortis—was livor mortis present, and at what stage? Was it fixed? Was body position consistent with the stage of livor mortis? Did someone move the body?

4. Document rigor mortis—what stage of rigor? Was the rigor consistent with the crime scene? Did someone move the body?

5. Note the degree of decomposition—skeletonization, putrefaction, mummification, etc.

6. Document animal activity—was the body in any way altered by animals?

7. Photograph the body exactly as it was found. Also, the ground beneath the body should be photographed once the body has been removed

8. Document victim’s physical characteristics—description of the body, including scars, marks, tattoos, clothing, jewelry, and obvious wounds).

9. Make note of the type of on-scene emergency medical care, or the lack of treatment.

10. Document the presence of body fluids and where they’re found (mouth, nose, beneath the body, etc.). Also note if there’s no indication of body fluids.

11. Bag the victim’s hands (and bare feet) in clean, unused paper bags.

12. Collect or arrange for the collection of trace and other evidence.

13. Determine the need for alternate light sources and other specialized equipment.

14. Photograph the victim’s face for future identification purposes.

15. Make note of the presence of insects. Photograph and collect samples of each.

16. Protect the body from further injury and/or contamination.

17. Supervise the placement of the body into a body bag, and install the proper seal/securing.

18. Ensure the proper removal and transportation of the body.

19. Who, What, Where, How, and When – Who discovered the body? Who was present when the body was discovered? Where was the body discovered? How was the victim killed? When was the body discovered? Who witnessed the murder? Etc. Document everything, no matter how insignificant it sounds at the time.

20. Document EMS records/activity. Obtain a copy of the EMS call sheet/report, if possible.

21. Document witness statements. What they observed, the victim’s actions prior to death, killer’s description, etc.

22. Note medical examiner’s comments.

23. Obtain written witness statements, if possible, and contact information.

24. Document the names and contact information of everyone present at the scene, including officers, EMS, medical examiner, firefighters, press, etc.

25. Be certain that all evidence has been recovered before releasing the scene.

 

No doubt about it, police officers have a dangerous job. Sure, their training teaches them many ways to stay safe, but time passes and officers develop their own routines. Unfortunately, the “it won’t happen to me” mindset often tags along with a “routine.” As a result, well, sometimes unfortunate things happen when an officer lets down his guard and/or ignores his training.

No two calls are exactly the same. Events unfold differently. No two suspects act in the exact same manner. No two houses or businesses are exactly the same (layouts and furnishings differ). Vehicles and their occupants differ. Even the people with whom officers interact with on a daily basis behave differently from one day to the next—moods change, life events affect disposition, etc.

Cases and scenarios are never exactly like those taught and practiced in the academy. And, well, you get the idea—officers must be able to react appropriately to every single situation, even when they change course every few minutes or even as quickly as a fraction of a second.

So, using what they’ve been taught, combined with a handful of common sense, state, federal, and local law, and a boat load of department rules and regulations, officers go about their daily business of keeping people safe while enforcing the laws of their communities and states. Easy money, right?

After all, what could possibly go wrong if officers follow rules and the procedures they learned during training? Well … there is a slight problem. You see, police officers are human. I know, that’s a bit of eye-opening news. But it’s true. Let’s all say it together. POLICE OFFICERS ARE HUMAN. And what is it that humans do on occasion? That’s right. They make mistakes from time to time. We all do.

The problem with a police officer making a mistake, even a slight one, is that his error could result in the loss of a life, including their own. Think about that for a minute. We make a mistake like … oh, let’s say we slipped up and left a grocery bag on top of the car and then drove off spilling prune juice, Preparation H, and a couple of boxes of Depends along the way home. What’s the worst that could happen other than our neighbors learning about our pesky bowel troubles?

Police officers, however, make one little mistake, such as forgetting to load their gun after cleaning it, and the next thing they know they’re in a one-sided shootout.

So let’s explore a few things cops should NOT do. Here’s a list of ten.

1. When accepting a prisoner/suspect from another officer, NEVER assume the other officer conducted a thorough search. Always, Always, Always search every suspect before placing them inside your patrol vehicle, even if it was your captain or your training officer who delivered the prisoner to you.

2. Never assume a suspect is compliant, even if they seem meek and mild at the time of arrest. You never know what will set them off. Handcuff every suspect/arrestee, with hands behind the back, before placing them in your car.

3. Never give up during a fight. Remember, you WILL survive and you WILL win. No exceptions, even when the bad guy is bigger, meaner, and stronger … and green.

20161207_102233

4. Never lose your temper. Remaining calm allows an officer to think through the situation. Knee-jerk reactions often occur during moments of anger, and knee-jerk reactions are not always, if ever, the appropriate response to the immediate situation. Be cool and your training and common sense will tell you what to do next.

5. Never allow anyone to invade your personal space. Keep them (especially criminal suspects) at least an arm length or more away from you. Any closer and you’ll not be able to react properly should an attack occur.

6. Never hold your flashlight in your “gun hand.” Doing so would prevent you from drawing your weapon should you need it in a hurry.

7. When knocking on a door, never stand directly in front of it. Doors do not stop bullets (the same is so for drywall, plywood, etc.).

20161207_102125

8. Do not allow emergency situations to cloud your judgement and thoughts. This includes when at the local jail or other places where you’ve secured your weapon inside a lockbox while processing a suspect. There’s nothing worse than arriving at the scene of an intense shootout where you suddenly realize that you’ve left your gun at the county jail. As they say, been there done that, and I’ll never forget it. I was at the county jail booking a prisoner I’d arrested when an “officer needs assistance call” came spewing from my portable radio. A deputy had stopped a car driven by a wanted armed robber. I turned the prisoner over to the jail officers and rushed out to my car to head to the scene.

When I arrived I hopped out of my car and reached for my sidearm before we approached the vehicle. That’s when I realized that I’d I’d allowed adrenaline to overcome my thoughts and, well,  I’d left my gun in the lockbox at the jail. At that moment, the key to the lockbox in my pocket felt as if it then weighed a ton. Fortunately, though, I had a shotgun in the trunk of my car. Otherwise, I was completely useless to my fellow officer. By the way, “gun in the lockbox” faux pas happens quite bit.

9. Always use enough force to overcome a suspect’s resistance, but never use a level of force that’s unreasonable or too great as to cause unnecessary pain or injury. If a few strong words is enough to convince a suspect to allow an officer to apply restraints, then that’s all the force that should be used by the officer. However, if the subject is punching, head-butting, kicking, biting, scratching, and attempting to rip the officer’s gun from its holster while shouting “Ima kill you if I can get this gun,” then it’s time to use whatever force is necessary to stay alive. Remember, these situations can often erupt in a split second; therefore, there’s not time to stop and formulate a plan of action before reacting to the situation. It’s sometimes easy to overreact, which is why it’s so important for officers to receive regular training. But, with department budget and staffing shortages, extra training these days is often a luxury that’s not available in many areas.

10. Never, under any circumstance, give up/surrender your weapon. That’s NEVER, as in NEVER.


The sleepy and exhausted detective in the top photo is fingerprinting a suspect at 3:00 a.m. He’d worked around the clock the previous day to gather enough evidence to obtain a search warrant for a private residence. He and an entry team served the warrant around midnight the following night when the detective arrested the man for possessing and selling large quantities of cocaine. Do you see anything that’s wrong and/or absolutely unsafe?

How about safety rule #11 …

 

What’s so interesting about microbiology? Microorganisms were here before man walked the Earth, and they’ll be here after we’re gone. Actually, you would find it difficult to survive without them. Some bacteria, called commensals, live in and on our bodies to our benefit, protecting  us from invading pathogens (disease causing germs), and they produce vitamins.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are the bad bugs. They’re responsible for more deaths than cancer, heart attacks, and war. They can disfigure, eat flesh, paralyze, or just make you feel so bad you wish you were dead.

There are four major types of microorganisms: bacteria, viruses, fungi, and parasites. They can cause damage directly, or they can release toxins that do the dirty work for them.

CDC image


CDC image

 


 

CDC image


CDC image


So, how can your villains use microorganisms to kill? First they’ll need a fundamental knowledge of microbiology, such as information that’s taught in a basic college course. Next, the bad guy will need a source of bacteria. Microbiology labs all over the world contain bugs of all types.

Labs of this type are secure so a little B & E would be in order. Or, maybe your villain has a connection with a person who has control of the bug of interest. If so, the evil-doer could make what’s known in the trade as a V.I.P. trip. He’d fly to the friend’s lab, place the bug in a plastic vial, hide the vial in his pocket (V.I.P.), and get back on the plane for the trip home.

Once the potential killer has the bug, he has to keep it alive and reproducing. Bacteria are grown on agar plates (food for bugs) in an incubator. In general, bacteria double in number every 20 minutes. So, if you start with just a few bugs, let’s say 10, and allow them to grow overnight…well, you do the math. Once the bad guy has enough of the bug, then it’s time to deliver it to the intended victim.

Picking up bacteria from agar plate. The brownish-red material is the agar. The grayish coloring at the top of the agar is E.coli bacteria.

Now for a true story. It wasn’t murder, just an unfortunate accident that involved a woman, some green beans, and a home canning jar. Canning jars have lids designed to exhibit a slight indentation in their centers when food is fresh. If the indentation inverts (pops up), the vegetables may be contaminated, and should be discarded.

A woman was preparing dinner for her family and decided to serve some of her home-canned green beans that evening. She picked up a jar of beans, but thought the pop-up didn’t look quite right. So, to satisfy her curiosity, she opened the jar, touched her finger to the bean juice, and tasted it. It tasted fine to her, so she cooked the beans and served the steaming hot dish to her family. The next day the woman died, but her family survived. The beans contained botulism toxin produced by the bacteria, Clostridium botulinum. C. botulinum lives naturally in the soil.

Botulism toxin is one of the most powerful neurotoxins known to man. About 10 ounces could kill everyone on Earth. It works by paralyzing its victim. Why didn’t the other members of the family die? The toxin is inactivated by heat.


Dr. Denene Lofland received her PhD degree in pathology from the Medical College of Virginia, and she’s a trained clinical microbiologist. She has served as the Director of Clinical Laboratory Sciences at Wright State University, and has worked in biotech/drug research and development for many years.

As a biotech director she and her team developed and received FDA approvals of the drugs gemifloxacin (Factive), an antibiotic for the treatment of bacterial pneumonia, and Cayston, an inhaled antibiotic for cystic fibrosis. Both medications have been prescribed by physicians worldwide.

As Manager of Operations for a company that specialized in high-level anti-bioterrorism research and development, Denene supervised several projects,  including government-sponsored research for the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency (DARPA), which required her to maintain a secret security clearance.

Denene has published numerous articles in scientific and other peer-reviewed journals. She contributed to the thirteenth edition of Bailey and Scott’s Diagnostic Microbiology, and she’s a contributing author of the Textbook of Diagnostic Microbiology (Elsevier 2022).

She was recently named a Fellow of the Association of Clinical Scientists, an elite association of top scientists from around the world that includes pathologists, clinical chemists, molecular and cell biologists, microbiologists, immunologists, hematologists, cytogeneticists, toxicologists, pharmacokineticists, clinicians, cancer researchers and other doctoral scientists who are experts in laboratory methods for the elucidation, diagnosis, and treatment of human diseases.

Denene is the former director of Microbiology and Immunology at Drexel University College of Medicine.

Drunk Drivers at the 2013 Writers' Police Academy

Graveyard Shift—those long and often mind-numbing hours between midnight and the time your relief signs on to take over your beat. It’s boring. It’s exciting. It’s sleep-depriving. It’s eye-opening. It’s getting dressed while your significant other is undressing, putting on pajamas, and crawling between the sheets for a good night’s sleep. The kids, of course, are already in the midst of sweet-dreaming. The family dog is curled up on your side of the bed, snoring.

Speaking of getting dressed … it’s a daily ritual for cops, of course—shower, shave, if appropriate, slip on underwear and t-shirt—rookies will quickly learn that it’s best to put on their socks at this point. You’ll see why in a moment.

Next comes the vest. You’ve left the upper Velcro straps in place to allow you to slip the entire contraption over your head like a 7 lb. sweater. So over the head it goes, followed by pulling the side straps taut and securing them in place. Of course, you never get it right the first time, so you riiiiipp the Velcro loose and do it again and again until the fit is just right.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Front and rear vest panels. The top two straps on the rear panel are often left attached to the front panel to allow slipping the entire vest over the head like a sweater, or t-shirt. The material at the bottom of each panel is tucked into the pants like a shirt tail. Obviously, the front panel (with the “U” shaped cutout) is for the “convenience” of male wearers during a trip to the restroom. Use your imaginations.

The shirt is a process all to itself—pinning on the badge and other shiny do-dads in their appropriate places (sort of like decorating a polyester Christmas tree), and inserting a couple of ink pens in the sewn-in pen slot beside the breast pocket. After a quick check to be sure your name tag is not upside down, you slip on the pre-adorned shirt, pulling and twisting to make it lay properly over the vest.

Time for the pants. Out of necessity, you’ve placed them in a spot that doesn’t doesn’t require bending too far, because the semi-stiff, claylike density of the vest has already limited your movements just a bit, which is why it’s best to slip on the socks before strapping the vest in place. Now, tuck the tails of the vest inside the waistband of the pants and slip a dress belt through the loops so your pants won’t fall down. Goodness knows, once you’re fully dressed it requires a huge effort to reach ALL the way to your ankles to pull your pants up again.

Shoes … They’re shiny and squeaky clean because that’s how you roll. Look sharp. Act sharp. Be sharp. One last, quick swipe with a cloth just in case a speck of dust has landed on the toes.

Now comes the duty belt/utility belt, with all it’s bells and whistles already in place.

Securely connect the buckle hooks/clasps/snaps and then loop a few belt keepers around the duty belt and the belt holding up your pants. The last step is IMPORTANT. 

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Belt keeper

Belt keepers hold the gun belt securely at the waist, preventing it from sliding around the waist and down toward the ground. Without them officers would resemble gunslingers of the Wild West, with their sidearms hanging loosely at mid-thigh. Even worse, the duty belt could easily and quickly fall down to your ankles, especially when running/chasing someone through a dark alley. And we already know how the vest makes it difficult it is to reach all the way to the ground.

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Two belt keepers positioned between handcuff cases

Okay, you’re dressed. Now it’s time to go to work, and by now everyone in the house is already asleep. So you tip-toe to the back door, with leather squeaking, keys jingling, and Velcro crackling all the way.

Outside, the neighborhood is graveyard still. An owl hoots, crickets chirp, and a train whistle sounds off in the distance. The only light on in the entire neighborhood is across the street—a bedroom window where you know the widow Jones is peeking outside. Tomorrow morning she’ll be there again so she can report to the rest of the neighborhood what time you went to work and what time you returned home. After all, they pay your salary, and Mrs. Jones is not shy about reminding you of the fact that they do.

Time to get into your take-home car. You unlock the door, open it quietly, and then gently slide into the seat. I say gently, because if there’s even a tiny bit of love handle at your waist, that soft, doughy flesh will be severely pinched between the bottom edge of the Kevlar vest and the top edge of the duty belt—a real eye-opening, tear-inducing way to start the shift.

Elephant Butts

Thirty minutes later, at your first call of the night, you find yourself rolling around in the smelliest mud you’ve ever encountered, trying to handcuff two burglars who’d decided to lead you on a foot chase through the fairgrounds where, by the way, you realized the circus is in town and that what you’re rolling around in is not mud. Instead, it’s what elephants, horses, and other animals left behind while waiting for their time under the big top.

And so it goes…night after night after night.

Look sharp. Act sharp. Be sharp.

Yeah, right…


  • Top photo – Writers’ Police Academy nighttime traffic stops