We can all sleep a bit easier tonight knowing that Homeland Security has saved us from a super-duper, mega-colossal attack right here on good old U.S soil.
The plot began in the southernmost U.S. territory, American Somoa, where tuna is the main export and, apparently, the destruction of human life in the U.S. is high on the radar of these vile villains of the worst kind.
As we here in America went about our daily lives, doing the fun and simple-life sort of things we do—hating, killing, vandalizing people’s property, blocking streets, highways, and bridges, stealing, raping, robbing, stabbing, beating, complaining, bashing anyone and everyone who doesn’t agree with our causes du jour, cop bashing, politician bashing, race bashing and baiting, agenda driving, road raging, controlling guns (or not), president hating, potential president hating, using Facebook as the ultimate guide to life, and, for some idiotic reason, listening to and believing, without question, the things said by celebrities who offer uneducated opinions about current events—the evil-doers from American Somoa were plotting to destroy America, starting with the state of California. And this was their SECOND attempt within the past 60 days!
Thank goodness for the quick thinking of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents who were stationed at the Port of Oakland this month. It was they who nabbed the pair of adults who were in charge of the ring of killers. With them were approximately ten dozen terror-inducers-in-training.
The captured thugs, while hiding on the docks among a stack of wooden pallets, were resting from their long journey inside a shipping container. The scene must have been intense as agents moved in. However, intensive training and cool heads prevailed. Not a shot was fired.
So we can all rest easy, until the next attempt. For now, though, the captured pair of African Snails and their hundred or so eggs have been safely collected and delivered to the U.S. Department of Agriculture for testing. The shipping container in which they traveled was sterilized before offloading from the vessel.
By the way, African Snails can grow to 8 inches in length with a diameter of 5 inches, and they eat 500 types of plants, including garden vegetables. They love, among lots of others, sweet corn, lettuce, blackberries, cucumbers, strawberries, melons, and GRAPES! Did you see the California danger level rise to the red zone when I typed GRAPES? These slime-trailers also enjoy a nice hearty meal of stucco, plaster, and paint, and even raw meat if it’s available.
In addition to wiping out crops and buildings, these, the most dangerous snails in the world, also carry, among other creepy-crawly parasites, a nematode that can lead to meningitis in humans. Unfortunately, it is unclear what happened to the monstrous snails and their young after the testing was complete.
I understand the #snaillivesmatter organization has planned a march from San Francisco to Oakland, via the Bay Bridge. The parade of angry, protesting snails from all across Northern California and beyond will come together today at 4pm for a slime-in at the Federal Courthouse in Oakland. Commuters are advised to avoid the Bay Bridge. Reports say traffic there is already reduced to no more than a “snail’s pace.” Pedestrians are reporting that walkways and pavements are a sticky, gooey mess.
Oakland resident, Ima Steponem, told reporters she’s sick and tired of snail privilege and wants to see “every damn one of them” in handcuffs by the end of the day. Oakland police chief Sammy Salamander says he’s looking forward to a meeting with the head snail.
Meanwhile, restaurants all across the Bay Area are hurrying to add “jumbo” escargot to their menus.
Chief Salamander urges everyone to remain calm and to not take matters into their own hands. Oakland and San Francisco police are both on high alert as just moments ago panicked citizens began running for cover when someone shouted, “They’re coming! To arms, the snails are coming!”
But, everyone in San Francisco quickly came to their senses, knowing full well that people are not allowed to use guns to commit crimes in their city (San Francisco has some of the toughest gun laws in the country, and they still saw a huge increase in the number of homicides in 2015—over 70%—when compared to the 2014 murder rate).
Oakland residents, however, were last seen running for the hills as the snails continued their relentless “flat-foot” march toward the courthouse. An Oakland resident who asked to remain anonymous, told a Graveyard Shift reporter, “Ain’t nothing worse than a slimy-ass snail with a gun.”
*This is a true story…well, the part about Homeland Security agents discovering the dangerous snails is true (now you know what it is these agents do—snail patrol). However, the protest and slime-in scheduled for today…not true. It takes place tomorrow.
Chief Salamander is, of course, fictitious. Salamanders, in case you were wondering, are natural predators of snails.
Escargot is indeed featured on the menu of many Bay Area restaurants. Now you know where they get their snails. Yum…