Ten Excuses That Make Cops Say, “Hmm …”

Any cop will tell you that just when they think they’ve heard it all, well, along comes something else that tops all the rest. For example, here are ten excuses people offered as explanations for why they did the things they did.

All I can say is, “Hmm…”

1. “Why am I driving naked, Officer? Well, first of all, all of my clothes were dirty so I was going to my friend’s house to borrow something to wear to work. And I was speeding because it’s cold and the heat’s not working. Oh, yeah, no seat belt? You noticed that, huh? You see, the material causes my skin to break out. Why do I have a gun on the seat? Isn’t that obvious, sir? I don’t have any pockets available at the moment. Duh. I thought you guys were supposed to be trained observers.”

2. Please don’t give me a ticket. I didn’t slow down for the red light because I just got new brakes on my car—they were expensive, too—and I didn’t want to wear them out so soon. Geez, you being a cop and all, I thought you’d understand that sort of thing. Don’t they teach you about this stuff in the police academy? Common sense. That’s all I’m asking for here.”

3. “I had to steal that stuff, Officer. How else was I going to get enough money to pay my court fees and child support? I certainly didn’t want to go to jail.”

4. “Because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s why I was driving 95 in a 55. You don’t believe me, then look.” The wet spot on her jeans didn’t stop her from getting a ticket, but it did prevent the officer from asking her to have a seat in his car while he wrote it.

5. “I threw a football and it landed on the roof of that hardware store, Officer. Honest. And when I climbed up there to get it I fell through that hole you see. The bag of burglary tools and that saw? I guess they were already up there. Must’ve fallen through when I did.”

6. “It’s not my car. That’s why I was driving so fast. The pedals are different, or something.”

7. “What? No way! I didn’t think you could give me a speeding ticket because I don’t have a driver’s license. Don’t you need to check a law book, or something?”

8. “I must’ve fallen asleep inside the store just before they closed. The safe? No, I wasn’t trying to steal it. The door was locked and I couldn’t leave, so I used it to break out. See, I’m claustrophobic. No way I could stay in that place all night. The money. That’s mine. I had it when I went in the store. Yep, all $2,000. Every penny of it. No, I’m between jobs right now.  No, I don’t have an address. Well, not exactly. Yeah, the Union Mission over on Broad Street. But only until I get a place of my own.”

9. “Yes, I have a doctor’s note, just not with me. Right, it authorizes me to NOT wear a seat belt because it pinches the skin around my nipple rings.” No, he didn’t have the doctor’s note, and yes, he got the ticket.

10. “I was driving that fast, Officer, because I’d had WAY too much to drink and I wanted to get home before I got sick. You wouldn’t want to puke in your car, right?”

And that’s only ten. The list, actually, is practically endless.