Twenty Excuses That Make Cops Say, "Hmm…."


Any cop will tell you that just when they think they’ve heard it all, well, along comes another excuse that tops all the rest. Here’s how some people justified their illegal activities. All I can say is, “Hmm…

1. “Why am I driving naked, Officer? Well…all my clothes are dirty so I was going to my friend’s house to borrow something to wear to work. And I was speeding because it’s cold and the heat’s not working. No seat belt? You noticed that, huh? Can’t wear the things because the material causes my skin to break out. Why is there a gun on the seat? Isn’t that obvious, sir? I don’t have any pockets available at the moment. Duh… I thought you guys were supposed to be trained observers.”

2. “Please don’t give me a ticket. I didn’t slow down for the red light because I just got new brakes on my car—they were expensive, too—and I didn’t want to wear them out already. Geez, you being a cop and all, I thought you’d understand that sort of thing. Don’t they teach you about this stuff in the police academy? A little common sense. That’s all I’m asking for here.”

3. “I had to steal that stuff, Officer. How else was I going to get enough money to pay my court fees and child support? I certainly didn’t want to go to jail.”

4. “Because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s why I was driving 95 in a 55. You don’t believe me, then look.” The wet spot on her jeans verified her claim. She still received the ticket.

5. “I threw a football and it landed on the roof of that store, officer. Honest. And when I climbed up there to get it I fell through that hole you see. The bag of burglary tools? I guess they were already up there. Must’ve fallen through when I did.”

6. “It’s not my car. That’s why I was driving so fast. The pedals are different, or something.”

7. “What? No way! I’ve got you this time. You can’t give me a speeding ticket because I don’t have a driver’s license. Joke’s on you, officer.”

8. “I must’ve fallen asleep inside the store just before they closed. The safe? No, I wasn’t trying to steal it. The door was locked so I used it to break the glass so I could get out, not in. See, I’m claustrophobic. No way I could stay in that place all night. The money. That’s mine. I had it when I went in the store. Yep, all $2,000. Every penny of it. No, I’m between jobs right now.  No, I don’t have an address. Well, not exactly. Yeah, the Union Mission over on 123rd. But only until I get a place of my own.”

9. “Yes, I have a doctor’s note, just not with me. Right, it authorizes me to NOT wear a seat belt because it pinches the skin around my nipple rings.”

10. “I was driving that fast, officer, because I’d had WAY too much to drink and I wanted to get home before I got sick. You wouldn’t want me to puke in your car, right?”

11. “I didn’t mean to shoot him, officer. I was aiming for someone else.”

12. “She’s my wife and I’ll beat her if I want to. Ain’t no law against that, now is there?”

13. “‘Cause he needed killin’. That’ why I done it.”

14. “I stole her TV because she didn’t give me none of her tax refund money.”

15. “How did I cut my hand? Not by breaking the window at the auto parts store. Oh, you didn’t mention that place, did you? I guess you got me.”

16. “I couldn’t have made those obscene phone calls because I don’t own a phone. The one in my pocket? That’s my sister’s phone and she don’t allow me to use it.

17. “I didn’t rob this store because I didn’t know it was here until I got here.”

18. “I was speeding because the needle was on E and I was trying to get to a store in a hurry before I ran out of gas.”

19. “Yeah, I robbed him. He stole my dope so I took his money.”

20. “He was already dead when I killed him.”

And that’s only twenty. The list is practically endless.

  • Bonus response. “No, I weren’t peeping in her window. My pants? I was taking a shortcut through the lady’s yard and they fell down, so I took ’em off. I was next to her window ’cause I wanted to ask her if she had a belt I borrow.”