He’s Going To Kill Me … Again, and Again, and Again

 

He’s here.

Arrived on the train.

On the rails running through my mind.

Can’t stop it.

I’ve tried.

 

The rumbling.

Huffing.

Puffing.

Steam and smoke.

Wish it would stop.

 

Heart pounding.

Can’t breathe.

He’s here.

Again.

Heart, thumping.

 

The incessant scratching,

Clawing,

Digging.

At the inside of my skull.

He wants out.

 

I can’t let him.

I won’t!

Eyes open.

Can’t sleep.

Leave me alone.

 

Please!

Darkness.

Moonlight.

Tick-tocking clock.

Night sounds.

 

Refrigerator whirs.

Air conditioner hums.

Tick, tick, tick.

Heart, racing.

Thumping.

Owl hoots.

Cricket chirps.

Tick, tick, tick.

Thump, thump, thump.

Then …

 

Silence.

Steamy, wispy tendrils

Steam, rising upward,

Like gnarled fingers

From a tomb.

 

A scream!

From inside?

Him, or me?

He’s there.

Here.

 

In front of me.

Behind.

Over there.

No, over there.

Laughing.

 

Maniacal laughing.

Mocking me.

Taunting me.

Killing me,

From within.

 

Bullets.

Blood.

Twitching.

Quivering.

A wounded animal.

 

A dying animal.

Flowers.

Roses.

Prayers.

Damp soil.

 

A grave.

Open.

For him, or me?

Tears.

Sorrow.

 

But …

He shot first.

I did what I had to do.

People say

You’re a monster.

 

Evil, they say.

You didn’t have to do it.

Easy for them to say.

Because

They weren’t there.

 

Me?

I just wanted to live.

Wife.

Children

For them.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Depression.

Can’t sleep.

He’s coming.

 

The train is on its way.

Always on its way.

Why every night?

Every day?

I only killed him once.

 

Why does he kill me every day?

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* If you are in a crisis please seek help. You cannot do this alone. Call 911, go to your nearest emergency room, talk to your doctor, or call 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK). Whatever you do, please talk to somebody.

If you plan to attend the 2018 Writers’ Police Academy, please do drop in on U.S. Secret Service Special Agent Mike Roche’s presentation on PTSD. It’s an eye-opener.