Tag Archive for: pepper spray

Seriously, Keep Your Shirt On … OMG!

The hero of your story had a long night answering call after call—he-saids, she-saids, chasing a Peeping Tom through back yards and alleys, a couple of drunks arguing over a near-empty bottle of Ripple, kids spray-painting Smiley Faces on stop signs, and the guy zooming on meth who insisted he was Jesus and attempted to prove it by damning you to hell a few dozen times after you refused to give him ten dollars “for food.”.

Yep, a looonnnggg night and it was only half over when Jimmy Bob “Peanut” Lawson, Jr. decided to join forces with his good friend Jack Daniels to blacken both of his wife’s eyes.

Well, Earlene, the wife, wasn’t about to stand for that so she poked ‘ol Peanut in the gut a couple of times with a dull carving knife. Didn’t break the skin, mind you, but the act was just enough to send Peanut off the deep end. Oh, he was plenty mad about it, yellin’ and screamin’ and stompin’ his Doc Martens across the kitchen linoleum, kicking at Porkchop, the family’s three-legged dog. But Porkchop, having been to this freak show one too many times in the past, knew to stay ten or twelve dog-dish-lengths away from his master’s size twelves.

After several minutes of plate, bowl, and pot-and-pan-throwing, one of the kids, a snot-nosed, freckle-faced boy of around ten or so, picked up the cordless and punched the speed dial button for 911.

So your character shows up, and Peanut, a Friday night regular, meets her in the driveway, huffing and puffing like an old coal-fired locomotive engine.

Now here’s where things could get a little dicey, so it’s best to run down the unwritten checklist your hero keeps tucked away in her head. You know, size him up. Is he armed? Is he really going to attack? Or, is all that chest-thumping and Tarzan-yelling just a show for the neighbors? Well, she’d better find out in a hurry because Peanut’s starting to spin like the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character.

How can you tell if this guy means business, or not? Well, let’s have a quick peek at the telltale signs that most crooks offer that’ll help you evaluate the situation.

Since weapons and other items that are capable of puncturing your flesh are your first concern, here are some common indicators that Peanut is carrying a hidden gun or knife. For example:

1. It’s 97 degrees outside and Peanut is wearing his heavily-insulated, blood-stained orange hunting jacket. Yes, Einstein, he’s probably wearing it to hide a sawed-off shotgun, the one Daddy gave him for Christmas when he was three. The chew marks on the stock are proof the gun was a go-to favorite during teething (his mama says he loved to bite and chew on anything that would fit in his pie hole).

2. The tail of his flannel shirt is out, but one side is riding higher than the other. A great sign that he’s wearing a weapon on the “high side.”

3. Sometimes, wearing a shirt tail on the outside is a sign that he might be carrying a weapon. Unfortunately, it’s also a sign to crooks, which means they might recognize you as an undercover officer.

Now, for the signs that Peanut is about to attempt to stomp your butt into the mud, and number one is a real doozy.

1. For some unknown reason, many offenders/would-be attackers feel the need to rip off their shirts prior to delivering the first blow. Therefore, when a drunk starts ripping cloth and zinging buttons across the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, well, that might be a good time to reach for the pepper spray. There’s plenty of time to grab the spray, by the way, because the shirt-ripping and cussing and hollering and posturing and yelling things about your mother takes quite a while to complete.

They sometimes decide to fight wearing nothing but …

I’ve even encountered a couple of losers who decided to fight me while wearing only their tighty-not-so-whities. Believe me, the sight is not one you can easily forget. And then there’s the uncomfortable situation of having to place your hands on a nearly naked person who’s almost always sweating profusely while smelling like like the south end of a northbound skunk.

Anyway, the shirt-ripping is usually accompanied by lots of top-of-the-lung screaming and yelling, especially nasty comments about your wife and mother. Sometimes I wonder if the latter is because theirs (mother and wife) are possibly one and the same.

Of course, if this (above image) is what you see when the shirt comes off, well, maybe it’s time re-think your career choice.

2. Another clue that Peanut is about “go for it” is when he starts glancing at a particular spot on your body, like your throat, stomach, or even a knee. Instantly, you should go on alert for a possible strike to that area. Peanut is announcing his intentions and he’s ready to pounce.

3. Peanut repeatedly glances behind you or to a spot off to your left or right just out of your line of sight. Watch out, because his partner may be approaching for a rear ambush. And, his partner is often Mrs. Peanut. Yes, even though her “loving husband” had just moments ago beat the ever-loving snot out of her she’ll often defend her man until the bitter end. Unfortunately, the end sometimes results in a funeral … hers.

These quick glances are also good indicators that Peanut has a hidden weapon nearby. For example, you’ve stopped Peanut for drunk driving and he’s constantly looking toward the glove compartment. Well, there’s a good chance that a weapon or other illegal items are concealed there.

The Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home

4. You arrive on scene and you approach Peanut, who is standing still, staring off into space—the “lights are on but nobody’s home” look. His jaw is clenched and he’s sweating profusely, even though you’re both standing in two feet of freshly-fallen New England snow (New England snow, to me, is the coldest snow on the planet). He doesn’t respond to you in any way, but you see the anger rising. Face is growing redder by the second. Veins poking out on his forehead. Eyes bulging. Yeah, you get the idea. Believe me, it is time to take a step back and start pulling every tool you’ve got on your duty belt because this guy’s getting ready to blow. Silence is definitely not golden in this case.

5. Peanut might have a “I’m not going to look at you” personality. This is another indicator that an assault may be on the way. If he’s staring at place on the ground, refusing to listen and obey your verbal commands, then be prepared for an attack. At the very least, be prepared for a battle when the time comes to snap on the cuffs.

I guess a good rule of thumb is to always assume the worst and hope for the best, which includes delivering the bad guy to the county jail without a single scratch on either of you.

Angry prisoner

 

Hurry!

Only three days remain to submit your entries for the fun 200-word Golden Donut Short Story Contest. Winner receives the coveted Golden Donut Trophy! Contest is sponsored by the Writers’ Police Academy.
The rules are simple. Write a story about the photograph provided, using exactly 200 words — including the title.

 

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A Polka Dot Mini Skirt and Hot Sauce: 10 Unofficial Guidelines for Police Officers

Police officers are expected to follow and enforce many rules, laws, and ordinances. The penalties and punishments for straying from those regulations can be quite severe.

In addition to the written requirements are numerous “unwritten guidelines” to assist officers as they carry out their duties. Here’s a list of ten.

1. No matter how big, tough, or strong an officer may think they are, they should never, not ever, underestimate the strength of criminal suspects, especially those who’re hellbent on escaping custody. Even the little ones, the guys who are smaller in stature, are quite capable of inflicting enormous amounts of pain. The same is true of females of various sizes.

Even the tiniest woman who’s wearing a polka dot mini skirt has the ability to punch and kick and deliver massive amounts of pain like a seasoned MMA fighter(this one I speak of from experience). Actually, I believe the hardest I’ve ever been hit was by a woman who didn’t take too kindly to me arresting her extremely combative adult son. The young man, by the way, had just committed an armed robbery and I’d chased him on foot for several blocks. The foot pursuit ended inside the home of his dear and sweet Mama, a 225 lb. woman with a fist like steel and the punch of a jack hammer.

2. Crooks sometimes make really stupid comments, so keep your ears open. Listen to your suspects and witnesses. After all, you just may hear a few comments like I did back in the day. Such as …

“Come on, man. I spent my last twenty bucks on that rock. At least let me smoke it before you take me to jail.”

“I didn’t rob that guy. The one I robbed had blonde hair.”

“He was already dead when I shot him. I think he had a heart attack or something when he saw my gun.”

“I was not driving that get-a-way car. The one I was driving when we robbed that store was a Mustang.”

“He couldn’t have recognized me. I was wearing a mask.”

3. Never engage in a foot pursuit when you have a perfectly healthy rookie riding shotgun.

4. If you have to shoot back more than 6 times the bad guy can still see you. Move to better cover.

5. The raincoat in your trunk is meant for the rookie riding in your passenger seat. No need for both of you to stand in the downpour. Besides, someone has to listen for important radio messages and finish the coffee before it gets cold. Waste not, want not.

6. Flashlights are dual-purpose tools. The handle end is great for ending confrontations. When the delivery is just right, it sounds kind of like an aluminum baseball bat hitting a softball when the battery-filled tube connects with a forehead. The other end is perfect for helping you see (in the dark) the crook’s eyes spinning like windmills after the little “love tap.”

*Many departments forbid the use of flashlights as weapons. Sometimes, though, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to stay alive.

7. Never rush into a fight-in-progress. Instead, wait a few seconds to let the two goons wear themselves out. Then, like a lion after its prey, you can grab the one who’s the most tired and wounded while the rookie gets the still-fighting gorilla.

8. Never leave your patrol car, even for a second, with the keys in it. There’s nothing worse than chasing a bad guy on foot, wrestling with him for ten minutes to apply restraints, then marching the handcuffed thug back to the empty spot where you know you left your car. I promise you’ll hear howls of laughter from the bad guy, who, by the way, will remind you for the rest of your career of “the day you lost your police car.” He’ll shout it from the curbside, the jail cell, from his prison window, and from his mother’s front porch.

9. Be sure you never write a check with your mouth that your rear end can’t cash. There’s nothing worse than talking a big game only to find yourself sitting on the pavement looking up at a laughing bad guy who’s now holding your only pair of handcuffs. And, the bruised ego is far worse than the black eye.

10. When you and your fellow first responder are in the process of arresting a combative slimeball-scumbag, always know who’s spraying the “hot sauce.” It’s a real pain in the rear when the bad guy ducks at the precise moment both of you squeeze the buttons on your cans of pepper spray. Ever try arresting a guy when neither you nor your partner can see anything? It’s not pretty.

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