Three Dangerous Desperados Are on the Lamb…and a pig story

Three dangerous desperados are on the lamb

Yesterday, while glancing through the never-ending offerings of news headlines, I ran across a real gem. This one, from one of our local papers, stood out from the typical attention-grabbing click-baits, such as:

Flesh-Color-Hating Trump Skins His Own Body in Bizarre Campaign Move

Hillary Laughs Hysterically While Discussing War, Violent Death, and Bill’s New Victoria Secret Undies

Cops Shoot Other Cops Until They Are No More

White Privilege Cause of Sun Setting Earlier in Winter

Black Lives Matter Movement Finally End Police Woes by Destroying All Donut Shops

Radical Islamic Terrorist Elected as U.S. President, Blows Up White House on First Day in Office

Classrooms Off-Limits for College Students: Entire Campuses Declared as Safe Spaces

U.S. Population Mandated to Apologize for Every Word Ever Spoken

President Announces New Czar of Political Correctness

Obama Sells U.S. to Iran

Police to No Longer Carry Guns, Drive Cars, Walk, Talk, or Breathe

…yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, the headline that caught my eye was one from a local paper here in California, the Napa Valley Register. And, for your reading entertainment, here it is.

“Napa Police Report Foiling a Bike Heist, with 2 Suspects in Custody and 3 Still on the Lamb.”

Now, I’m no rocket scientist but I believe the reporter meant “lam,” not “lamb.” Unless, of course, the three who got away are currently clippity-clopping off into the sunset while seated on the back of a small and very tired young sheep.

So, the “lamb” headline brought to mind a case I once worked that involved a couple of thieves and a few pigs. Some of you have already seen this, but I thought in light of the “lamb” tale (get it? tale/tail…) today would be a good time to re-post the story I call “Takin’ Bacon.”

By the way, Takin’ Bacon, is a true story . . . really, it is.

Crime-solving is not always as easy as television would have us believe. Sometimes police officers really have to work hard to get to the bottom of a particularly complex case. In doing so, cops use a variety of means to crack each of their cases, and one really unusual series of events comes to mind when I think about odd crime-solving techniques.

As most of you know, I was a police detective for many years and part of my job was to solve major crimes, such as murder, rape, and robbery. Sure, I paid my dues early in my career by writing tickets and directing traffic, but my real passion was the puzzle-solving that’s associated with tracking down a murderer.

Before most detectives are allowed to investigate the more serious crimes, though, they’re normally assigned to easier-to-solve, less intricate cases, such as bad checks and stolen tricycles. One of my introductory cases was unusual to say the least. My boss, a gruff and tough-as-rusty-nails sheriff, dispatched me to get to the bottom of a rash of stolen hogs. No, not the cool and expensive motorcycles. These were real pigs, as in walking pork chops.

Yes, someone was stealing live four- or five-hundred pound porkers directly from a farmer’s hog farm, and they were taking at least one or two each weekend. The pigs (hundreds of them) were kept in many buildings on the large farm, so my partner and I thought the best way to nab these guys was to wait inside one of the elaborate hog parlors until the criminals arrived to do their dirty deed. Our plan was simple. When the crooks entered the building we would jump up, turn on the lights, and nab the rustlers in the act of felony pig-napping.

So Friday came, and just before dark we entered one of the hog shelters and sat down on a couple of upside-down buckets a to wait. I soon discovered that the stench of pig feces and other foul goodies were overwhelming. I also learned that pigs are sneaky, and they have very cold and very wet noses.

We’d been hanging out for nearly two hours when we finally heard someone open a door and come inside. My partner and I both drew our weapons and waited, allowing the thieves enough time to begin the act of stealing. We wanted to catch them with ham hocks in hand.

There was a period of time where we heard two voices, but they were muffled by the sound of low pig grunts and oinks. We figured they were being selective, choosing just the right pigs to bring them the most money at the market. Then, a bright light flashed. Then another flash, followed by another and another. I realized, detective material that I was, that the bad guys were taking pictures. Confused by their actions, but anxious to catch the guys, we couldn’t stand it any longer. We jumped up, aimed our Beretta 9mms in the general direction of the thugs, and switched on the lights.

I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw that one of the young men was standing directly behind a female pig (a sow, as they’re properly addressed) with his pants down around his ankles.

I was even more shocked when I realized he was actually having sex with a big, fat, female pig, and his buddy was taking pictures of him while he did it. Our sudden presence obviously caught the two off-guard and they both stopped what they were doing, in mid-action, and looked toward us. Each man had the same deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression.

(Not the actual suspect)

(Not the actual victim)

We immediately placed the two crooks under arrest and took them to the sheriff’s office for processing (that’s “booking” to laypeople.) During my questioning of the guy who’d been literally caught with his pants down, the embarrassed animal lover confessed to stealing over one-hundred pigs from several different farms over the past few weeks, and that they’d taken their “booty” to hog markets and sold them for a nice profit.

At the end of his confession, the pig-stealer shook his head and asked how we found out they were going to be there that night. He added that they’d been extremely careful not to leave behind an evidence trail of any kind.

I smiled because the perfect answer crept forward from that goofy spot in my head. I looked at the guy and said, “How did we know?  It’s simple, the pigs squealed on you.”

He just shook his head slowly from side-to-side. After all, what could he have said to justify his little affair with Petunia?

I really should mention that the thief was married, and he wasn’t practicing safe sex with his porcine partner, if you know what I mean. So, if you’re ever having a bad day, just be really thankful that you’re not married to this guy. Unless you don’t mind that he’s literally bringing home the bacon.

By the way, I learned that the purpose of the pig pornography (each man photographed the other having sex with a pig) was insurance so that neither of the two men would tell on the other. If so, they’d face having the photograph sent to family members. What I didn’t understand was why they felt the need to have a barnyard affair each time they stole a pig. Wouldn’t one photo be enough?

I do hope you’ll think of this curly little “tale” as you’re tossing the next pork chops on the grill. Bon appétit!

 

/by

Flowers Not in the Attic

Flowers not in the attic

Our backyard is home to quite a few birds—ringneck doves, mourning doves, finches, jays, numerous hummingbirds, a mocking bird, robins, a covey of quail (14 of them to be exact), a murder of crows, and sometimes turkeys and ducks.

We feed the smaller of the winged critters and as a result we reap the benefit of bird-watching without having to leave the property. But with so many of our feathered friends frolicking around comes danger…a feral cat of gargantuan size. Therefore I spend some time watching for the beast and subsequently chasing it away when it slinks into the yard.

When I’m not available Investigator G. Nome goes on high alert to handle the cat patrol for me, and he’s able to go places where my size simply will not allow. Anyway, I tagged along with him yesterday while he made his rounds. This is what I saw as we walked his beat.

20151204_154244

20151204_151849

20151204_151922

20151204_152053

20151204_152306

20151204_153914

20151204_152504

20151204_152434

20151204_151940

20151204_154046

20151204_152321

20151204_152422

20151204_152954

20151204_152350

20151204_153317

20151204_152359

20151204_152024

20151204_153240

20151204_153129

And, after a long, grueling day of patrol while contemplating life’s worries, struggles, violence, and hatred, sometimes you’ve just got to take time to…well, you know.

Because tomorrow’s another day that’s worth facing. Besides, how would the birds survive without us to care for them? So on we go…

20151204_153808

 

/by

Friday’s Heroes: Remembering the Fallen

Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

police-officer-garrett-swasey

Officer Garrett Preston Russell Swasey, 44

University of Colorado at Colorado Springs

November 27, 2015 – Officer Garrett Swasey was shot and killed after responding to an active shooter situation at a Planned Parenthood medical facility in Colorado Springs.

Officer Swasey is survived by his wife, son, and daughter.

12308530_553236298161118_267116646116254695_n

Officer Lloyd E. Reed, Jr. 54

St. Clair Township Pennsylvania Police Department

November 28, 2015 – Officer Lloyd Reed, Jr. was shot and killed as he arrived at the scene of a domestic disturbance. Before succumbing to his wounds Officer Reed managed to return fire, wounding the suspect.

Officer Reed is survived by his wife.

/by

The 10 Most Common Holiday Crimes

The ten most common holiday crimes

 

  1. Identity theft

    Identity theft is a risk for virtually everyone during the holidays. Thieves are online and offline, waiting to steal your personal information, credit card number, and Social Security number, and use it to commit crimes. Thieves can steal your identity in various ways, such as skimming, phishing, pretexting, and old-fashioned stealing. As common as identity theft is during the holidays, there are many ways to protect yourself and your finances from being compromised, such as reviewing your monthly statements, balancing your checkbook, reviewing your credit reports, and securing your personal information.

  2. Shoplifting

    Shoplifting is one of the most common crimes committed during the holidays. With shopping at an all-time high during Christmas, shoplifters have more opportunities to take advantage of the large crowds and distracted workers. According to Adweek, one in every 11 people engages in shoplifting and with the recession still in full swing, that number could be much higher.

  3. Robbery

    The holidays are a hot time for robberies because of the increased cash volume and the distractions of crowds. Robbers are well aware of the fact that people carry more money on them during the holidays and they will go to great lengths to try to steal from people on the street, in parking lots, and other public places. People have turned to crime to solve their financial problems and see robbery as one of the quickest ways to do that.

  4. Drunk driving

    The holidays are a time for fun and celebration, but they are unfortunately one of most dangerous times to be on the road. Drunk driving is extremely common this time of year and fatalities related to alcohol-impaired driving has risen since 2005. In December 2008, 520 people died from alcohol- or drug-related crashes.

  5. Vehicle theft

    Vehicle burglaries are a problem all year long, but it is far worse around the holidays. Thieves know that shoppers leave expensive gifts in the car and that they could be gone for hours. It doesn’t take much for criminals to see what’s inside your car and figure out a way to steal your valuables. The good news is drivers can prevent auto burglaries by taking some simple, but effective preventative steps, such as locking the doors, hiding your valuables, and taking the keys with you.

  6. Rape and sexual assault

    Reports of rape and sexual assault have increased around Christmastime. This is most likely due to the increase of parties and alcohol consumption that takes place during this time of year. Women who engage in heavy drinking have a greater risk of becoming a victim of rape or sexual assault. When alcohol or drugs are involved, people’s judgment becomes impaired and they may find themselves in more dangerous situations than when they are sober.

  7. Home burglary

    Home burglary is a concern any time of the year, but it’s especially bad during the holidays. Burglars tend to break into homes that are easy to access and they usually steal items that they can quickly and inconspicuously carry, such as laptops, electronics, jewelry, and cash. The risk of being burglarized is always there, but homeowners can take effective measures to protect their house and belongings.

  8. Counterfeiting

    Every year, unsuspecting shoppers get duped into buying counterfeit merchandise that they think are genuine. Counterfeiters profit from tricking consumers into buying knock-off items and illegally downloading music, movies, and television shows. Not only do these criminals steal from consumers, but they also cost legitimate companies a great deal of money. Counterfeiters often use these profits to fund other illegal activities.

  9. Scams

    Scams are very common during the holidays, when unsuspecting shoppers give money to a phony charity or enter a bogus sweepstakes. Scammers will tug at your heart strings and take advantage of your giving mood. They also prey on naïve and desperate people who are easily lured by deals that seem too good to be true. Shoppers can protect themselves from these sneaky scams by doing thorough research on a particular deal or offer before giving any money or personal information to anyone or any site.

  10. Domestic violence

    Domestic violence is a growing problem during the holidays, and experts believe it increased with the stress of gift giving, celebrations, and the close proximity to family. Alcohol and drugs only add to the problem and put more people in danger. The holidays have a tendency to exacerbate family tension, drug use, and financial woes, causing people to act out in violent and destructive ways.

* Today’s article brought to you by www.criminaljusticedegreesguide.com

/by

Cornficker is Alive, Well, and Wiggling Around Inside Police Body Cams

Cornflicker is alive and wiggling

Body Cameras. The cry for their use by police officers has been loud and strong, along with a demand that they be switched on nearly every second of an officer’s shift, without any means whatsoever for the officer to switch it off. Tamper proof. No access by anyone. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Well, many of those tamper-proof cameras that are supposed to record every step of an officer’s day without outside intervention, have been hacked.

Yes, many police body cameras are infected with Cornficker, a worm that has infected millions of computers in over 190 countries. Typically, the worm uses the OS system to paw around inside a computer searching for and stealing important data, such as credit card information, passwords, and other personal information.

Body cameras used by police departments, as is the case with any other type of device or item that can be used as evidence in court cases, must be completely tamper proof. Otherwise, the evidence contained within isn’t worth the price of what you paid to read this article.

So far, I believe, the Cornficker virus/worm is limited to the $499 body cameras manufactured and sold by Martel. And yes, Martel has sold these units to agencies all across the country. This particular worm infestation initiates when the data from the cameras is uploaded into department computers via USB. The virus then makes its way throughout the computer system.

A worm eats into the camera, ruining the data inside. The information within is then bad. And we all know what comes next… One bad camera can indeed spoil the whole bunch.

Cornficker is so problematic that it has caused temporary grounding of military aircraft, infection of computers in Naval vessels, including submarines, and the theft of scores of personal and secret data. Just think of the damage other hackers could inflict on a high-profile criminal case that heavily relies on the video evidence captured by an officer’s body camera, such as altering or erasing key parts of the recording.

At the very least, having the Cornficker worm, or other viruses…well, worming its way around the inside of a police officer’s body camera is cause for reasonable doubt. In other words, the dismissal of a very important criminal case.

This information, my writer friends, is excellent fodder for countless plot twists. Imagine the look on the faces of jury members when they view an altered body camera recording. Hmm… What could you dream up for them to see? I wonder…

/by