Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Agent Rosario Hernández de Hoyo, 42

Puerto Rico Police Department

December 28, 2015 – Gunfire

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Commander Frank Román, 49

Puerto Rico Police Department

December 28, 2015 – Gunfire

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Lieutenant Luz Soto, 49

Puerto Rico Police Department

December 28, 2015 – Gunfire

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Special Agent Louis Bonocasa, 31

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber.

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Special Agent Joseph Lemm, 45

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber. Agent Lemm, a NYPD police officer, had been activated as a member of the New York Air National Guard.

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 Special Agent Chester McBride, 30

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber.

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Special Agent Peter Taub, 30

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber.

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Special Agent Michael Cinco, 28

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber.

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Special Agent Adrianna Vorderbruggen, 36

U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations

December 21, 2015 – Bomb detonated by suicide bomber.

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Officer Juan Feliciano, 44

New York Police Department

December 29, 2015 – Heart attack

~

2015 Officer Line of Duty Deaths – 129

*Total does not include the numerous officers who were attacked and/or wounded, but survived.

Grasshoppers and trained monkeys: our wacky government

Each and every day our government does things that boggle the minds of its citizens, and here are just a scant few of the reasons they leave us so very puzzled.

1. To enhance security, TSA personnel now have the authority to require some passengers to go through a full body scanner instead of the once optional pat-down search. Wasn’t there a situation not too long ago when a pair of TSA agents targeted people they wanted to “touch” so they pulled them aside for a pat-down? Now agents will have the legal opportunity to see those desired people in their au natural state of no-detail white-blobness. Shame on the TSA for allowing this to happen merely to prevent weapons and explosives onto an airplane.

2. A locust-insired mini robot is now available to aid in search and rescue missions. The 3D-printed, grasshopper-like device is fabricated from the same material Legos are made of and consists of a battery, carbon-rod legs, and an on-board battery and microcontroller. The 5-inch-long robot can jump 11-feet-high and 4.5 feet in distance. Scientists are still working on improving the robot’s landing impact.

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I’m wondering, though, about the timeline associated with the use of this particular robot. After all, how fast is its response time if it can only hop 4.5 feet at a time? What about its battery life? How much power is consumed when leaping 11-feet in the air only to travel 4.5 feet in distance? More importantly, what happens when it’s spotted by a hungry bird?

3. Due to concerns about civil liberties, U.S. officials (Homeland Security, etc.) are not permitted to view Facebook and other social media posts of people hoping to enter the U.S. on Visas (Tashfeen Malik, the San Bernardino shooter in the U.S. on a Visa, praised ISIS on Facebook). This all seems odd because agents are allowed to eavesdrop on phone calls, emails, videos, mail, conversations, and more, so you’d think, since Facebook and Instagram are available for the world to see without a warrant… Never mind, we’re talking about the government so it’s not supposed to make sense.

4. A civil liberties coalition that’s fighting to prevent the government from overreach in its methods of surveillance, citing they’re an invasion of privacy, are now arguing against a government-proposed loophole that would allow the president to remove the Department of Homeland Security as the agency in control of information gathering. Wasn’t it not too long ago when a similar group was fighting to prevent Homeland Security from gathering surveillance information obtained from citizens? I’m confused. Now they don’t want what they previously wanted?

5. Scientists have created genetically engineered bacteria that’re able to travel throughout the human body for the purposes of diagnosing and treating infections. However, there is a fear that those bacteria could deviate from their missions and escape into the environment where they could cause harm. Therefore, to save the day, researchers have developed “kill switches” that, when activated, immediately cause the bacteria to die.

This, my friends, is a sic-fi movie come to life. Unless, that is, screenwriters who’ve been secretly working for the government installed kill switches that prevented us from seeing what’s been in place all along. That’s right, pay no attention to the people behind the curtains and, start knitting your very own aluminum foil hat because Elvis will soon be living behind the cheesecake in your refrigerator.

6. The U.S. government, through its DARPA program, announced that it has found a way to convert dangerous chemicals, including  toxic waste, into everyday, harmless soil. We trust this to be safe, right? Remember, this is the same government that…

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– Spent $500,000 to build an Iraqi police training facility. Sounds okay, right? Well, it turns out they used bricks made mostly from sand with a little clay, a mixture that caused the building to sort of turn to mud when it rained.

– Treated a non-profit government contractor to a $1.1 million party and retreat at Pennsylvania’s Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, where guests/employees received free iPods, Nikon Coolpix cameras, and extreme-driving classes. They were also treated to carriage rides through the countryside, guided turkey hunts, and cool safari tours of a private animal collection.

– Spent $43 million to build a natural gas station in Afghanistan. The price tag anywhere else—$500,000. To make things just a wee bit worse, the station may not be operational at this time.

– $1 million to train monkeys to run on a treadmill. Because we all know what TV-watching couch-potatoes monkeys can be, right?

– $276,000 for a study on why and how less attractive people end up with attractive partners.

– $5 million for parties where people were encouraged to not smoke tobacco.

–  $3.7 million price tag on the president’s Christmas vacation airfare (price does not include the $3,500 over night hotel, food, Secret Service salaries, etc.). Air Force One costs appr. $206,000 per hour to operate, in case you were curious. By the way, the 2014 Christmas vacation price tag came in at just over $7.5 million. This would be the same for any president who regularly vacations in Hawaii, so I’m not singling out Obama.

I am saying, however, that one stay-at-home presidential Christmas would certainly feed, clothe, and put a roof over a lot of homeless people in the U.S. Actually, some of the saved money could’ve gone toward the hiring of a couple of top-notch admins who could prevent the $100 million that’s wasted each year by issuing payments—Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security—to the wrong people.

A million here and billion there? Before you know it you’re talking about real money…

The case of the midnight prowler

A few years ago our Christmas vacation took an odd and unexpected twist. First, we left fairly warm temperatures and sunny skies in coastal Georgia so we could spend some time at our house in North Carolina (near Mayberry, of course). Well, who would’ve expected that we’d be slammed with a pretty powerful winter storm, the same storm system that crippled much of the east coast. And who would’ve figured we’d have unexpected guests show up a little after midnight on our first night there.

Here’s what brought the middle-of-the-night guests to our snow-covered abode.

The snow was coming down quite heavily, and not only did it knock power out for several days, it placed a tremendous burden on the branches of several newly-planted evergreens in the backyard. The weight of the wet snow caused a few of the young trees to bend until their tops rested on the already white ground. And me, not wanting to lose either of those precious Deodar (Himalayan) Cedars, suited up and braved the cold and blowing snow to lend them a hand with their fight for survival. Sounds brave, but what I actually did was simply slip on a jacket, boots, and gloves, and venture out into the moonless night to shake the snow from their narrow branches (not so heroic after all, huh?).

Since I was already outside I also decided to clear a “restroom” spot for the family poodle, and I brushed several inches of snow from the satellite dish. Then, with my chores complete, I headed back inside where I sat near the toasty-warm fireplace to work on an in-progress writing project (thankfully, we had a generator, the only one in our neighborhood).

*I’m a late-night writer, which may account for the many errors seen on this blog.

Anyway, I settled into a comfortable chair with my laptop and was deep into my work when the doorbell began to ring, quite relentlessly.

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Remember, this was well after midnight during a heavy snowstorm when the roads were nearly impassible (our N.C. house was well into the depths of the county, situated in a lakeside community). Of course, my background immediately sent my cop-brain into overdrive. I began to think the worse.

 

Okay, it was late and I was really tired…

But, having lived the life of a trained observer and teacher of police officer safety and survival, I reverted back to my many years of training and did what any hyper-alert police officer would’ve done…I slowly and carefully peeked outside through the blinds to see who, or what, was ringing my bell so late at night.

I was surprised to see not one, but two snow-covered police vehicles idling in my driveway. I was also a little stunned to see that the officers had my house and yard brightly illuminated with their spotlights and takedown lights. AND they’d taken tactical positions around the house. The only thing missing was the bullhorn and the hostage negotiation team.

My first thought…hide the eggnog and rum cake. Second thought…put on something other than sleepwear. Third thought…Well, there was no third thought. I simply opened the door and stepped outside, in shorts, t-shirt, and with ten bare toes. It was around 25 degrees, so I slipped my hands into my pockets for a little warmth, leaving my toes to fend for themselves.

One of the officers, the one in charge, decided to approach me, cautiously. It was at this point when I realized they were awfully serious about something. A second officer—backup—walked up with his hand resting on his sidearm. I noticed the thumb break on his holster had been unsnapped.

His other hand gripped a can of pepperspray.

Very nice, polite officers. Both of them. Red-faced, buzz-cut, and full of “ready-for-any-and-all-action.” They were all about the business at hand.

Now, you tell me how you think the deputies handled this situation. Were their methods and questions appropriate? Did they ask enough questions? Too many? Were they safety-conscious? Anything wrong? Everything right? Here’s the basic conversation (questioning).

Officer #1 (speaking to me) – “Evening, sir. Wonder if you could tell me what you’re doing here?”

Me – “I live here.”

#1 – “But this house is vacant.”

Me – “No, I live here, but we have a home in another state as well. We’re back and forth between the two.”

#1 – “How long have you lived in this house?”

Me – “Two years, or so.”

#1 – “How long have you been here, on this trip?”

Me – “Since last week.”

#1 – “Who owns the house?”

Me – “I do. Would you like to see some ID?”

#1 – “No, that’s not necessary at this point.”

Officer #2  abruptly chimed in. “You’re not black.”

Amazed at his uncanny investigative/observation skills, I smiled, and then said, “No, I’m not.”

#2 – “You been outside tonight?” (Remember, I’d been out tending to the trees and to the doggy restroom, therefore, the yard was loaded with footprints in the snow).

Me – “I have.” (I explained).

#2 – “Someone called and said a black guy wearing a hoodie was walking around your house peeping in the windows. You seen anyone?”

Me – “No.” Tip…providing more information than what you’re asked can sometimes be the beginning of an all new black and white striped wardrobe.

#2 to #1 – “She must have seen him (a nod toward me) outside and thought it was someone else.” By the way, his use of the pronoun “she” let me know that it was one of my female neighbors who’d made the call to the sheriff’s office.

#1 uses his portable to call dispatch – “I’m talking to the homeowner. This is his house but he lives out of state and is in town here for a while. Everything’s 10-4.”

#1 to me – “Sorry we bothered you, but we have to check these things out. Have a good night.”

Me to #1 and #2 – “Thanks for coming out. Makes me feel good knowing you respond to these type of calls, especially since we’re not around all the time.” (I didn’t bother to tell him about our alarm system and the across-the-street neighbors who watched and checked the place like Pinkerton guards).

#1 and #2 in unison – “No problem.”

Me, again – “Sure you wouldn’t you like to see some ID?”

#1 – “No, we trust you. Have a good night, now.”

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And with head-nods and waves they turned their backs to me and walked to their patrol vehicles, leaving me standing barefoot on the front porch as they drove away. Shivering, with my hands still inside my pockets, I watched their taillights disappear around the curve.

The deputies, while extremely polite, left me with a few questions bouncing around inside my head. Anyone have an idea what those questions could be?

Would you have handled the call differently? If so, how?

It’s Saturday night, Dark Side of the Moon is on the turntable, and bags of M&M’s and Doritos stand ready for…

Okay, if the previous words took you back to the days of black light posters, Janis and Jimi, 8-track tape players, and spilled bong water, well, you already have some understanding of the mechanics of pot smoking. However, it’s a whole new world out there today and, as you know, in some states marijuana is approved to treat certain medical conditions, such as glaucoma, depression, and even cancer.

Before we delve any further into the topic, though, you should know there are two main types of cannabis (marijuana)—Indica and Sativa.

Sativa plants are tall and loosely branched, with narrow leaves (leaf pictured above). Indica plants are short, densely branched, with wide leaves (the appearance is similar to the above photo, but the leaflets are much broader).

By the way, a marijuana leaf is a compound leaf, a leaf composed of individual leaflets. The top photo of the marijuana leaf shows a single leaf with seven individual leaflets (cannabis leaves will have between 5-9 leaflets with serrated edges).

Cannabidiol (CBD) and tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) are the two main ingredients in the marijuana plant.

THC is the psychoactive ingredient in marijuana. It’s the component that makes you high. CBD is non-psychoactive (CBD does not make you high) and is the ingredient that’s most attractive as a medicine. Both, however, are used in medical marijuana.

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Uses of Medical Cannabis

Sativa is uplifting, therefore it’s used to treat mild depression, social anxiety, ADD, fatigue, and migraines. It’s also thought by some that Sativa helps increase creativity. Sativa is best used during daytime hours.

Indica is relaxing and calming and is used to treat conditions such as, anxiety and panic attacks, pain, glaucoma, muscle cramps, asthma, complications associated with AIDS, epilepsy, gastric disorders, MS, cerebral palsy, Crohn’s Disease, Fibromyalgia, and insomnia. Indica is best used at night.

There are numerous methods of consuming medical cannabis. For example, smoking, vaporizers, tinctures or tonics, topicals applied directly to the skin as a salve, and edibles, to name a few.

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Since most of you are probably familiar with pot smoking (you’ve at least heard about it), we’ll address edible cannibas and its many forms and products. Remember, cannibas edibles are not the meek and mild pot brownies of days long ago. Edibles today are much more potent.

Sure, it’s said that edibles do a great job of reducing anxiety and helping to induce deep, restful sleep without the medicated feeling that one experiences after consuming pharmaceutical medications. However, dosing of edible cannibas can be a hit or miss situation. The perfect amount for one person may not be right for another. Therefore, a bit of trial and error can come into play before a user/patient finds the correct size “bite/dose” that best suits their needs.

So, without further adieu, here’s a small sampling of the vast assortment of edibles available this holiday season. Bon appetit!

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And for those of you who prefer to prepare your own…

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Now, please pass the M&M’s, onion dip, chocolate ice cream, and pickled pigs feet.

 

Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Officer Jessie Tarplin, 38

Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority Police Department

December 12, 2015 – Officer Jessie Tarpaulin was killed in a motorcycle crash while leading a funeral procession. He is survived by his expectant wife and five children.

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Trooper Eli McCarson, 30

New Jersey State Police

December 17, 2015 – Trooper Eli McCarson died as a result of injuries received in a vehicle crash while responding to a domestic violence call.

The crime scene: facial recognition

1. Face-search technology is extremely accurate and it’s in use on a large scale. Each day, surveillance cameras across the country capture the images of millions of faces, and Michigan State University says it has the best matching system available. In fact, their system is so accurate that it was able to locate the image of Dzokhar Tsarnaev, the younger Boston Marathon bomber, from 1 among 5 million photos. MSU has recently licensed their recognition system to NEC Corp. of America, one of the largest providers of biometric technology to law enforcement and commercial companies.

2. Researchers at the Air Force Institute of Technology have developed skin identification technology for use in search and rescue operations that recognizes human skin as opposed to objects with similar coloring. To characterize human skin, the system uses the spectral absorption characteristics of melanin, hemoglobin, and water. The current method costs users $700,000 per system, a price not affordable to typical search and rescue units. The new Air Force platform costs approximately $100,000, which is still quite expensive, but doable in many cases.

3. During the period of September 2014 to September 2015, UK law enforcement officials arrested a record number of 315 terrorism suspects. To add to the alarming growth of terrorism-related activities was the increase in women and teens involved/arrested—50 women and 15 teens under the age of 18. The majority of the women arrested were linked to international terrorism activity.

4. Scientists have developed a way to use protein signatures of organ matter (mass-Spectrometry-Based Proteomics) to determine which body organ a specific projectile/bullet passed through. In other words, it is now possible to know which bullet did what damage to a human body, including which round(s) caused the death of a murder victim, or a precise wound(s) in an attempted murder. The method also makes it possible to accurately recreate the crime for the purposes of courtroom evidence presentation.

5. Researchers have found a way to make bullet-resistent vests even stronger—spinning high-performance polyethylene fibers from natural fats, such as oils from olives and peanuts. The new material has other uses as well, such as increasing the strength of ropes, sails, and even surgical sutures. Material made from the spun al-dente fibers was even used to lift a sunken ferry from the sea floor. One current drawback to the new material is that one of the fibers is highly flammable.

Finally, and totally unrelated, but a notable point to ponder…

6. For a long, long time, low-level nuclear waste has been “safely” stored underground in New Mexico, inside containers packed in impermeable beds of rock salt. Well, it seems those non-passable beds of salt are not so foolproof after all. They leak. What does this mean for humans? Who knows, but the government is currently thinking about doing something about it. Yeah, there’s a memo…somewhere.

In the meantime, I suppose we could resort to Dick Cheney’s advice of stockpiling duct tape and plastic sheeting in the event we need to cover our window and doors as a means of protecting ourselves against radiation. But, wasn’t there a rumor floating around about Cheney owning a huge amount of stock in companies that manufacture duct tape and plastic sheeting? Hmm… Perhaps, because of advice like the former vice president’s coming out nearly every time there’s a “crisis,” we should invest in aluminum foil. You know, because the making and wearing of lots and lots of tinfoil hats always seems to follow.

 

It's all been a pack of...well lies

Lie – (of a person or animal) be in or assume a horizontal or resting position on a supporting surface. Or, to tell a fib—a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive—that even your own dear, sweet mama wouldn’t believe. And it is the latter that detectives often must wade through (a pack of lies) before a bad guy finally confesses to his crimes.

We all know the days of using hot, bright lights and rubber hoses are tactics long ago replaced by polygraphs and reading body language. However, there’s a new method of lie-detecting that’s raising a few inquisitive eyebrows.

Scientists have developed a lie-detecting software that’s based on actual data and media videos of real court cases, including videos recorded by The Innocence Project. The software was “trained” using 120 video media recordings of real courtroom interactions/actions of defendants.

Unlike a polygraph, this technique of reaching the truth does not involve touching the subject. Instead, to reach its conclusions, the software considers a person’s gestures and voice to identify deceptions. So far, the software boasts an accuracy rate of 75%. Now, that percentage doesn’t sound so hot until the number is compared to the 50% accuracy rate achieved by human scoring, which is basically not much more accurate than a “heads-or-tails” guess.

Some of the more telling gestures picked up by the software include:

– hand gestures (liars tend to move their hands more).

– liars tend to make exaggerated efforts to try to sound more certain than do people who’re telling the truth.

– liars make an effort to look their questioners in the eye (70% of liars as opposed to 60% of truth-tellers).

– scowling or grimacing (the entire face) – 30% of liars as opposed to 10% of truth-tellers.

– liars distance themselves from the crime by using words such as “he” or “she” or “them,” as opposed to “I” or “we.”

– liars tend to use vocal space fillers, such as “um.”

– liars tend to use both hands when gesturing.

In addition, a coding system was devised to score nine different motions of the head, eyes, brow, mouth and hands.

This new system of lie-detecting is a prototype, but it does look promising.

My questions for you are…

Did I just lie to you? Is this new system the real deal or is it…um…something I concocted merely to fill…um…this space?

~

“I’ve seen your face before my friend
But I don’t know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin,
I know where you’ve been
It’s all been a pack of lies.”

Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight

*Photo credit – Dennis Yang, San Francisco, Ca./Wikimedia Commons

Friday's Heroes - Remembering the fallen officers

 

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Noah Leotta, 24

Montgomery Maryland County Police Department

December 10, 2015 – Officer Noah Leotta was working as part of a Holiday Alcohol Task Force when he stopped a car driven by a suspected drunk driver. During the traffic stop Officer Leotta was struck and killed by a second drunk driver.

The man who struck Officer Leotta had been drinking for approximately four hours at a local Hooters restaurant before getting behind the wheel of his car to leave. Minutes later he struck and killed Officer Leotta. Immediately after the crash the drunk driver told officers he could not perform the requested field sobriety tests, citing that he couldn’t stand properly and that his balance was off because he’d had too much to drink. This was his third arrest for drunk driving.

Officer Leotta is survived by his parents and sister.

Author and former prosecutor Allison Leotta is married to Officer Noah Leotta’s cousin.

Leaking anxiety: The mini investigation

Attention Writers! If you’ve written a tale that prominently features cops, PI’s, bad guys, etc., then the centerpiece of your story most likely revolved around a murder or two, or three or four. Therefore, solving the murder was probably THE investigation that drove the book. In fact, most people think of major investigations—rape, robbery, B&E, murder, etc.—as the only investigations conducted by police. You know, the big stuff. Of course, those types of cases are a major reason readers continue to turn pages.

However, and please do make a mental note of this, every interaction an officer has with other people is an investigation. If you’ve ever been stopped for a traffic offense, for example, you were the subject of an investigation (if the officer was following his training). Part of these investigations include the art of understanding and interpreting the actions of humans, and sometimes animals.

People “leak” whatever it is they’re feeling and/or thinking when interacting with others. By leaking I mean they showcase their feelings with their face and/or body (body language). Police officers are trained to observe and interpret those signals.

It doesn’t take a flashing neon sign to give away an intention. Not at all. Sweating profusely, or a constant looking to the side (searching for an escape route?) are good examples of anxiety leaks. Constant hand-wringing, placing hands in and out of pockets, picking at clothing, and hair-twirling are others, to name only a scant few.

Of course, some people are naturally nervous when encountering police, but it’s the totality of the situation that could indicate a problem. Therefore, for the safety of the officer and for potentially uncovering a crime-in-progress, he/she absolutely must remain vigilant during every single stop. As part of that vigilance, officers should run through a mental checklist/mini investigation that includes not only asking questions, but observing eye movement, their hands, what they’re saying and how they say it (does pitch change, sudden stammering, etc.) does what they’ve said make sense, are they overly nervous, are you asking the right questions, why are they constantly glancing at your weapon, Why are they looking back at their car/trunk/side of the road/house, etc.

Above all, officers absolutely MUST look up from their notepads and ticket books and make eye contact. Otherwise, they’re missing one of the most important clues out there—body language. After all, nervous people act nervously, and those actions are typically not without reason.

So, when writing about cops keep these points about anxiety leaks and mini investigations in mind. Doing so could add some interesting detail to an already interesting story. Also, never forget about an officer’s “gut feelings.” It it doesn’t feel right, then it’s probably wrong. Those little hairs standing at attention on the back of his neck are trying to tell him something and he’d better listen, and so should the investigators in your stories. And, hopefully, that “feeling” will transfer off the pages and into the minds of your readers. If you can make the hairs stand up on the back of your readers’ necks, well, that’s a job done well.

Here’s a video about this topic presented by Lt. Dave Smith of Officer.com. As someone who taught officer survival for many years at a police academy, I wholeheartedly agree with his presentation.

Jack Reacher retires...what?

Don’t you absolutely despise “click-bait” headlines? Do they make feel a bit sick and disgusted, or even slightly dirty, like you can’t wash your hands enough after tapping the “enter” key? I know I do. But while contemplating the subject for a while I thought about my own blog titles, and that’s when I hung my head in shame. Yes, I’m guilty. I write those same types of attention-getters, like the one above.

But I really did see a news story about Reacher retiring from his butt-kicking and name-taking lifestyle, and I’ve listed the headline below as proof, along with a few other “click-baits of the day.”

Here, see for yourself.

1. Jenny Milchman’s Never-ending Book Tour Expands to Mars: Author’s Tales Are Instant Sci-Fi Hits on the Red Planet.

2. Hank Phillippi Ryan Reveals She Has No Idea How to Stop Smiling

3. April Henry Beats Both Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm in Stunning MMA Tagteam Match

4. D.P. Lyle to Perform First Open Heart Surgery on Fictional Character: Jan Burke to Present Live, On-Air Coverage

5. Jack Reacher Retires: Lee Child Taps Chris Grabenstein To Fill Vacancy

6. Sue Grafton Allowed Inside University Safe Spaces to Help Students Learn Alphabet

7. Richard Castle Caught at Local Motel 6 With Author Melanie Atkins: Beckett Sues for Divorce

8. Water For Elephants Author Sara Gruen Builds Modern Ark, All Animals Expected to Attend Maiden Voyage

9. The Walking Dead’s Michael Cudlitz to Direct and Produce New FX TV Show, The Zombies of Southland

10. David Browning, The Mayberry Deputy, Named to Replace Disgraced and Ousted Mayor Pike

11. Karin Slaughter to Headline New Comedy Central Show, Killin’ It With Karin

12. Seamus Dever Threatens to Shoot Lanie If She Mentions Lividity “Just One More Damn Time”

13. Marcia Clark Named to Replace Anita Bryant as Spokesperson for Florida Citrus Commission, Citing the Former Prosecutor’s Extensive OJ Expertise

14. Arrest Warrants Issued After Scotland Yard Formally Names Patricia Cornwell as Jack the Ripper

15. Stephen King Pens Tale About Dean Koontz: Koontz Writes Book About King. Stories Cancel Each Other and World Ends.

16. James Lee Burke Fan Opens His Latest Book and Immediately Drowns in Swamp Water

17. Facebook Explodes After Going One Second Without People Bashing Someone or Something

18. Comet Expected to Strike and End Life on Earth Veers Away at Last Second: Releases Statement Citing Abundance of Stupid People as Reason for Detour

19. Earth Demands Apology From Sun Because All Shadows Are Not Equal in Size

20. Seen in another paper – Earth Demands Safe Space Because Other Planets Refuse to Revolve Around It

21. Senate Passes “Leave All Children Behind” Bill: Politicians Heard Saying, “We don’t worry about the future. It’s all about now and ME!”

22. TV Network Promotes Novel News Show Featuring Actual News: Idea Canned for Being too Edgy

23. Autotune Disabled: Modern Music Dies

24. 2016 Writers’ Police Academy Named As Most Exciting Writer Event on Earth. Details Coming soon. You are going to be so, well, excited!